Who’s got you when you need a good rub while reading a banger of a wrestling article?
Me…wait, that is not what I meant…PUT IT AWAY!!!
Oh God…I need to watch out how I phrase things. I know I have that slapping disorder, but I don’t need anyone else trying to lend me their…members…
ANYWAYS, let’s get to work, because this is going to be a long one!
AHHH DAMN!! I DIDN’T MEAN THAT!!!
TEN. Nia on the War-Path!
The first three episodes of Dark for AEW have been on fire, and they have gone the distance in showcasing the incredible talent of one unfortunately-overlooked talent for this era: Nia Jax.
This incredible specimen – who may arguably have a spot in the Bloodline, if they will have her – has been destroying her competition left and right on the internet-exclusive program, and us critics are certainly taking notice!
I absolutely foresee Nia making her presence known at either Retribution or an impending episode of Dynamite to send a serious warning signal to the Knockouts atop the division. Watch out for this beast, because she has gold gleaming in her eyes and she won’t stop until she is wearing it!
NINE. Gunther speaks like a Champion
AEW’s latest catch has been a great ratings-grab for them as well, and I am left scratching my head about how WWE could be so willing to part ways with him, but more on that later.
The last European Champion had a stern and even dismissive response to the bold words from Swerve that were heard the previous Friday on Dark. Gunther wants the Television Title and sees his victory for it as a foregone conclusion.
I honestly wouldn’t want to be Cody right now, nor would I want to be Swerve. Gunther is about to be a Mack Truck running at 80 miles per hour, with no brakes, and through a mountainous range in Pennsylvania towards crowded traffic! Swerve and Cody may just want to get out of the way at this point and just hand the prize over to the Ring General before they lose their nipples in the chest-chopping-fest to come!
Holy Shnikeys, this is going to be brutal!
EIGHT. Priest kicked out of the Final Judgment
In a somewhat confusingly random, yet-note-worthy, occurrence on Raw this past Monday, Damian Priest was unceremoniously removed from the Final Judgment’s roster as Rhea Ripley seemingly took the helm and joined Dom Dom in dispensing with the old leader!
I sincerely didn’t see this twist coming, and while I could see justifying the betrayal by pointing to Priest failing to get back to the top since losing the WWE Title to Drew last summer, I am still left scratching my head a tad at the timing of it all.
With that said, I am looking forward to whatever is coming next, but more on that later!
SEVEN. Wrap-Party Madness
NXT opened up in awesome fashion this past Tuesday with Johnny Lawrence and the rest of his crew from “Cobra Kai” celebrating the completion of filming for their series. He even had his costar, Mr. XOXO, or whatever the fuck his name is (I like the kid, but I am high, so beat it…NO NOT AT ME!! Keep your knuckle children in your tube socks, man!!).
This celebration was great until Bobby Lashley and the rest of his no-fun crew angrily disrupted the festivities, leaving carnage behind! It was cool to see all of these talented actors and actresses on my screen, but I kind of wish WWE had done this the night before, because it would have certainly helped boost them closer to the number one spot!
The JWO will most certainly get some kind of vengeance on the rude intruder, but we will have to wait for that until tonight, I presume!
SIX. Lesnar/Roman Teaser
AEW did something really awesome this past Monday, if you don’t mind me saying.
…wait, you do mind? Who fucking cares?! This is my column and I will write whatever I want! HA HA HA HA HA!!
Ok, I got some Hail Maxxes in and now it’s back to business!
Leading up to Roman’s victory on Monday, we saw a brief – yet fantastic – encounter in the Gorilla Position between Roman and Lesnar, with Heyman cowering behind his Tribal Chief.
Lesnar eye-balled the fuck out of Roman and despite Roman insisting that they had no quarrel, Lesnar proceeded to forewarn that the Quarrels will be Quarreling soon enough between them, and to think it is all over Mr. Heyman.
Were these guys ECW fanatics or something???
No matter, this was good shit and I am dying to see more!
