Let me tell you how my Sunday went before I offer my thoughts on this week to come. I woke up at 9am, bright and early, as per usual. Turned on some Winger to get me in the mood for the day. I realize that I may have an easier life than most, but it’s still a grind getting myself through this routine every day; especially with a broken heart.
11am rolls around and I turn on the local church program. Nothing like the love of Jesus to get my heart pumping! Lady living next door calls the cops on me – a biweekly routine – claiming that my church music is “too loud”.
Cops pull me aside, say that they are tired of these calls and demand that I take the concert speakers off the side of my house and tell me that no one wants to hear when I accidentally forget to disconnect the Bluetooth from my computer when I am watching the Hub. Neighbors join in and call for the 11th emergency block meeting this year. You know, the usual shit that all Americans endure.
Anyways, I’m sitting there on my couch in my Spider-man undies playing GTA when I get the alert on my phone: “Chris Hyatte Presents: The Superstar Series”. I think to myself: “Lenny, stop fucking them hookers in Vice City! Kick them out of your car, run them over to get your money back and save your progress so that you can read this already!”
So, I open this article and begin to read Hyatte’s interview with…Fucking Logan Paul…ugh. I suffer through about a quarter of the way until…I see it. The greatest day of my life becoming possible before my very eyes. Now, I know I should have been mad that Paul called me a child, but this 50ish child is more than happy to take up any offer to meet my favorite human ever!!
I immediately call Mickey – he is my boss after all -, and he is seemingly in the middle of something, because he yells at me for interrupting him. I tell him that this will be quick, for I am calling to request the biggest favor ever from him. His curiosity is piqued as I proceed to explain the background of what transpired, and when I get to the best part…he…laughs at me. I insist that my brother stop laughing at me at once, but he just bellows with his demonic cackle, mocking me with every ripple of soundwave. I am distraught as I beg him to let me appear on Dynamite as he tells me, and I tragically quote: “I don’t care if our mother is back from the dead and waiting for you there, you aren’t appearing on ANY other program when it is in competition with us!” I was shattered and screamed in agony over his refusal to grant me permission.
I try to bargain with Mickey, offering all of my life’s savings in exchange for giving me the go ahead. When he rejected that, I demanded to be released from my contract. He retorted that I would be released “over [Mickey’s] dead body!” Upon hanging up, I sobbed for a solid hour and penned a grand thank you note to Logan Paul, apologizing for the letters of the past – including one which may or may not have contained something that resembled flour but wasn’t -, sealed the envelope with my tears and sent it away.
Mickey called me back an hour and a half later to tell me that he had some good news that would cheer me up. I was so happy until I got Rick-Rolled. I hate my life.
So, as I lay here typing this article and staring at the blender pondering how much of myself I can fit in there, I just wanted you all to know that I had a beautiful dream crushed by an evil man for whom I am trapped working!!
WWE:
- The Rock and Big E Face Off and Sign a Contract
Don’t expect too many fireworks here, folks. The Rock will act tough and E will let Rock know that he isn’t playing around. It will be entertaining, sure, but this moment exists so that Big E can finally be seen as on the same level as the champion. He will get his 15 seconds and the Rock will talk down to him, but only a little so as to protect the next possible champion from leaving here with a flat tire (so to speak).
- Murrey and Axel Face to Face
Murrey is going to set his Misfit straight! Curtis has been avoiding Murrey for a while now – ever since he started hanging around with Murrey’s forgotten legends -, and good old Jeff is tired of it. Expect some kind of twist here, honestly, possibly Hook turning on Axel and putting him in his place, setting up for a showdown between them.
- Cross Locates a Beast
Ok, ok. Let’s get one thing perfectly clear here: Brock Lesnar is NOT the beast they keep talking about. If he is, it’s for maybe one or two events, but AEW would honestly be out of their fucking minds letting one of their biggest draws appear in competition with themselves. My money is on the Beast. You know, the Blue Hairy Guy? Just keep him away from small animals and children, because I fear he might eat a few.
AEW:
- Splinter Speaks
After Menotaur knocked Splinter into Dimension X and back last week, the other hairy guy is poised to try and speak about my brother’s issues one more time. I am going to go out on a limb and predict that Splinter will get a big chunk of the reveal out only to be hit with a wrecking ball courtesy of Miley Cyrus. He will return next week to reveal the rest, but he will pay a price as he will be melted by the Eye of Sauron.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT???!!! I’m pissed, OK!!
I hate when my emotions get the best of me. Sheesh!
- Athena Responds to the Dead Girl
MOVING ON, Athena will look to show us that she is still breathing after LDG appeared AS I PREDICTED to show her whose boss. I expect that we will get a match set for Dragon’s Urine, or whatever the fuck that show is called.
LDG will promptly accept and we will get some kind of stand off between them with Athena’s guards enjoying their grip and LDG’s guards pissing their pants.
- Omega & Page v. Samoan Connection
Omega and Page revealed that they want to pursue the tag gold, and Roman has dispatched his fat cousins to crush the potential challengers. I am very confident that Omega and Page will win this one, unless there is a subplot to sew the seeds of division between Omega and Page. Yokozuna won’t eat the pin, though. Sorry Umaga.
