Anthony’s Side Mission – WWE torches me eyes and ears!
Yo! What in the actual fuck have we just witnessed, my boys and girls???
The E brought that EXTRA ENERGY, my dudes! This week was straight fire, if I may say so myself!
Like, look, Raw was ok and all, but the fire was shootin’ out all of the orifices from Tuesday through Saturday!
Not to gloss over last Monday’s broadcast at all, because it definitely had some high points (lookin’ at my dudes, Bret and Goldberg, as well as Stacy’s stiff competition in the debuting Lyra).
One area that I will bitch a lil’ is with my bald-headed buddy, Karrion, coming back to eat a predictable loss. This guy carried NXT on his back for YEARS and now he is an overpaid enhancement talent? AHHHH!
FUCK!
SHIT!
I am NOT reacting to Karrion…my dick just rubbed against the zipper! THAT’S WHAT I GET FOR GOING COMMANDO IN JEANS! AHHHH!!!
I need a coffee break to rethink my attire…
…now that I replaced the jeans for the Power Ranger bottoms, I am feeling free to get hard in peace.
…No, thinking of Karrion didn’t make me erect. I am a proper perv. Unless, seeing bald white guys get beat down is your kink…I don’t judge.
Either way, back to Raw. I loved Mami contributing on the headset as we watched Natalya taking down Sonya. Wait! Does that mean Natalya is the New Women’s United States Champion? Check back after these messages and a quick smoke sesh…
…Jury is still out. I suppose we will wait for more announcements from the peanut gallery in WWE.
Gunther squashes Ivar as Seth comes out to remind the Austrian who he will be up against at the Rumble, and I have a new idea for how to propose to Stacy. Daddy’s coming, Stace, and then I will be on my way!
The NEXT DAY, NXT gives us a banger of a promo from HBP. Mystico defeats Stacks to remind us that he is alive, and my gut is destroyed from laughing at the tag match with the Venereal Diseas…er…the VDs…RVD and JCVD taking on Chase U. Now, a tag title match is around the corner! I NEED JEAN TO WIN GOLD!! GIVE ME WHAT I WANT!! (I will NEVER talk to you this way, Stacy. All peace and gravy over here waitin’ for you, baby!)
Ethan Page takes down Baron Corbin…who never stood a chance…and then Nic Nemeth (Dolph Ziggler without the Nazi name) arrives to give Page a scare and the older millennial women a tickle for their…non-pickle.
Like I said, a STRONG NXT episode, but it gets better!
Smackdown was EVEN BETTER. Alba Fyre lights a fire in me and BRIEFLY makes me forget that I owe Stacy some massages. The redhead takes down Michin in Mia’s third loss in a row, and then speaks, but I am hypnotized by that red hair and don’t pay attention to anything she says. TEN OUT OF TEN!
We get an hilarious “Life and Legacy” preview with the continued hints at Murrey being a Mouse Bastard alongside Scott Nash. How much seed did this Mouse family spill out there? Will the real Mouse family please stand up?!
Bayley and Stratton have a boob battle or something…I dunno, I was just mesmerized wishin’ that Alba was in there adding some flames for this BBQ…
Man…that sounds good. BBQ Chicken with green beans and mashed potatoes…and WHY ARE MY PANTS GETTING’ TIGHTER??? I AM THINKIN’ BOUT FOOD…NOT BOOBS! FOOD!!!
The Street Profits…who are now FIVE TIME TAG CHAMPIONS…speak and I can only hold up my fist for my boys! Presently making a good case for being the best tag team of the modern age! NO CAP!!
Finally, to close out WWE’s go-home show, we see Braun steamroll the former WWE Champion, Damian Priest, en route to retaining the US strap. The Hollow still confuses the fuck outta me for just casting Gacy aside like an ugly sidepiece that you smashed while under the influence, but I am here for wherever the fuck this is goin!
The ROYAL RUMBLE gets underway, and I am blown away by the opening video package. This gets five middle fingers up from me! That’s a prestig…prestie…awesome award to get from yo boy, Anthony! Mad props!
Next, I am IN TOTAL SHOCK AS MAMI DROPS THE GOLD TO NATTIE! WHAT??????? Nattie takes a Women’s title for the first time in *checks notes* 15+ years when she briefly reigned in ECW! Wow! Five Middle Fingers!
The Jeff Gene files creep out a little more than an old man tryin’ to leak his lizard, and I am rollin’ here. HOW MANY CROTCH RODENT-HUMANS DID THIS FAMILY PRODUCE??
Bayley CHEATS to beat Stratton, and now I suddenly remember everything that happened between them on the Smackdown the night before as if I was Bradley Cooper in “Limitless” suddenly recalling everything he barely read! Wow…what was in that joint? Also, HELL YEAH, BAYLEY! Do what it takes! (Side note: I AM what it takes…just a thought…sorry, Stace…)
Jean Claude absolutely SLAYS me again, when he takes down Pete the Ref and slides into Nikki’s hopes and dreams. Man, I ain’t playin’, I may like to swing my log towards the ladies, but if you no sell just nonchalantly knocking out my captor, I am gonna fold into your French-speakin’ arms faster than a cannon ball shot at the Earth from a spaceship goin down! Bro had me second-guessing my sexuality on behalf of Nikki!
I need to teach Stacy French and martial arts and have her watch some JCVD marathons! Totally unrelated…
By the way, I need to leap into the future a bit and say that JCVD’s elimination had me on the verge of literal death with laughter! Like, I saw my ancestors shamin me for all the beat sesh that I conducted to Britney music videos years ago…it was a scene, until the Lord restored my lifesource before the reaper came and got me! What a ride!
Seth Rollins beats Gunther in a hellacious battle for supremacy. Had me scared for the Architect for a second, but then I left this bout thinkin’ that Seth may actually win the Rumble and seek to unify his title with Rock’s.
The next match had me on the edge of my seat and poppin some relaxation magic, because my heart was racin! Rock damn near lost it all, but then he did the unthinkable: he ended Duxen’s reign of terror as the longest reigning champ of all time! Good job, my boy!
Finally, we have the Rumble match, and I was LOCKED IN! Johnny Quest reluctantly watched the bout with me. He was betting on Chad Gable, and I had Seth as my pick. Not gonna lie, I DIED LAUGHING in Quest’s stupid face when his pick was eliminated! I started countin my dough and placin my bets! This belonged to Se…
WAIT! RANDY MUTHAFUCKIN ORTON ENTERED THE RUMBLE! HE IS IN WWE!
Quest perked up and got prepped to laugh in my face the second Seth went over, because NO ONE WAS BEATIN ORTON NOW! Quest laughed at me, as predicted, for losing a month’s worth of income on Seth, and now Orton comes out the victor and is Quest’s pick (as well as mine, to be 100 here) to end the Rock’s reign!
From start to finish, the Royal Rumble is a prime candidate for show of the year, and even show of the era so far! Boys and girls, that’s how it’s done. Just a shame that such a blockbuster show had no competition to slay!
It’s been real, prep yourselves for Quest to spit some facts at you by the end of the night!
Until our next Mission, this has been Anthony!
World Of Wrestling: Murrey Universe 