FIVE. Sacrosanct Burgers
Another thing I am DYING to see more of is this Americanization of Shinsuke Nakamura!
Raw saw Nakamura taken to the sacred grounds of McDonald’s by the greatest promoter for all things crazy: Doc Brown.
Murrey may not have accepted the plan offered by Brown for a Speed Championship, but I am pretty sure that the owners of that McD’s franchise must have had a go at the Speed Table before this take was authorized.
Nakamura was mesmerized by the golden arches and the untold treasures for the tastebuds held in the building behind them. Will this help him win the prize? Time will tell, and we will delve more into that momentarily!
FOUR. Usos Cat-Fish Midget Hogan
Midget Hogan was partying like it was 2004 as he had his mind caught in the titty-hair of his beloved, much to the dismay of his fellow High-Minded members.
I swear, I will never quite understand what all of these guys saw in her. I am soooo glad that that train missed me…
…wait…did it?
I…can’t remember. Did I???
Fuck, all of this partying is starting to impact my memory. I need to check my journals from that time. Look at the “Forbidden Fruit” section and see if I…WAIT, WHY AM I SHARING THIS??? WHY CAN’T I JUST STOP?!
Oh, good, she is nowhere to be found in here.
Moving on!
Midget Hogan proceeded to leave his allies behind and fall victim to the most deserving…er, unfortunate cat-fish of all time!
Jimmy and Jey even tried to murder this poor guy by stuffing him into the trunk of their vehicle as they sent it flying into water!
Thankfully, he is ok, but there will certainly be hell to pay for this!
THREE. Murrey/Elizabeth love affair?
Jeff, Elizabeth, come on. We know what’s happening here. Elizabeth can keep trying to act like she is annoyed by the rumors of a love affair with Mr. Murrey, but we KNOW what’s going on here!
An added bonus to the latest power shake-up in WWE is this dynamic between Elizabeth and the CEO, wherein everyone thinks that they have a thing for each other. I mean, it’s a story that works since Murrey is the ONLY survivor of Elizabeth’s recent cleansing of the company with a fine-tooth comb.
How did he survive if he wasn’t boinking her? I will tell you how, it’s because the object of her desire is a real leader. A visionary who saw the need of the masses to be led by greatness. A religious Icon, if you will.
Yes, I know Elizabeth wants me, and I am eager to have a one on one with her to affirm that her feelings are well and true. She may have to occasionally play second fiddle to my life-sized MJF doll, for religious reasons of course, but she will be more than fulfilled when she feels what the doctrine of Betterness has done for me!
TWO. KO Comes to the E
Ok…back to THIS.
I have absolutely NO problems with Kevin Owens or Chris Jericho. I just want that to be known, but I do think that the two of them are low-hanging fruit compared to the absolute star that is Gunther!
No, I don’t believe that there will be any more surprises in store for us as part of the deal which sent Gunther to AEW, but I do think that this was a misstep on the part of WWE.
With that minor gripe out of the way, I will say that I am excited to see what Jericho and Owens have to offer in WWE, especially since they were immediately inserted into the World Title picture.
I am not yet ready to offer a prediction for Backlash, but I will before the show, and I can tell you that I see the end coming very soon for Rock’s reign.
ONE. Benny Verdict Awaits
Now, on to the biggest moment in the industry from this past week, and the PRIMARY reason that AEW won the night on the highest-averaging night for ratings in the history of the business!
For the past near-four months, we have been seeing this saga unfold involving my youngest sibling, his estranged ex-wife, his institutionalized daughter, a sycophantic minion, and a looming investigation.
For the past 4 years, we have seen this story play out from the dominant instability of EWA/AEW’s schedule through to the revelation of Benny’s dementia being the culprit, and the kidnapping of Megan in between.
For the past 2 decades, we have seen the slow-motion train build momentum only to take a tragic turn down a steep hill, the bottom of which we find ourselves right now.
This past week was an emotional rollercoaster which saw my brother faced with a decision: walk away from the business and back into the loving arms of Molly Mouse, or face the music from the Board of Directors.