- Dealer’s Choice (Logan v. Styles)(??? v. Danielson)
If I had my choice, I would be spending each of these segments hanging out with the best wrestler on Earth, but since I can’t get that, I will be forced to watch this admittedly-cool concept play out. Bryan Danielson has chosen Logan Paul’s debut to be the match for the World Champion and we have yet to know who Styles will choose for Bryan.
I can absolutely see Logan pulling off an upset victory over Styles – probably with some help from MJF -, but he won’t be hurt by losing his first match when that match is against the top guy in the company. While Styles would look good with a win, I don’t think it is necessary, so I think Logan pulls off the upset.
As for Styles, I think that this is going to be an easy choice. Do you know which big name works for AEW but who hasn’t been seen yet? CM Punk. Yes, that’s right, I am predicting that Punk will debut and ruin Danielson’s dreams of doing better than Styles.
Now watch the bookers squirm because of how close I came. I am about to come again just thinking about it. 😉
PWI-HCW:
- Tournament Semifinal: Charlotte v. McCool
So, now we kick off the preview for PWI and HCW in the only televised show slated for the week: Global Conflict II! HCW leads the series with 4 wins, PWI and MDC (Million Dollar Corporation) are tied at 3 wins, each. Winning the night means that the victorious side gets to set the maximum number of participants for the Final Battle at Armageddon 4. So, this is a doubly-important show.
The broadcast will kick off with the Women’s Premier Tournament Semifinal Round opening between PWI’s Charlotte Flair and HCW’s Michelle McCool. Flair was just cleared a few hours ago to return to action after the scary attack by AJ Lee a few weeks ago and McCool heads into this bout riding a wave of momentum complete with upset victories.
Bear in mind that Slammu gave Michelle a special mission: win the tournament to become the first HCW Women’s Champion. Will she succeed or will Charlotte over her recent injury to catapult herself into the Fatal Four Way Finale?!
- Tag Titles: Young Bucks © v. Super Luchadores
The Young Bucks are set to defend their titles for the first time since capturing the gold at The Final Showcase against the always-impressive number one contenders: The Super Luchadores. Wilde and Mendoza have long desired the gold and they are absolutely tired of being seen only as the henchmen of Legado Del Fantasma. This is their chance to shine, but the Young Bucks are not a team to sleep on, as they have oftentimes been called the “greatest tag team of our generation”. Whether or not that is true is up for debate, but what isn’t debatable is the fact that this match will not be one to miss!
- Karrion Kross v. Slammu
In the final bout between them, Karrion Kross looks to put an end to the icon that is Slammu. Remember that Slammu once defeated Kross when they were feuding in their Ascendants days. That was a stellar match and I don’t expect any different here. Kross wants to prove himself against one of the GOATs and Slammu wants to show that he still has what it takes to win!
- Women’s Title: Becky © v. Maryse
Becky Lynch is now a two-time Women’s Champion and now she is faced with one of her most notable opponents to date: the extremely vain and very talented Maryse. Yes, Maryse is reeling from an upset loss to Michelle McCool just this past Monday, but she is not someone who lets one setback dictate her whole game plan. As for Becky, she is as focused as one can be. She is the most competitive women’s champion of all time, having clocked more title defenses in a single reign than any woman before her. Still, her confidence may have a weak spot: the unwanted adoration she receives from AJ Lee. Becky told Lee two weeks ago to stay away, and Lee has not taken it well. What role can we expect this to play in the mind of the champion, if any at all?
- MAIN EVENT – Undisputed Title: Dragonfly © v. Finn Balor
Finally, we have our Main Event! Heading into the Conflict today at 526 days as World Champion, Dragonfly already enjoys the third longest reign in history. He is the very definition of confidence personified. Yet, Dragonfly faces a new opponent tonight. Three weeks ago, Finn Balor entered the ring as “The Demon”, but that persona was obliterated by the returning “Fiend”. A week later, the myth of Bray’s influence on his victims came to life once more as Finn shocked everyone by defeating five of the best superstars in the world to earn this shot.
Regardless of the outcome tonight, Finn has already demonstrated that he is on a much better path than he was before. He has broken free of Mickey’s spell and is pursuing his own goals. Dragonfly has his work cut out for him, that’s for sure!
Now, before I close, I wanted to note something significant about last week. Actually, 3 interesting facts:
- It was the first time in history that three competing wrestling shows finished with a rating above 7.3
- HCW Monday Night Mayhem, in addition to finishing second ahead of Raw (something that PWI and HCW of done for 3 out of the last 5 meetings), was the HIGHEST rated HCW event of all time
- Wednesday Night War enjoyed its highest rating of all time!
Overall, I am pretty confident in saying that this was the highest rated week in wrestling history as all 5 broadcasts scored very well (not a single one under 7.29). Is there any reason to suspect that this week will be different?
That does it for me until this coming weekend. The World Tour Report will be out before Global Conflict airs!
World Of Wrestling: Murrey Universe 