Mmouse Enterprises Press Conference: June 29th, 2022

Mmouse Enterprises Chairman’s Centre

Knoxville, Tennessee

June 29, 2022


(LM = Lawrence Mason, MM = Mickey Mouse J.R.)

*Spokesman Mason takes to the microphone, silencing the press*

LM: Ladies and Gentlemen of the press, I know that today has been a busy day in wrestling news, and I assure you that the Chairman will make time for all of your questions, but right now I need you to calm down and let him speak just for a few moments before he opens to floor to your inquiries. He has told me personally that he is ready to answer whatever it is that is on your mind, so please welcome him with a respectful applause. Now I introduce the Chairman and Owner of Mmouse Enterprises, Mickey Marcus Mouse Junior.

*Chairman Mouse approaches the podium to light applause*

MM: Thank you, Lawrence, and thank all of you for gathering here on short notice. The wrestling world is a constantly-evolving world of insanity and entertainment. You truly never know what you are going to get each time you tune in, read the latest report, or show up for work when this business is involved. One thing that is for certain is that nothing is for certain…except me.

You see, few figures have been as reliable and dominant in this industry as I have been since entering the business in 1995. Murrey knew this, Heyman knew this, Brown knew this, and even Benny did in the end. Yet, from time to time you get some newbie who thinks they can just dip their toes in the murky waters of this industry. These untested entrepreneurs – as they like to see themselves – enter into this realm of mine dreaming of the day that they can depose me like I did Murrey all those years ago. What they never count on is that I am always ready for the challenge!

They may get a few good hits on me in the beginning, as the people gravitate to their “flavor of the month”, but once they realize it’s all just shit with sprinkles the people always come crawling back to where they know they will be catered to adequately and reliably. It’s in those moments, the moments when the newbies first taste what all my rivals have – defeat at my hands – that we get to see how determined they really aren’t. Those are always the moments that we have come to expect from the temporary flings of this industry; the LWFs, the EWFs, the WCWs, the BAWAs, and the TNAs of the world. Soon, Mr. Cross and Megan will continue this longstanding tradition of sports entertainment’s equivalent of a one night stand, a one hit wonder even. They will enjoy a modicum of success only to slither away the moment I put them in their place!

Lest you forget who they will be dealing with, I brought some numbers with me! The first season of PWI in this era – what we in the industry call the “Sixth Era” – was the Third Season of PWI overall. It started in November 2019 and ended with Motivation VII on Father’s Day 2020, amidst the pandemic, mind you. That season was decent, but our strengths were overshadowed by many of our weaknesses in the pains of our adjustments to a then-new era. Most of our ratings hovered slightly above 7.0 and below 7.25. Not bad, but also nowhere near enough to defeat the EWA in the ratings in any of our handful of encounters during that period. Motivation VII itself broke that ratings trend, but still struggled to stay in the top 10 of the ratings recorded for the season and the entire history of the industry.

Then, from September 2020 through June 2021, in PWI’s Fourth Season, our ratings surged, and as I shared in a press release last July, we occupied 8 of the top ten ratings of all time, including the number one spot-holding Motivation VIII, which managed to beat the former top rated show ever, EWA’s Retro Revolution from March 2020! I am pleased to announce that we now have new ratings numbers for the Fifth Season, which spanned from September 2021 through to Father’s Day of this year! You will find under your desks the numbers in question, including the NEW top ten ratings list of all time!

*Lawrence Mason guides the press into picking up the aforementioned sheets, which reads:*

  1. Motivation VIII – 7,379,167 viewers
  2. EWA Retro Revolution – 7,373,333 viewers
  3. The Epic 2021 – 7,355,556 viewers
  4. The Showcase 2022* – 7,348,529 viewers
  5. Asylum (March 15th, 2021) – 7,345,588 viewers
  6. The Showcase 2021 – 7,340,000 viewers
  7. WM (VII) Into the Asylum – 7,336,363 viewers
  8. TIE*, A Night of Violence 2021* & The Epic 2022* – 7,335,000 viewers
  9. PWI Live!* (August 30th, 2021) – 7, 332,500 viewers
  10. Thanksgiving Brawl 2020 – 7,331,667 viewers

(Dropping to #11. EWA No Boundaries 2020 – 7,331,528 viewers)

            *Mickey continues* As you can see on these sheets, the PWI continues to produce the best product in the business, as every asterisk denotes a new show added to the top ten from this past season! EWA’s premier event of 2020, No Boundaries, stayed in the top 10 since 2020, but was knocked out completely thanks to four superior PWI broadcasts from this past season! Now, the only show from any other company which rests in the top 10 alongside shows from my company involves a broadcast wherein the competition used surprise cameos largely from my legendary talent!