Benny chose violence.
Tragically, that is truly all any of us Mouse family members know is the chaos which shrouds our blood-thirsty pursuit of power. I have fallen victim to it. Vinny has. Mickey certainly has. And Benny’s plunge into this madness borne of greed and lust for authority have been the latest drama to entrap us.
There is something to be said about how our minds gravitate towards disaster. We have been desensitized by our culture to love calamity. That’s why rubbernecking exists. It’s why disaster-based news is the HIGHEST rated incarnation of coverage.
We can’t get enough of it, and that’s why the ratings consistently show that the people can’t turn the TV off when my family self-destructs over our insatiable hunger for MORE.
I will not sit here and praise or even dignify the horrid actions of my brother with more than a veiled reference to what he did. We all saw it, whether live, on a replay, or in a recap. We saw what his greed has wrought, and now he will rightfully pay the piper for it tonight…or one can surely hope.
ON TO THE PREDICTIONS AND PREVIEW!
WWE:
Kevin Owens Debut? Priest Gets Revenge?
We have no preview for Raw whatsoever, but we do know two things about it, with the first fact being that it is the go-home show for a stacked Backlash PPV card (again, I will issue predictions for that later in the week).
Here, though, I will offer some predictions for some things that I can guess that we will see:
Firstly, I believe we will see Kevin Owens debut in WWE for his first match – probably tagged with Jericho – against what will likely be Rock and Solo. I see Rock and Solo winning that via shenanigans, but that will be a bad omen for Rock going into the weekend!
I also see some major progress to build to the finale to crown the new United States Champion. Chad Gable has been really silent on television as of late, and I think that ends this week.
Finally, Damian Priest will most likely exact some revenge for the way he was removed from the Final Judgment last week as we see WWE build for his Backlash encounter with Dom Dom!
Chairman Murrey’s 6th Wedding Anniversary
The other thing that we know is that it is Chairman Murrey’s 6th Anniversary.
Murrey is a master at self-humiliation, so I can absolutely see him making an ass out of himself by calling his wife by Elizabeth’s name, on accident. I will be forced to send him a letter reminding him that Elizabeth and I are an “item in waiting”, and we will all move on and be happier for it.
In all seriousness, I anticipate that this fact will play a role in a big way, and will also most certainly involve the reliably-funny Danhausen!
AEW:
Tag Titles: Omega and Page defend against the Acolytes
On to AEW, and they have a stacked card for the night as they hope to have a three-peat of victories!
Possibly kicking things off will be a battle for the Tag Team gold, and I have some bad news both for the Acolytes and Sami Zayn: this is about to be a very bad day for you guys!
I think it is too early at this point for Omega and Page to drop their titles, and it makes a ton of sense for the Harlem Turtles to play spoiler for the Acolytes. This outcome will most certainly poison the well for the business relationship between the Acolytes and Sami, leading to the beginning of a chaotic night for him!
Gunther debuts against Malakai Black
I need to enjoy this fantastic bag of ‘Member-Berries for a sec (ok, they’re grapes, fuck you!) as I reminisce about days of old: do you ‘member when Malakai was “Aleister” and everyone thought his future was the brightest? I ‘member!!
Oh yeah…that’s right, reality – and an erratic schedule – happened. Now, Malakai is about to become Mala-no-nips after the Ring General commands this match and obliterates all of Makalai…Alley Way…wait, need more berries…(*GULP*, *internally exclaims in the name of our better lord* “I ‘MEMBER!!”) Malakai’s dreams!
The ONLY way that Gunther loses this match is if Swerve risks his life and the future chest pains of his descendants by interfering. Remember…er, ‘Member, Mack Truck coming through!!
Rousey v. Sasha (Shot at Knockout’s Title at Retribution)
I smell a triple threat! Yes, I absolutely do, and I believe it is absolutely the right thing to do!
While I will be pleasantly surprised if Rousey wins this outright or if Sasha wins with shenanigans, I can’t see any realistic possibility for AEW to finish their season without this potentially epic triple threat.
