Anthony’s Side Mission Triple – Back in Yo DMs!!
Just like the G that y’all know me to be, I bounced for a few and then slid back up in front of yous like a McDs assembly line during rush hour. It was a fun past couple of weeks living under the fantasy of the industry being back on track or some shit, but let’s keep it real: the only thing that’s inevitable is that I am gonna get more play than your favorite MP3, and especially more than Quest and that midget whose job it is to cover those Elite bitches.
Anyways, enough with the knocks on BWM, its time to talk about the Trips and his hoard of wrestling gangstas in the E.
Trips came out and started hurling around insults at ULW, which is all fun and games, but he forgot the real playa with some free rent space in that dome of his: me! Ya, boy! Hunter don’t want none of this guy right here. As soon as I convince Stacy to give me a coronation ceremony and a mic free of a nearby dumpster, Imma teach Helmsley a few things about captivating the people. Hell, when I’m done, he’ll just hand me that Duo Dominatrix championship on a platter. I’m just not into whips and shit, ya heard????
After my bald buddy with no nutties offered his two cents, Finn was in front of a mic speaking Irish riddles or some shit. It was about two minutes in that I realized that he wasn’t tryna talk at us about St. Patty’s Day, and then I heard him squak somethin about a Reborn Judgment. I dunno what Brodie is gonna say bout it, but I do know that Balor’s got a few weeks left of this season to make good on his pledge to bring in some stars to stand beside him. We’ll see if he got the rizz to make this shit happen!
I will also say that I dig this whole Bloodline shit, but Rock’s got a stranglehold on the strap, bro. Roman may be building his team and all, but the facts are that the Great One may be the unbeatable one! Just check bro’s promo on Smackdown! He finna eat Roman’s life and then use Ladies Man to pick the remains from his Johnson…er…teeth. His Johnson Teeth…fuck it, he gonna dominate!
As for this funny ass shit with the Intercontinental Title, I pissed myself laughing as the Doc escaped Mexico as the “Crazy Scientist” with the strap. My boy Chad was confused, by Doc is the man, and I am gonna be the first to endorse him for prez next time around! Ya hear that?? Brown is Down with the people and he gonna get shit done by going back in time and making America great!
Oh, and Doc need not fear Rey Mysterio. He may think he has the experience as a Lucha, but Doc has his fingers on the pulse. I vote “no” on Rey, bro, take that shit to the bank, man!
And my mans, Kofi, has to careful, yo! He lucky that the po po didn’t snatch and deport him back to Africa for his home invasion of Big E. I’m all for the aggression, because you gotta be tough in this day to make bank and get attention, but Kingston needs to cool it so that he actually makes it to Wrestle Empire. Fuck Big E, for real, he a bitch, but Kofi has to act right until the time to throw down gets here!
Oh, and then WWE closed the week with a no holds barred brawl to qualify for the dominatrix strap. Flex Fuller came out on top in this bloody shindig, and now I am feeling some type of way. I don’t want no heat, my dawg, you can have the strap. Just don’t come for me!
And now, let’s pass it over to someone “more professional” to preview ULW’s super event tonight: “Easter Evil”
…Thank you, Anthony. Crazy guy, that is, I am Jeff Esiason here for old time’s sake to offer a brief preview for tonight’s ULW show.
First and foremost, after she intervened in the fatal four way qualification match for the Death From Above match, the International Champion, Io Shirai, has extended an offer to defend her title in a handicap match against the women who she cost: Akosha, Nikki Cross, and The Bunny. So, the match has been granted and it will be fought under elimination and tornado rules!
Afterwards, we will see the fifth consecutive installment of the Women’s Death From Above match (as well as the Epic Royale, but more on that in a moment), and the 8th of all time when you count the three installments from HCW in the Fourth Era. In this battle to see who will earn a guaranteed shot at the Women’s Title, Charlotte Flair, Cora Jade, Jade Cargill, and AJ Lee will square off! Last year, Jade Cargill won and then went on to unseat Alexa Bliss, but will Charlotte Flair, Cora, and AJ throw a wrench into Cargill’s hopes to repeat? We will see!
Next, we see the Ladies Man defend the Undisputed Title against the League Champion, Kevin Owens. Ladies Man managed to shock the world two weeks ago when he unseated CM Punk thanks to a botched interference by Bron Breakker, and then repeated his success by capitalizing on Randy Orton’s resentment towards Connor McGregor. Owens, though, has no such distractions, and he has 7 total opportunities guaranteed to him. Will Ladies Man pull it off again, or will we be seeing a new world champion…yet again???
Finally, we have the Main Event, and in said match is the 5th Annual 40-Man Epic Royale to determine who will earn a shot at the Undisputed Championship. If you recall the previous four installments, ANYTHING can happen in this unpredictable match, and I couldn’t be more excited for it!
Let’s get ready for EASTER EVIL!!
Until our next Mission, this has been Anthony!
World Of Wrestling: Murrey Universe 