Raw Results
05/13/2024
Opening
The titantron flashes with highlights from Murrey’s luxurious vacation – sipping piña coladas on a private beach, getting a deep tissue massage from a dwarf lady dressed up as midget Hogan, throwing darts at a dart board that have faces of the iconic mouse family plus splinter (Murrey is clearly confused by who is in the family) and lounging on a yacht.
The crowd roars as the CEO struts down the ramp, sporting a fresh tan and a blinding white smile.
“Whew, what a week off!” Murrey bellows into the microphone, adjusting his thousand-dollar sunglasses. “You’ll never believe the kind of deep, philosophical questions I was able to ponder.”
“For instance, why do these other rinky-dink wrestling companies keep yammering about opening up ‘Million Dollar’ leagues? Hello?! We live in a TRILLION dollar age, people! It’s time to think bigger!”
A few awkward cheers punctuate Murrey’s rant as he waggles a finger condescendingly.
“And another thing – when are they going to reveal that the real Mickey Mouse has never actually been seen in public? That high-pitched voice you hear is really a girl relative by the same name! The lies! The deceit!”
Suddenly, a stagehand rushes up and whispers in Murrey’s ear, causing his brow to furrow.
“What do you mean Carmello Anthony is a basketball player?! I was talking to the wrong prospect? – Carmello Hayes is his name?! We need to sign him immediately before the NBA snatches up that talent!”
“Enjoy the show tonight!”
Crowd cheers as we go to commercial
The opening pyro explodes and the iconic electrifying theme blares through the speakers, sending the crowd into a frenzy. The People’s Champ, The Rock, emerges on the stage, soaking in the deafening roar of the WWE Universe.
“IF YOU SMELLLLLL…WHAT THE ROCK…IS COOKIN’!” he bellows, raising the electrified millions and sending shockwaves of energy through the arena.
The Rock vs Angelo Dawkins
The opening bell rings and Angelo Dawkins charges at The Rock, but the wrestling icon catches him with a devastating spine-busting spinebuster. Dawkins writhes in pain as The Great One taunts him with his signature raised eyebrow and intense stare.
The match rages on, with The Rock dodging Dawkins’ high-flying offense with his quick feet and ring savvy. Finally, The Brahma Bull sees his opening and plants Dawkins with the most electrifying move in sports entertainment – The People’s Elbow!
“ONE…TWO…THREE!” The ref’s count echoes as The Rock’s music hits, signaling his dominant victory.
Winner: The Rock
The Rock grabs the mic and sneers at the fallen Dawkins. “For the seventh era, the Bloodline’s reign is just beginning. This industry? It belongs to The Rock and his bloodline’s dominance cannot be denied!”
He breaks out into his iconic laugh as the crowd roars in mixed approval of the People’s Champ asserting the Bloodlines’ dominance over the entire WWE Universe.
In The Army Now
The scene opens to the backstage area, where a despondent Johnny Lawrence is slumped on a steel chair, his head hung low. A four by six photo of the Intercontinental Championship belt lies discarded on the floor beside him.
Suddenly, a recruitment officer in full military garb approaches Lawrence.
“Son, are you ready to be all you can be?” the officer booms, thrusting an enlistment form into Johnny’s hands.
Lawrence looks up, his eyes puffy and red-rimmed. “Yeah, I thought I would get ahead of the upcoming draft.”
The officer’s brow furrows in confusion. “Son, I’m talking about joining the United States Army! This isn’t the World of Wrestling draft. Trading in that photo for a set of dog tags.”
Johnny glances down at the photo of the Intercontinental title and lets out a mournful sigh. “Yeah, well, this hunk of metal doesn’t mean much anymore since I lost it.” He clasps the enlistment form, his eyes suddenly alight with hope.
“You know what, maybe joining the Army is exactly what I need! A fresh start away from all the showboating and combat.”
He stands up, squaring his shoulders with resolve. “I’m ready to fight for real this time. To defend my country against the forces of evil, like a true American hero!”
The officer beams and claps Johnny firmly on the back. “That’s the spirit, son! Although truth be told, most of our engagements these days involve…air quotes…nation building.”
Johnny’s face falls instantly as the realization dawns. “Wait, so no actual fighting? Just pushing papers and teaching flower arranging classes?”
He shakes his head vehemently and shoves the enlistment form back into the officer’s hands.
Johnny scoops up the photo of the Intercontinental title belt and storms off down the hallway, his spirit somewhat rejuvenated, as the bewildered recruitment officer looks on in confusion.
Fade to commercial
Damian Priest vs Chris Jericho
The bell rings and the crowd is electric as Chris Jericho makes his trademark “Judas themed” over-the-top entrance, spinning his jacket full of spikes in a dazzling display. His opponent, Damian Priest, emerges from the opposite side of the entrance ramp, mysterious and menacing on a quest to prove his relevance for the draft.
The two veterans tie up in the center of the ring, jockeying for position. Jericho uses his technical prowess to gain an early advantage, grounding Priest with his signature arm drags and choppy offense. But the younger, bigger Priest eventually overpowers Jericho, slamming him to the mat with a series of blistering strikes.
As the match wears on, the high-impact offense takes its toll on the 52-year-old Jericho. He fights valiantly, even locking in the dreaded Walls of Jericho on Priest. But the Archer of Infamy refuses to quit, slowly making his way to the ropes to force the break.
Moments later, Priest catches Jericho with a stiff Reckoning knee strike for the surprising 1-2-3! The upset victory stuns the WWE Universe as Priest’s theme blares and he celebrates his huge win.
Winner: Damian Priest
The broadcast team of Jerry Lawler and Pat McAfee weighs in on the shocking result.
McAfee: “What a monumental victory for the Damian Priest here tonight over a true legend in Chris Jericho!”
Lawler: “You have to start wondering if this is the beginning of the end for the Ayatollah of Rock n Rolla. He gave it his all as always, but Priest was simply too young, too hungry tonight.”
Mcafee: “It’s no secret that Jericho has contemplated hanging up the tights for good over the last couple of years. A devastating loss like this has to make him question how much he has left in the tank.”
Lawler: “Jericho is a first-ballot Hall of Famer regardless, but he’s never been one to stick around past his due date. Maybe this is the wakeup call that it’s finally time to end one of the greatest careers in wrestling history.”
The commentary team recaps the high points of Jericho’s legendary career as the camera pans to the dejected Jericho, sitting on the ramp and staring off into the distance, seemingly contemplating his future in the ring.
End of Show
World Of Wrestling: Murrey Universe 