Pre-Fourth Era “BENNY’S BLOG” Posts (Copy-Pasted from old Benny Xanga Account)

About Me: I’m rich, I’m smart, and I’m attractive. What more could you ask for, really?

Monday, 12 May 2008

Coming off the hinges of the single largest event of all time, there’s a lot of buzz in the wrestling community. As the show went off the air, Mickey announced the reformation of the UWA, with subdivisions WWF and USWA. Yesterday, he went a step further and outlined his plan for his organization.

BWM. Inc has been flooded with phone calls and emails ever since, requesting that I issue a response to my brother’s announcement. About four months ago, I announced that coming this year, the Elite Wrestling Alliance would be formed and would showcase some of the best superstars that wrestling has to offer.

Mickey’s UWA will open up on July 4, 2008… In an effort to remain competitive and innovated, I’ll take this time to announce the EWA will have it’s first event Monday, July 7th… just three days after the reopening of the UWA!

Also, the EWA website is now up and running, I’ll be moving my blog over there from here on out…

http://www.freewebs.com/this-is-wrestling/index.htm
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Tuesday, 29 April 2008

· Money to be Made

My brother Mickey is a lot of things, including an excellent doctor of spin. He’s devoted an unconceivable amount of effort and money when it comes to hiring a team of writers and public relations personnel to twist and misconstrue my comments for his own personal gain. I ask my readers and members of the press to take this into consideration any time Mickey refers to me. Know that there’s little truth in his allegations, and consider his past when it comes to trusting him in the future.

That being said, I assure you, my claims of conceiving this spectacular PPV, “From Dusk ‘Til Dawn,” are 100% true. This is MY brain child, approved by the most powerful organization in wrestling today, the World of Wrestling (WOW). It was WOW that contacted Mickey, with my approval, knowing that having all the available talent involved would make this show even bigger.

But when it’s all said and done, I came up with this show, I named this show, I decided upon much of this show’s look and feel, including the tournament leading up to the Massacre Six main event (which I designed as well.) In addition, I continue to contribute to the success of this show by signing a battle royal that will allow even MORE stars to compete!

So, as yourself, as the PPV comes to a conclusion and you’re blown away by the biggest spectacle known to man, who should you be thanking? Regardless of the outcome of our match, Mickey will NOT be standing tall when it comes to the success of this event.

This PPV is expected to gross $10,000,000,000 internationally, which will make it the most successful PPV of all time… this does not include the gross from the gate, concessions, and merchandise. So, while Mickey’s only getting a fraction of what I’ll be getting from this event, I can take comfort in knowing that this event, everything about it, down to it’s epic build, will be worth the wait.

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Saturday, 26 April 2008

· More With Mickey

Once again, as expected, my brother has attempted to “debunk” the claims made on my blog. And once again, as expected, he’s failed. Let’s take a little trip down memory lane, Mickey, since you’re so adamant on doing so.

Mickey Mouse writes:

“Well, as many of you know, the coward that we all know as Benny is cheating in the ratings war on Fridays against me, I know he called up a bunch of Ethiopians to watch his show…how dare you Benny.. take advantage of people’s eating disorders to gain ratings!” – 4/18/04

“Ok, ok, I’ll hand it to you Benny, since moving to Fridays, you have moved all of your talent and skill to Chaos…

Only thing is, is it’s too bad that his talent and skills are that of mindless chickens in a bad pepsi commercial…to the big furnace with you…I WILL DEFEAT YOU !!!

(And Eric Bischoff)” – 4/24/04

“I tell you Benny, you never stop ripping me off…first you steal my First place spot, tricking those poor Ethiopians into watching that crap you call wrestling, then you rob me of my Second Place as well !!” – 5/1/04

“I must tell you Benny, I thought you couldn’t go any further in your pathetic journey to rob the minds of helpless poor people…I knew you had hit a new low with your Ethiopian scandal…but now those poor people in Jamaica…that’s right…Jamaica !!” 5/23/04

“Alright, it’s been about two weeks since I last addressed this ignorant promotion…now Benny, I know that in two nights, at your next Friday event, that you are going to poke fun at what happened to me this past Monday…but rest assured that although this pea-brain having Bunny Owns Fifty Percent of MY company, I will not be conquered…I WILL OVERCOME !!!

