Well, well, well – look who’s back! It’s me, the one and only Chris Hyatt! Normally, this is where I’d launch into my spiel about being the hardest working wrestling journalist on the planet, but I’ll spare you that for now since this is actually my first column of the era nearly a full month in. But never mind that, because I’m here now – and that’s what matters most!
ULW’s first “super show” took place this past Monday. While we’re still waiting on the ratings for the three-way head-to-head battle, I wanted to make this show my first ULW review because it’s a good indicator of what’s working (and what isn’t) for the industry’s newest company.
SEGMENT ONE
We kicked things off with a cold open featuring Dr. Evil giving Ted Dibiase an update on his therapy sessions with Jackie Mouse. Last week, Jackie hinted at being possessed by someone other than Sister Abigail (spoiler alert: It’s Mickey). This week, Evil opened the show by reporting that possessions aren’t real. (This is wrestling, EVERYTHING is real!) Dibiase praised Evil’s efforts and demanded another update later in the evening.
Next, we got the opening video package highlighting the matches, set to some 1950s carny music. For a company valued in the millions, they sure do like to cut corners on music, huh? One thing PWI did better than the competition was the opening video packages, but with ULW only a month old, there isn’t a backlog of footage to fill one of these packages yet. So instead, we got a lot of floating text that was too small, and static shots of superstars. I had to chuckle seeing the likes of The Ladies Man, Raphael, Kidman, and others who haven’t been relevant in years, followed by the tagline “Only the Best.” Not sure if that was meant to be funny, but it got a laugh out of me.
Then, in a rare move for a Mickey-adjacent company, we got an opening promo from Saguna and Sanjay Dutt of all people – in this, the year of our Lord, 2024. And what are they fighting about, you ask? Well, it’s apparently 2003 all over again, because the two are at each other’s throats over who gets Lady Love!?! Look, I’m tough on the company because it’s so weird and random, but I’d be lying if I said I’m not intrigued. Big Show finally interrupted, saying he’s tired of everyone declaring their love for Lady Love, because HE loves her! Show said Lady Love should dump Midget Hogan and quit with the midgets altogether. He then asked for Lady Love’s hand in marriage! This is obscene and I AM HERE FOR IT! The lights then cut, and we got the debut of the Crock! Y’all, this SHOULD NOT WORK but yet it TOTALLY DOES! (This is all made SO much funnier to me due to the segment from Dynamite with Love and Midget Hogan, which is a beautiful and rare situation where the two shows align perfectly.)
Crock welcomes us to Independent Intentions, 21 minutes into the show. He does his normal song and dance, and demands the three of them need to stop calling him. Saguna wants to know how Crock resisted Lady Love’s temptation, and he says it’s simple – she has a dick! “It’s that simple, I don’t like dick – and neither should you!” Saguna grabs a hold of Crock’s leg and demands that they teach them. Big Show says this will ruin his career again if Crock doesn’t help. Crock says if you love Lady Love, let the Love flow through you. Big Show says she’s already spoken for, and Crock cries out, “Why is this my responsibility?!?’ Crock says they need to find a new trans lady to obsess over. Eventually, it all falls apart and Show tries to attack Crock, but Crock channels Show and chokeslams him before dancing away. Venom on commentary – as if he’s having a realization of his own – is the cherry on top of one of the best segments I’ve seen this year as he screams, “It can’t be that simple, can it?!”
Next, we move on to the tag title match, and I swear if the Brothers of Destruction act disinterested again, I’m going to RIOT! Don’t think I’ve forgotten how! In the infamous words of my old boss Benny Mouse, “I remember! I REMEMBER EVERYTHING!” Honestly, I think the Brothers of Destruction’s complete disinterest and disrespect for the titles the last month has tainted the belts, but I’ve been promised that it “will all make sense!” The three teams fight hard for the AEW— er, I mean, ULW Tag Titles. The match was fine, but just about anything was going to feel like a come down after the opening segment. Proud & Powerful win the championship, and solidify themselves as a front-runner for tag team of the year by picking up the straps in a second promotion in the past 12 months. (I think this could be good, but man, that opening took a lot out of me – and I’m probably not as into this as I should be…)
SEGMENT TWO
We come back from the commercial break, and Catherine is addressing Ted Brown about “saving the industry” and their issues with Ted Dibiase. For a moment, in my baked state, I thought I had accidentally turned on an old recording of PWI, but nope, we’re still doing this in the 7th Era. Catherine insists she never meant for Dibiase to not be a genuine partner, and Brown says they’ve got a lot of work to do to save the partnership. John Brown approaches, and Ted is rude to him. John says he’s here to see them both and believes he can help, but only if they do it his way. Catherine storms off, declaring that no man is going to tell her what to do. John claims he knows how to win these types of fights, but Ted insists they don’t need him right now.
I can see this is building to something, and I’m ready to let it play out, but after the past month – including the introduction of the Doomsday Clock – I can’t help but feel this is Dibiase’s company, and these two are just along for the ride. He’s getting most of the credit for the company’s ratings success, and he’s involved in a main story arc with both Bray Wyatt and Jackie Mouse. He’s the main character, and it’s going to be hard to convince me otherwise.
Backstage, Dr. Evil is with Mr. Kennedy, and Evil admits they made a mistake when Hans attacked him. He’s going to send Hans a message, and suddenly the Establishment attacks Mr. Kennedy! (Recon: I’m just glad we’re working again!) WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS UNCANNY VALLEY SHIT – that’s exactly what Boss Man said on Dynamite in his new Head of Security role. I swear, the same guy wrote both episodes! Hans then storms in and attacks the Establishment as Evil flees. Kennedy ends the segment with a sigh, muttering, “We’re about to get fired.”