Rousey is back on fire and Sasha is looking to cash in on what remains of her relevance, but both are great challengers for the emerging goddess that is the EST of all wrestling!
It took some hard work, but I think that the Knockout’s Division has finally moved on from being Athena-centered (who we haven’t seen in FAR too long, but I digress). It’s a really great thing too for EVERYONE in the division, including Athena Star.
Looking forward to this encounter, but mark my words: TRIPLE THREAT!! In case you forget, I have some berries left. Just sayin’!
MJF is in the House!!!
One thing I certainly won’t need any berries or blue pills for is the arrival of the new God of Professional Wrestling, MJF!
I don’t know what his appearance will entail (except a possible response to Roman and a scolding of his bodyguards), but I don’t need a reason, because MJF on my TV is ALWAYS a good time!!
Well…that disease is acting up again. Damn.
Investigation Wrap: Benny Mouse’s Fate
Finally, AEW will conclude with the moment we have all been waiting for: the Board of Directors and their final decision for his fate.
I am not going to lie. I have a VERY bad feeling about this. While the Board is poised to hand over their decision, we have yet to see or hear of the most horrid twist that Benny and Sami could conceive. I predict that this horrid action will somehow impede the announcement. Bloodbath? Hostage Crisis? Slauthering of Goats? THEFT OF MY ‘MEMBER BERRIES???!!! NOOOOO!!! HOW WILL I ‘MEMBER????!!!!!
Regardless of whatever it is that he is pondering (better leave my fucking berries alone, though, because drugs and good ‘membering don’t go hand in hand), I do believe rather solidly that Benny will leave Dynamite just as he came in: in charge.
PWI/HCW:
Commissioner Blaster (MDC) challenges Chairman Mouse?!
From the depravity of my youngest brother to the danger posed to my paranoid eldest, we now take a peak into the planned show for Global Conflict IV: No Mercy!
After recently and explicitly entering into an agreement with Ted Dibiase, Blaster has convinced himself to step into the ring for the first time in many years so as to confront his greatest foe: Mickey Marcus Mouse Junior.
I don’t need to lay out the history between these two and how much they detest one another. Blaster was the champion that Mickey never wanted, but yet whom the people demanded and received through his and their persistence.
Blaster later impregnated Mickey’s only child, crossing a bridge which drove my brother further into madness.
Now, years later, convinced that his own daughter is in danger under the influence of her insane grandfather, Blaster has come to the conclusion that he must save her by doing “what must be done” to bring Mickey to a permanent end.
The question here is whether Mickey will answer the call and face Blaster in the ring for the first time in over two decades. Does he have it in him to take on his biggest adversary? Or will he chicken out?
This blockbuster of a surprise opening potential showdown is a bigger way to kick off the show than any of us could’ve imagined! Tune in to see it all go down!
Tag Titles: Young Bucks (PWI) defend against Neck-Breakers (HCW) and Hell’s Fury (PWI)
Next, we see The Young Bucks entering their Tag Title match inexplicably still representing PWI, especially when the UWA option is RIGHT THERE!!
Here, they take on Alexa’s resurrected demons, Hell’s Fury and the crazed duo of Hans Gustav and Mr. Kennedy.
Last week, Soultaker and Keeper returned from the bowels of hell to steal a shot at the gold, and it served as a clear sign of Alexa’s growing power.
Meanwhile, Mr. Kennedy dumped Mr. Perfect in favor of Hans Gustav to complete his training and seize the moment to once again pursue Tag Gold!
This may be Nick and Matt’s toughest challenge to date, and I am eager to see how it all goes down!
HCW Extreme Title: Jesse Hash (MDC) defends against R-Truth (HCW) and LA Knight (HCW)
Two weeks ago, Jesse Hash broke the hearts of millions by betraying all of his friends and fans and joining the Million Dollar Corporation en route to his first championship in eons!