Benny, You lucked out on Monday with your second place ranking Monday Show…but d**nit I WILL NOT BE THIRD PLACE ON BOTH MONDAYS AND FRIDAYS…THE UWA WILL BE BACK ON TOP !!!” – 7/7/04

“Ok, so what, who cares if these guys have solidified a winning streak against me…who cares if Benny owns two Friday wrestling programs…it still doesn’t mean that he’s better than me…” – 8/1/04

So, what does it all mean???

It means that, for four whole months, I kicked Mickey’s ass in the ratings war. But then, in November 2004, I shocked the entire wrestling world and walked away from it all with no warning whatsoever. And when I did, what did Mickey do? He lost his desire to entertain the masses and watched as his own promotion self-destructed in scandal.

Mickey can say what he wants about me, but I let the facts do the talking. Those facts being that, for four whole months, I proved that I was better than Mickey and beat him so many times, even forcing him into third place during the LWF era.

No one has ever promoted a show the way I have, no one has achieved the levels of success that I’ve achieved. And notice, Mickey did not once attempt to debunk my claims of creating this event, that now he’s leaching off in order to get himself some exposure.

As for the Teo/.Attitude rumors, yes, there are some conflicts as of now. But, it’s no secret that they’ve been very unprofessional in the past, putting their own differences in the way of their business endeavors. I’m doing what I can, and as of now, they’re still being advertised for the show because I feel as if they’ll be there. If and when I find out otherwise, I’ll let everyone know…

And lastly… Mickey writes, “under-educated and easily entertained rednecks who lounge on their couches, crotch in one hand, beer in the other, in trailer parks nationwide” in reference to the fans of this sport.

The biggest demographic that the industry reaches is the 18-25 male demo, and it is in MY belief and the belief of marketing researchers nation-wide that these people are not the “rednecks” he refers to them as, but college students, working men, and other contributing members of society. So, Mickey, when you’re wondering WHY I out performed you with the UWF, remember, I KNOW and care about my audience.

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Thursday, 24 April 2008

· In Response to Mickey…

A little over 24 hours after the official date and the first poster for “From Dusk ‘Til Dawn” has been released, I’ve been forced to do something that normally, I refrain from doing. It’s no secret now, what with the press’s handling of this announcement, that my brother has went on another one of his infamous tirades, invoking my name in a derogatory manner in an effort to receive publicity.

This is nothing new for Mickey, as prior to this blog, I’ve mentioned him by name on my website under ten times. Mickey has mentioned my name nearly FORTY times! One has to wonder, what’s with this obsession? He constantly tries to write me off as someone that wants to achieve his success, but yet, he’s riding my coattails to get attention from the press?!?

Before now, I’ve merely mentioned Mickey in passing. Why? People don’t care to read about him! He drags the hits of my site DOWN when I mention him. Yet, I drive the hits of his site up. Who’s the successful one in this picture?

Moving on, Mickey also stated that I did nothing more than to reiterate what he’d announced in his Oct. 4 briefing of the press. However, he only announced the tournament, whereas I listed several superstars that’d be attending, Teo vs. Attitude, and the battle-of-the-egos between myself and he.

Before he has a chance to say that he broke the news on this first time ever match, I’d like to clarify that he was asked a question about it and merely dodged answering it! Mickey knew nothing of what the card looked like in October, because I’M RUNNING THIS SHOW!

That’s why an official poster was posted through MY site, not his, and credits ME, not him. The WOW asked that I include him in MY show to treat the fans to an all around wrestling experience. I accepted, and therefore he’s getting to take part in the dream that I’ve built. He’s no more important to the show than John Brown – which says a lot!

So, as we get closer to this historic PPV, I’m sure you can expect his attacks to get even more personal in an attempt to get his face back on a TV set or two so people will have a chance of remembering who he is!

-Benny Wade Mouse
BWM. Inc.
Stamford, CT 2008

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Wednesday, 23 April 2008

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Wednesday, 23 April 2008

· PRESS RELEASE: BENNY MOUSE’S ANNOUNCEMENT

Ladies and gentlemen, the moment is finally upon us. For well over a year, I, Benny Wade Mouse, have been collaborating with my brother Mickey (UWA founder) as well as John Brown (HCW founder) to put on the biggest spectacle the professional wrestling world has ever seen.

