ULW Coming Together

Joint Headquarters of ULW

Columbus, OH

June 7^th, 2024

The following press release was submitted jointly by the leadership of Undisputed League Wrestling:

To the fans of Professional Wrestling,

First and foremost, please accept our humblest apologies on not having this press release ready by last night; as was originally promised. The past few days have been exciting and rife with rapidly-changing conditions and breaking news left and right.

Before we continue with divulging the latest information about Cash Mouse Entertainment and Undisputed League Wrestling, the Trio of Leadership (The Co-CEOs/Chairs/Owners: Catherine Mouse, Ted Brown, and Ted Dibiase Sr.) – henceforth to be known and referred to as the Triad – wanted to reciprocate the kind gesture seen by Chairwoman of the Board of BWM Inc., Megan Mouse. Specifically, Triad Member Mouse had this to say:

“Our Fathers were never truly kind to us. They exploited our involvement in this business and in the corporate world for their own enjoyment and enrichment. While I take no pride whatsoever in the fate of my father or my uncles, I recognize that the recent events of tragedy provide us with a truly rare opportunity to start from scratch and kick off a grand new era for this great sport. I look forward to establishing a cordial and professional business relationship both with my cousin – who I never rejected, not even when it was believed that she was adopted – and with the company she now unquestionably leads. It is my hope that the recent trade deal involving two great tag teams will show just how serious we here at Cash Mouse Entertainment are about this.

Furthermore, it is my hope – and I think I can even speak for the Triad here – that we can rekindle the same working relationship with Seventh Era Productions that my father had with Murrey Entertainment. The business endures and thrives for all when we have friendly competition instead of the adversarial alignment that has cursed our industry for generations.”

Now, onto the details that you have been waiting for –

In addition to the Triad, the Administration of Cash Mouse Entertainment will consist of:

Executive Assistant to the Triad: Jackie Mouse

President: Blaster Bladwick

Vice-President: Shane McMahon

Administrative Advisor: Woody Woodstrum the Second

Chief Operations Officer: Jim Ross

Chief Content Officer: Richard Dredd Venom

Communications Director and Spokesperson: Lawrence C. Mason

Furthermore, the Administrative Cabinet of Undisputed League Wrestling will consist of:

Chief Commissioner: Leonard Nimoy Mouse

Vice Commissioner: Doctor Evil

Lead Booker: Jeff Esiason

Premier Commissioner: CJ Perry (popularly known as “Lana”)

Extreme Commissioner: Stephanie McMahon

Senior Official: Earl Hebner

Absentee Leader: Scott Nash

Finally, the additional on-screen administrative duties will be carried out by the following:

Ring Announcer: Michael Buffer

Announce Team: Jim Ross & Ric Venom

Interview Team: Lawrence Mason, Billy “Fitz Riot” Lee, and Sunny

Officiating Team: Earl Hebner, Brutus White, Brian “Road Dogg” James, Sean “X-Pac” Waltman, John Stamboli, Lance Storm, Charles “Chaz” Warrington, Ray “Bossman” Traylor, Andrew “Test” Martin, & Ted Van Dam

As to what they will be administrating, there will be – as mentioned previously -, very few “rules”, per se:

1. The Triad will share a triple-set of powers and responsibilities: Co-Owners, Co-CEOs, and Co-Chairs of the Board
2. ULW will have no count-outs
3. Only 10 male (including the Premier and Extreme Champions, who will sit atop the male collection of each League) and 5 female superstars will be exclusive to each League; a privilege that must be earned via performance, or by becoming the Premier or Extreme Champion
4. The Undisputed, Women’s, Tag Team, and Women’s International Championships will each be up for grabs for all qualifying ULW talent. The Women’s International Championship itself will be recognized as the only company-wide “Second-Place” (or so-called “Mid-Card”) Championship.
5. The “Extreme League” will have no disqualifications & the “Premier League” will have preferential treatment regarding the Undisputed and Women’s Championships; though, both will be representing the entire company and defended across the board
6. ULW show will be as follows: “Aggression” (Monday), “Animosity” (Tuesday), and “Intensity” (Friday)
7. ULW will consist of 1 4-match show a week from June-August (“Aggression”); this will be called the “Summer Warm-Up” Period
8. From September-May – or “Main Season” -, ULW will consist of 1 4-match show and 2 2-match shows a week for 7 weeks (“Aggression”, “Animosity”, and “Intensity”), and 1 5-match show (“Aggression”) and 1 3-match show (“Intensity”) every 8^th week
9. During the Summer Warm-Up, “Aggression” will alternate week-to-week between being a show hosted by the “Premier League” and the “Extreme League”; this will kick off with the “Premier League” in 2024, and will thereafter be determined as prescribed in Rule #10.
10. Then, during the first seven weeks of the Main Season, the hosting League of “Aggression” will be determined by whichever side prevailed – on average – in the ratings during the Warm-Up. The other League will then host “Animosity” and “Intensity” through that first seven weeks. Every eighth week during the Main Season will be hosted simply by the unified “ULW”. Whichever League prevails on average the most during each seven week period will go on to host “Aggression” in the following seven week period, and this pattern will continue through to the end of the season, and then through the final stretch. The last League to not host “Aggression” will then be the first to host it in the subsequent Warm-Up Period.

Now, this brings us to the news that you definitely don’t want to miss or overlook, because “Rule #11” is a rule that we regret, as it was forced upon us by decree of the signed terms of the interpromotional war which tragically ended not just the PWI and HCW, but also the lives of Chairman Mouse and his brother Vinny. Our records show that Scott Nash – acting at the time on behalf of HCW during the contract negotiations for the Global Conflict Series back in January – slipped in a “poison pill” that was apparently requested by Mickey.

In this provision – which was signed by HCW, via Scott Nash, and was hastily agreed upon by Ted Dibiase as part of the larger agreement when he brought the Million Dollar Corporation into the war -, it states that “any succeeding company – henceforth referenced inside brackets, so as to be replaced with whatever name is decided on for such -, in the event that Team PWI does not win, will have to execute ‘proposal 1’.”

Deep into the pages of the war contract, you find that Proposal One – which is literally the ONLY proposal – mandates the following: “Upon enduring 5 consecutives weeks of inactivity from any company or at least the competition of [the succeeding company of PWI and HCW], [the same company] will have to embark on a final ten week journey towards a Series Finale, entitled ‘Armageddon V: Mickey’s Last Laugh’.”

So, to make it clear and concise: Rule 11 is a rule mandated by Mickey and his secret partnership with his half-brother Scott Nash to end the Seventh Era the moment we see sustained inactivity from our competition.

It is our sincere hope that we never have to host a Fifth Armageddon, because we love this business more than words can covey.

Please stay tuned, as the ULW website will be set up by the end of the weekend.

Respectfully submitted by Cash Mouse Entertainment Spokesperson, Lawrence C. Mason