            Additionally, at least two superstars making their returns that night have now been drafted to the PWI: Ghost Rider and Granddaddy Duxen! Finally, I want to conclude this by going over some numbers with you. From Late 2020 through Mid 2021, the Fourth Season of PWI had 70 broadcasts. One of those shows received a rating under 7.2, which is a rating that I deem as “unacceptable”. That represented 0.1% of the overall shows from that season. Not bad if you ask me. There were 50 broadcasts with ratings above the moderately decent rating of 7.25, representing 71% of the broadcasts of that season. This was obviously why we did so well that season! Now, we get to the fun part, of all the shows in that season, 18, or 26%, of our broadcasts from that timeframe received a rating greater than 7.29! That’s incredible!

            What about the numbers from this past season, you may ask? Well, we will start with the bad. Out of 55 total broadcasts – not including the Back to Ringside broadcasts -, 2 received a rating below 7.2. In fact, both were episodes of Ascendants, and this is part of the reason why I decided to cut back on those broadcasts. This represented .4%, or a 300% increase from the previous year. Even if it is just an additional badly rated show, it is simply unacceptable to me.

            Even so, the good outweighed the bad! For the 2021-2022, or Fifth, Season of PWI, there were 49 of the 55 total broadcasts receiving a rating greater than the moderately good 7.25! That’s 89% of the total broadcasts, a 25% increase in the right direction!! Now, this is where it gets better, because out of those 55 total shows, a full 20 received a rating better than 7.29, or 36% of the overall calendar, a 38% increase! That’s something that our shareholders love to hear, for sure!

            In other words, we are headed in the right direction, and with the Sixth Season of PWI fast approaching, and a more consolidated schedule alongside an even more talented roster, I have faith that our progress will only continue. This is one major reason why I can’t help but to laugh off Megan and Camden. They simply can’t stop us! *Sighs, happily*

            Now…on to your questions! *Points to a reporter* You!

CBS Sports: Yes, Mickey, there is a lot of ground to cover…

MM: Is there a question coming, or did you just come here to state the obvious?

CBS Sports: I promise, there’s a question…

MM: Good…

CBS Sports: What was your initial reaction to the news about the HLW?

MM: Did you not read the press release? Do us all a favor and find a new job. Next question.

Sports Illustrated: Mr. Chairman, what are your thoughts on the press release issued by BWM Inc. Chairwoman Megan Mouse issued late yesterday regarding the HLW and the premiere date of AEW?

MM: Well, It’s typical, you know. Like her “father”, Megan has decided to cozy up to a competitor in order to achieve a dream of taking me down. She may claim that it is “far from a partnership”, but I wasn’t born yesterday. Just as was the case with her televised birth, everything that you are seeing here between Megan and Camden is a comedy act. I didn’t draft Xavier Woods because I was pretty sure that the static electricity from his outrageous hairdo would pose a safety risk for everyone within a 500 mile radius of him. Also, I already have the two talented New Day members, and that’s all I wanted.

HBO Sports: What do you make of the HLW roster so far?

MM: Is this whole thing going to be about the Homeless Loser Wrestling company? Geez. One thing I guess I notice right off the bat is the total lack of women’s talent over there. I suppose that to be “Higher Level” it requires a Sausage Fest. Maybe they should reach out to Gay Batman and see if he and Sex Toy are interested. Next.

Pro Wrestling Illustrated: What do you make of the new Chief Brand Officer signed by HLW? Do you think that the familiarity of young fans with this new guy will help bring in fresh viewers?

MM: Oh, you mean that guy…what’s his name…Fish Filet? Yeah, never heard of him. Them? Her? I don’t even know what to call these people nowadays.

