The Mop-Up (Week of Jan. 15, 2024)

As Sunday breaks way to another action-filled week in the world of professional wrestling, let’s take a look back at the week the was!

WWE Raw:

• WWE Raw kicked off with the introduction of a new broadcaster, the legendary Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler! Lawler left his legend’s contract with AEW behind for the opportunity to be showcased on WWE TV each week, and I can’t say that I blame him. Hulk Hogan appears to be the only wrestler from that generation who goes out of his way to avoid working for his paycheck, and in this new role the King is guaranteed to get more TV time than ever before.
• In what’s quickly become my new favorite character in the WWE, we quickly transition backstage with Doc Brown and Murrey’s Misfits. Brown administers his “magic elixir” to Ryback, and Hook and Axel watch with concern. Flex Fuller, who appeared last week dressed as the Ultimate Warrior (according to the official WWE narrative, though Lenny Mouse of the PWI disagrees), says it’s nothing to be worried about and all the “top guys” do it. Flex takes offense when Axel says he refuses to take drugs, and Hook informs the guys that Christopher Lloyd is not a real doctor. Good shit.
• Elias, with his new manager The Honkytonk Man (my people take offense to his name!) debuts, with an emphatic win over Kofi Kingston. It’s crazy that at one point, Kofi was a top-10 draft pick, and now he’s been relegated to jerking the curtain. Just goes to show how quickly things can change in this business!
• The Austin Theory, Candice LeRare, and Johnny Gargano drama continues, and a contract signing is underway for Theory and Gunther at the Rumble. WWE’s new COO, Miss Elizabeth, announces that Candace will face Asuka for the women’s title at the PPV. (My fellow pundits complained that WWE wasn’t utilizing their women’s division, and alas, now they’re in a marquee PPV match!) I agree with Lenny that I’m expecting a title change here, as I think Asuka was only given the belt to help legitimize it (as she’s the only woman to hold the women’s belts in all three major promotions.)
• Ryback defeats Greg “the Hammer” Valentine in a one-sided squash. Afterwards, Murrey’s Misfits engage in a beat down. Axel expresses hesitation at attacking Valentine, and Hook encourages him to man up and pull his weight. I know this faction is only two weeks old, but they’re already one of my favorite parts of the show.
• Damian and Dom approach Drew backstage, seeking the reformation of the Final Judgement. Drew says that is the past, like Dom and Damian. The segment ends with a QR code on screen. I quickly scan it and I’m directed to a GoFundMe page for William Zabka. I waste no time in donating $500 bucks to help save the legendary sensei.
• In the main event, Batista defeats the Rock and gains some momentum en route to his triple threat title match with Rock and Drew at the Rumble. That momentum doesn’t last long, as Drew emerges and hits both men with a Claymore. Dom and Priest watch on from the ramp, applauding Drew. Lenny Mouse recently criticized the WWE for having nothing for Drew to do after the Rumble, and again his criticisms were for not because it’s clear to me that Drew hasn’t quite gotten away from Priest and Dom just yet.

HCW Mayhem:

• We kick off the show with Aidan English, who is demanding an audience with Ted Brown. English says he’s the greatest superstar of this generation, and he deserves respect. English says he’s tired of being put through tables all the time, and wants to defect. Brown comes out and says he has himself a deal, if he’s able to defeat the Hulk. Of course, that’s never gonna happen, and Hulk squashes him in no time. Dexter Lumis attacks English after the match, and we’re fully committed to recreating the famous HCW stalking storyline between CM Punk and Edge.
• In the “official” opening contest, we get a competitive showing from two of HCW’s women’s stars, Shida and Penelope Ford. The division is still in its infancy, and I swear to God I’m gonna riot if we’re wasting all this screentime building a division that may or may not even exist after Armageddon 4 (not to be confused with the wrestler.)
• Backstage, the Misters, Mr. Perfect and Mr. Kennedy, meet with Shane McMahon. Shane is upset because they’ve weaseled their way into the tag team unification match between the men and the women’s division. The Misters are only involved in this so we can minimize the men beating up the women, although the match really shouldn’t exist in the first place.
• Ted Brown and Scott Nash meet backstage, and they promise more defections in the coming weeks. Ted says he has a plan, and there’s a lot of talent that doesn’t want their careers to come to a halt.
• Rhyno and Angel Garza are up next, and I notice for the first time in six months that they remixed the iconic theme for Rhyno. I don’t like it. I do like that Venom continues to begrudge HCW’s existence from the commentary table, though. (Ric Venom is all of us!) After the match, we get Pac defecting from the PWI to the HCW, which is fine and all, but if we’re gonna do the whole “defections” thing, maybe do it with a couple of main event players so the audience can get invested? I’ve got nothing against Pac, but he’s done all but nothing since being drafted, and why am I to care that a lower card guy has jumped to the lower card brand? MAKE IT MAKE SENSE!
• Backstage, the Hulk gets attacked by FRED! (See, that’s what I’m talking about, give me the guys who matter!) Unfortunately for us all, the Hulk and FRED storyline is played out, and we’re doomed to see these two feud for all of time because they both have green skin. That’s called racism, bro!
• In our main event, we get LA Knight and Karrion Kross continuing their feud over the Extreme Championship. When it looks as if Kross is about to win, we get the slowest run in of all time from Slammu! Seriously, it took him like two minutes to come to the ring, and Kross looked like an idiot just waiting for it to happen. I’m a Slammu fan, so outside of this little rant, I’m willing to let it go and see how this plays out.