Back to the ring for a Premier 8 match… didn’t we just see this with the M6 match?!? Oh wait, it’s totally different, guys! No over-the-top-rope eliminations this time. face palm What is this booking in the Premier Division? We’ve gone from LA Knight beating Hayes for the belt at Starrcade, to Knight’s injury, and now we’ve put the strap on Mistico after he beat a bunch of guys that – no disrespect intended – have no right to be in this match.
It’s not that I’m against seeing Raph, Ladies Man, or even guys like Kushida. But you’ve got to build these dudes up for what’s supposed to be a flagship championship. With a roster as deep as it is, I can’t help but wonder if this match would have felt bigger with stars who had a believable shot at winning. Aside from Hayes and Mistico, only Christian felt like a legitimate contender, though even he was more of a dark horse. Joe could be on that level, but he needs some rehabbing after being jobbed out to The Rock in WWE earlier this year.
This is where the company will benefit from an increased calendar in the fall. With more TV time, they can afford to gamble with the lesser-known stars without making every minute feel so precious.
SEGMENT THREE
We get a backstage segment with AJ Lee and Nikki Bella – I don’t have much to say about this, since it’s clearly the very beginning of something.
The Ladies Man is out next, and we’re getting our second in-ring promo of the night, which for what it’s worth, is something PWI RARELY did. It is one of the best ways to get characters over and explain their motivations, but I think it’s hilarious the choices of those getting mic time. The music plays for an uncomfortably long time before they finally shut it off. Ladies Man clears the ring of the ring announcer and referee, and says the fans come for him. Gross. He calls himself the modern day feminist champion, and debuts his new show – That Time of the Month featuring the Ladies Man. Okay, I love this, god dammit. Who knew that MMouse Enterprises just needed an edgier presentation? It’s working for Cash Mouse Entertainment. Ladies Man makes some disparaging remarks about Kamala Harris, before he’s finally shut up by Ricky Starks. I’ll admit it, Starks is off to the best month of his career so far. AEW wasted him, and although I know there were plans “down the line,” this is what he could have been in the moment had the powers that be gave him the platform. Granted the talent pool in the Dub is deep, but I’ll never get over the loss of Starks. Starks thinks he chases Ladies Man off, only for Ladies Man to come back and lay him out. Good stuff.
We switch gears and it’s time for the Women’s Championship. Angelina Love previously picked up a big win for the title shot opportunity, but no one in their right mind is expecting her to walk out of tonight with the gold. Love and Jade put on a good match, and ultimately it’s Jade who walks out the winner (even if Buffer momentarily declared that we had a new champion.)
SEGMENT FOUR
Back from break, it’s time for the main event as Bray Wyatt is set to defend the Undisputed Championship against Matt Cardona. I get the allure of having the belt regularly defended, and with no PPVs, I understand the temptation to have these marquee matches on the special episodes, but I’d have liked to see this match following a proper feud. It’s clear to me that Caronda’s main plot line remains his feud with Randy Orton, and aside from maybe Attitude, there’s not really a believable opponent to unseat Wyatt at this time.
Before the match can get under way, the CFO IRS is out to “perform an audit on the situation at hand.” He says he knows what makes Bray tick, and he’s prepared to use it against him if need be. I still don’t really get the hate for Bray – dude “saved the industry” and did exactly what was asked of him. The about-face from Dibiase and crew still baffles me, and feels somewhat forced to create this storyline, rather than being earned organically. I’m being nit-picky, but while I’m loving the increased storylines from the company, I do ask that we make them make sense from the jump. Not every storyline needs to be a puzzle for the viewer to piece together, and sometimes clearly expressed motivations are the best way to go. IRS demands Wyatt lay the title down and “do the right thing.” Unlike Spike Lee, Bray comes out, but as he gets in IRS’s face, he’s interrupted by Dr. Evil. Evil says if Wyatt doesn’t show his father respect as his superior, he will strip him of the belt. The lights go out, and “Hurt” by Johnny Cash plays. By Gawd, it’s Lenny Mouse!!! Ok, take back everything I just said, I am into this now. How fucked up would it be if I formed a fandom/religion in Lenny’s name, and stan for him like he used to for MJF? I might do it. Lenny says it hasn’t been easy, but he’s put the bottle down and he’s back to work. Lenny says Evil ruined the lives of his brothers, and tried to ruin his. But he’s done with Evil’s BS, and says as Commissioner of ULW he overrules them all and demands them out of the ring. Lenny tells Bray he hasn’t forgotten about that fateful moment that claimed Mickey and Vinny’s life. Also, as Lenny brings Priest out to serve as enforcer, I remember he’s a legit contender for Bray down the line. I stand corrected.
As for the match itself, it too was fine – if not good, even, but it suffered from the insane come down from the segment that preceded it. I know it’s probably unpopular to say, but the wrestling’s never been my favorite part of pro-wrestling. It’s just a vehicle for what the shows really are – modern day soap operas for men. Wyatt retains, and Dragonfly runs in after to get his revenge on Cardona and then we switch back to the therapy with Evil and Jackie. Evil wants Jackie to say his name. She gets mad and the lights flicker, and Evil says they can take a break. Evil steps out of the room as Jackie laughs to herself while the lights flicker. We end what is perhaps the best efforts we’ve seen from the company to date. Also, the set is badass – thought I’d mention that. (
In conclusion, it’s funny to me that as the WWE leans into more serious content, AEW and ULW has reversed course and offered more and more comedy, and I think there’s something to that. I hope to see more hilarity in the WWE after we get out of this period of setting up new storylines. We’re off to a great start in the 7th Era, and everyone’s firing on all cylinders. It’s a good time to be a fan!
World Of Wrestling: Murrey Universe 