After his dismissal of Granddaddy Duxen on Mayhem last week, Hash’s plummet to the dark side has seemingly become complete as he looks to retain against R-Truth and LA Knight tonight.
Speaking of the challengers, let’s first look at R-Truth. After starting his tenure in PWI and HCW kind of slow, the man has quickly become a fan favorite…even if he is ALWAYS confused about everything!
Then, we have LA Knight, who capped an awesome episode of Mayhem by surviving the 20-man Melee to earn a shot at the Undisputed Title next week on the same show. But before he can get there, Mr. Knight must first attempt to reclaim the title that he lost to the Crock.
This one is going to be quite awesome!
Women’s Title: Alexa Bliss (PWI) defends against Molly Holly (UWA)
The Women’s Champion has been imbued with powers beyond our comprehension, and which have given her influence far exceeding her wildest fantasies just a short year ago preceding her falling victim to the Fiend.
I have no doubt that Bray Wyatt truly regrets his decision to bring her into his realm, but now that he has, we are all living with the consequences, and there is no group that has been more victimized than the Women’s Division.
Granted, Jade Cargill threw a giant monkey wrench into Alexa’s master plan last week by paving the way for Charlotte to steal the Women’s International Championship out from under her, but that is only going to further fan the flame within the possessed champion.
Of course, we shouldn’t even begin to think of overlooking Alexa’s challenger, the talented former celebrated Women’s Champion, Molly Holly. Molly led the locker room this past week by becoming the first superstar to overtly declare herself as a representative of the UWA, and I am hearing rumblings of many more looking to follow suit.
This will be no piece of cake for Molly, but neither will Alexa have an easy go at the legend. Molly has always prevailed when people ignore her as a threat, and she could be the biggest wildcard of the night!
MAIN EVENT – Undisputed Title: Dragonfly (HCW) defends against Ted Dibiase Jr. (MDC)
Now, we look to the Main Event! Heading into this encounter, Dragonfly has been champion for a mind-blowing 589 days. No one in the history of this company has held a world title longer, and only Granddaddy Duxen was a world champion longer anywhere else. Dispense, for a second, with any consideration for the warring parties here. The big deal is the history made by Dragonfly and which continues to be made each and every day.
Should Dragonfly retain, he will at least be champion for 596 days as he would defend against LA Knight next week on Mayhem. Then, barring some unforeseen circumstance, he would exceed 600 days before his next defense after that. No matter what happens, though, there is simply no denying the fact that Dragonfly is unquestionably the GOAT, and I mean that.
His challenger, Ted Dibiase Jr. is a man whom was little more than a borderline comedy act forced to tag with and endure the journey of the confused Cody Rhodes who battled internally at the time with his own alter-ego, Stardust. In fact, the last major development we saw with Ted Jr. was pertinent to this.
Then, Ted Dibiase Sr. made some moves to influence the trade which brought his son to PWI/HCW as his latest addition to the Million Dollar Corporation. Dibiase Jr., though, is more than just a man with his father’s name. The former Legacy member under the tutelage of Randy Orton in the O.G. EWA is steadfast in his determination to rise high above the expectations set for him.
While Dragonfly exudes enough confidence to power the Sun, Ted Jr. counters that with his own brave self-certitude. In the shadow of the man who I confidently call the one true GOAT of the industry, Ted Jr. has his work cut out for him.
A recent comment from an unnamed expert with whom I spoke a few days ago underlined that Ted Jr. is practically insulated from getting hurt no matter the outcome in tonight’s Main Event. If he loses, Ted Jr. still has the claim to rising so quickly from obscurity to believable world title contender, and if he wins…well, do I really need to state the significance of that?
So, in closing for this epic installment of “Wrestling with Lenny”, I urge you to buckle your seatbelts, ready your preferred tool for climactic release, and don’t forget your personal bag of ‘Member Berries, because this week is going to be one for the ages and one we will surely not soon forget!!
That does it for me this morning, I will return in a few days for my next snap review and predictions preceding Backlash!!
World Of Wrestling: Murrey Universe 