ABC Sports: Rumor has it that the family of Scott Nash has been pursuing legal action to get Mr. Nash his slice of the Mouse Family Estate. Any thoughts on this?

MM: My thoughts are that you are a damn retard. Perhaps you missed your calling to be Crock’s sidekick.

ABC Sports: That’s highly inappropriate, sir…

MM: Yeah? Well, so was the choice that your mom made fucking the horse that shit you out! Get out of the way, because there are more deserving people looking to ask a question.

RT: Mr. Chairma…

MM: Nuh-uh! Ain’t even thinking about taking questions from the damn Russians today! We’ve had enough of your shit. Tell your president to get out of Ukr…

RT: …we saw that the shares for Mmouse Enterprises surged today…

MM: …just make sure that Putin tells the good people of Russia to tune in every Friday, starting July 29th. I will be finding a way to get around these sanctions one way or another. Everybody deserves entertainment, no? There is a lot of coffee in the back. Brewed by the best in the business. None for you, ABC Sports, fucking asshats!

NBC Sports: Chairman Mouse…

MM: You rang? Heh! Ha! *looks around and sees no one laughing* …go ahead…

NBC Sports: Motivation IX was noticeably absent from the top ten ratings report. Are you concerned that your top show was out-rated by a number of your others non-PPV broadcasts?

MM: No, not at all. Motivation VIII is literally the top rated show of all time. Despite it not making the top ten, Motivation IX was most definitely in the top 20 rated shows of all time, alongside Night Two of Motivation VII. In the past, the UWA and the USWA regularly produced the top rated shows of all time, especially with Wrestlemanias past, Oblivions, and earlier Motivations. I was satisfied with the ratings for the season, as I said before, because our overall numbers show steady progress in the right direction.

ESPN: By that same token, sir, the Bitches Ball installment of WM VIII this year was a relative ratings flop compared to last year’s installment. Are you concerned about the return of that classic show going forward.

MM: I gambled by having the women host the show this year and I stand by that gamble. That is all.

RT: …Excuse me, sir…the coffee is all out…

MM: Holy fuck! This is inexcusable! Don’t you people know what the Ruskies do when they don’t get their black fluids?! Er…I mean, I will make sure that is dealt with right away. Thank you for bringing that to my attention. Lawrence, can you make sure that our aides get this man a fresh cup of coffee?

*Lawrence Mason, looking annoyed, proceeds to do as he is asked*

MM: Anymore questions? Yes…you.

Fox Sports: When will the next referee for PWI be announced?

MM: Funny story with that…there were enough defections to the HCW to offset any need for a new referee from the danger zone of our roster, so the next referee will be named after Rising. Looks like everyone remaining in that part of the roster just lucked out.

Oprah Magazine: Where is Catherine?

MM: Do you think I just give out free shit? I ain’t like your boss. Since when do readers of your magazine care about sports? Unless Oprah is looking to invest in some shares I suggest you find your way out of here.

Showtime Sports: Is there any word on whether Rhyno and Sabu have decided to side with HCW? They are currently not listed as part of the HCW roster.

MM: I am in talks with them, presently. Trying to get it across to them that a defection would be contrary to their best interests.

Time Magazine: When can we expect the name of the next PPV to be unveiled alongside the card for the first PWI Live! of the 2022 Preseason?

MM: The PPV name will be “Desperate Times” and the card for that first show back will be unveiled by the end of next week alongside our first power rankings reveal for the new season. Last question goes to…

USA Today: This is a two part question, if I may: first, what do you think about the name of AEW’s premiere event and do you think they will actually deliver?

MM: I will allow the two-part question, only because this question doesn’t irritate me. Well, Megan does, because she is mimicking me from when the USWA did a PPV literally called “Independence Day” back in 1999 and the fact that her father literally tried to launch the EWA’s lost season a year prior to this coming premiere, only for the world to never see what happened. As for whether I believe they will deliver? I have my strong doubts, but contrary to what Megan asserts, I welcome the challenge. I just don’t believe anyone has what it takes to go the distance with me anymore. Thank you everyone for coming, see you next time! *leaves as the press clamors for more answers*

Published by Daniel Crawford

I'm a single father of two, one of four children of a single mother (who passed at the age of 49), an activist, an aspiring public servant, an author, a podcast host, and an average member of the working class.

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