Press Release
July 30th, 2025
11:41pm
Brooklyn, NY
Cash Mouse Entertainment BRO-HQ
Minutes after the final ratings for Monday, July 28th, 2025 were released, the acting Vice Commissioner of ULW issued the following press release:
I’m onto you, Non-Bros! I’m onto you! First, you act very non-bro-like in reaction to my celebration last week for our historic and ABSOLUTELY EXPECTED victory last week, and then you call all the Bros and tell them that they’re not bros if they watch my State of the Bros Address. That was so non-bro of you non-bros, and I am not even trying to be a sour bro. I’m serious, bro. Serious.
So, I have been working with my fantastic team of Bros both among Recon and Sniper as well as with the Bro Cabinet to figure out how to fix the Bro-Ratio Crisis. While our very qualified team of bros is fully capable of restoring the bro balance to its natural state, I feel it necessary to appease a bro or two who’ve been throwing up their hands in complaint about the lack of a planned show for this coming Monday.
They be all like: “WHAT’S UP WITH THAT, BRO?!” To which, I reply, “Bro, you’re right. My bad, bro, my bad.”
As we prepare to combat the suspicious rise of non-bro activity in the grand Bro-Ratio Crisis, I have just received the go-ahead from my real Main Bro, the Doctor of Bronomics himself, Lenny Mouse, to premiere a new annual special…just as I dreamed…to be called “BroDown ShowDown”!
Granted, Dr. Lenny did have to level with a bro and tell me that the show couldn’t be a full-length show, but I’m gonna make it count, bros, and prove to him that we can deliver!
So, for this special feature of the “BroDown ShowDown”, we have two incredible bros who hate each other going at it in a Falls Count Anywhere match, bro!
In the one corner, we have the perpetual bitter bro, Kevin Owens!
In the other corner, we have the spiritually-empowered, wicked wizard bro, Bray Wyatt!
These two bros are gonna go toe to toe until there is only one bro standing, and that last standing bro will be able to yell “BRO!” as he challenges for the Undisputed Championship against Chris Jericho on the next installment of Aggression, bros!
Now, how about that?!
Ok, so, bros, I want to apologize for breaking into fear tears during my State of the Bros address, because that was so non-bro like. I even felt bad for the non-bro CJ Perry for having to mop it up. There was a lot bros, there was a lot. Made a bro feel really sad, bros.
I guess my Mom was right about that. I cry too much bros. Especially when I am scared, and I guess that means I have a lot of work to do before I can attain my dream of becoming the Ultimate Bro.
In the meantime, I suppose I want to offer a sincere congratulations to Non-Bro Wrestling for their victory on Dynamite. Good job, but I won’t call you bro, because you ain’t a bro. You’re a non-bro. Hence the name.
Peace, bros (this doesn’t apply to NBW)!
Frustratingly and painfully submitted by
Lawrence C. Mason
Communications Director and Spokesman for Cash Mouse Entertainment
World Of Wrestling: Murrey Universe 