WWE NXT:

• The show kicks off with Bobby Lashley and the Street Profits. Lashley says that unlike Ryback, he doesn’t need steroids, because “honesty always triumphs.” Lashley’s out here playing the part of the vitamins taking, prayer saying, American hero while speaking in riddles like the Ultimate Warrior. Hey, at least he has a character under Jeff Murrey!
• In the opening contest, Butch defeats Kushida.. Nothing offensive or groundbreaking here, just a good ol’ fashioned wrestling match to showcase what both men can do.
• Backstage, Gargano asks his “pro,” Austin Theory, what’s up with him and Candice. Theory says it’s nothing, and they just both like unicorns. (Which I’m pretty sure is a known symbol for swingers, don’t ask me how or why I know this.) Theory says they’re planning an epic sweater party, and Gargano should join them. Gargano declines the invitation to the orgy, and says he’s got his eyes on Theory.
• Gargano and Lexis King are up next, and as a correction to last week, King is NOT the NXT Champion *yet* – I got a little ahead of myself because King is my odds on favorite to win the Breakout Tournament. Theory comes out and causes the distraction, letting Gargano pick up a much needed singles victory.
• In Jeff Murrey’s office at the WWE Headquarters, Murrey says that we will see a surprise entry in the Royal Rumble! He also announced that next week, Butch and King will compete for the NXT Championship in the tournament finals! Murrey takes a moment to “praise” the PWI for their “creative storylines,” while saying his promotion is grounded in reality. The office members (who Murrey has forced to huddle around him and cheer at everything he says) burst into laughter, as the segment concludes.
• The show ends with a cinematic vignette highlighting the life and career of Johnny Lawrence. Again, no complaints, and #JohnnyLawrenceForWWEChampion.

PWI Wednesday Night War:

• It’s an evening of Premier Athlete tournament matches, and I swear, if there’s a future for these guys after Armageddon 4, I really could go the rest of my life without seeing them run another tournament. The stipulations are back, and we get a steel cage match with Attitude and Brandon Lee. This really should have been the main event, as two huge stars in a cage match for free on a show with no competition has no business in the opening contest. The match was great, though, and Attitude advances to quarter finals.
• Backstage, Ted DiBiase approaches Beer Money, Inc. and tells them that they’re on probation for losing the titles like a month ago. I liked this, and it was a nice continuation of last week with Dragonfly venting about how the Million Dollar Corporation has failed to live up to its promises to him. See, guys? It’s not that hard to write storylines with story beats each week!
• Backstage, Shotzi Blackheart and Nikki Cross argue about Alexa Bliss. Nikki doesn’t like Shotzi using Alexa’s name in vain. Cross attacks her after she suggests she’s in a cult.
• Petey Williams and Granddaddy Duxen are up next, and Williams scores a big win over the former EWA Champion. PWI is never gonna give up on making Williams a thing, and while I admit he can go in the ring, I’d love to see some character work from him since we’ve dedicated the past five years to him being on the outskirts of the main event. Is he a heel? Is he a face? NO ONE KNOWS! Duxen loses his second ever boxing tournament, and I’m pissed they threw this away on a random TV match.
• Backstage, we get an encounter between HBK and MetalHead. MetalHead says HBK isn’t a legend, and he’s not even the best wrestler in family. MetalHead is talking a ton of shit for a dude who has floundered for the better part of the last two eras. I’m always gonna be a MetalHead fan, though, even if the PWI has robbed him of his epic “King of Kings” themesong while otherwise presenting him as the same heel he’s always been. GIVE HIM BACK HIS MUSIC!
• The Ultimate Warrior is backstage with Lawrence Mason, and he explains his actions and challenges Randy Orton to a match to determine the number one contender for Dragonfly. I’m torn on this, because from a storyline standpoint, Orton and Dragonfly is the money match. But on the other hand, do you really have Warrior take a loss in his debut, killing his momentum after last week’s magic of appearing on two shows on the same night? Sometimes in wrestling the bookers write themselves into a corner, and this may be one of those times, as either outcome is going to hurt the momentum of the other man.
• In the main event, Charlotte Flair defeats Naomi in the women’s Premier Athlete tournament. Flair has her eyes set on Becky Lynch’s Women’s Championship, and the announcers note she doesn’t seem that interested in the International Title. (What’s the difference between international and world, we wonder?)

And that’s a wrap on this week’s shows! I’ll be back next week!