On Saturday, May 10, 2008, all the performers that revolutionized the industry will take part in a super card PPV, “From Dusk ‘Til Dawn.” This show is expected to last anywhere from 7-10 hours and will host over 100,000+ thousand live fans, in addition to millions of viewers throughout the world.

The UWF and UWA, in addition to the LWF, drew an estimated combined audience of over 18+ million viewers each week, in addition to the 3-5 million viewers John Brown’s HCW continues to draw. We’re expecting over 20+ million buys internationally for this PPV, making it the largest drawing PPV of all time!

All of your favorites, including “Master” Splinter, “The Almighty King Slammu,” Jesse “The Body” Ventura, Metal Head, Dragonfly, The Crock, Randy Orton, Jesse Hash and Miss Athena Starr, Triple H, Taz, Rhyno, The Undertaker, Hulk Hogan, FRED, and many more will compete to be crowned the King of Kings in a single-night tournament to determine the best of all time.

The tournament will be composed of six brackets, a UWF bracket, UWA bracket, HCW bracket, UWF tag team bracket, UWA tag team bracket, and a Legend’s bracket. The six men that win these brackets will go on to compete in a Massacre Six elimination match where one man will stand victorious!

In addition to this star-studded tournament, for the first time ever, Teo and Attitude will finally collide! Their rivalry dates back years to the very first Massacre Six match where their desire to be UWF champion destroyed one of the most successful tag teams this industry has ever seen.

And, for the first time ever, I, Benny Wade Mouse, will battle my brother Mickey Mouse in a no holds barred match up that will determine once and for all who the best promoter of all time truly is!

All this and so much more – don’t miss out on this historic PPV that will have the entire wrestling world BEGGING for more! Live, May 10, 2008. Tickets are sold-out, so the only way to experience this revolutionary concept is ordering it on PPV!!!

-Benny Wade Mouse
BWM Inc. 2008

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Wednesday, 30 January 2008

Reporter: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m standing outside of BWM Inc. where in just a few short moments; founder Benny Mouse will make a “mind shattering” announcement that will inevitably change entertainment forever. We’re now going LIVE to Benny Wade Mouse…

Benny: Thank you all for gathering here today for this press briefing. I appreciate everyone’s continued patience as my brother and I move towards a resolution as to when the WOW: From Dusk ‘Til Dawn PPV will air.

However, as big as that whole PPV is, I feel tonight’s announcement will be MUCH bigger. For over three years, wrestling fans have sat idly waiting for a revolution. Tonight, I will set the wheels in motion for such a revolution.

Because this year, I will return to the world of wrestling with a promotion that will include all of your favorite stars and will raise the bar, changing not only the standards of wrestling, but television in its entirety!

In 2008, come one, come all and join me in introducing the EWA: The Elite Wrestling Alliance! Thank you very much for your time, no questions.

Reporter: WOW! Benny Mouse has just announced the creation of an entirely new wrestling promotion! While Benny Mouse basks in his newfound publicity, one must only wonder how his older brother Mickey will react!!!

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Monday, 05 November 2007

The Fireside Chat

This week I promised to take some fan mail and comment on the infamous HBP scandal that rocked the wrestling world in the summer of 2003. As always, I am a man of my word, and wouldn’t dare to disappoint the millions of pathetic readers out there that check this site daily looking for updates. So, without further ado, I’ll share some letters with you all as well as my responses.

“Dear Benny, I recently watched the press conference that your brother held and he claimed that you were unable to make any stars of your own, and took lackey’s to the top of the UWF. He said you focused on established stars made in other promotions and a bunch of never-weres. What do you have to say about that?”

Oh my, that’s great. I didn’t actually watch Mickey’s press briefing, I figured gouging myself in the eyes with a spoon would be more entertaining/bearable. However, my publicist did tell me that he had some negative things to say about me and my workers from the UWF.

I was told his main argument focused around Metal Head, and how Metal Head’s career was in a slump until I pushed him to the moon. When Metal Head came to the UWF in 2002, me and my talented staff of writers and scouts saw his potential. We indeed realized that Metal Head was wasted potential, and that since the USWA didn’t know how to market him, we’d take a “mid-card” wrestler and turn him into the most profitable performer of the decade.

And we did. Metal Head made me and the UWF a LOT of money because we knew how to capitalize on him and his past feuds. First, all it took was a story, something that the fans could relate with. Woody II was our champion at the time, defeating the Giant Gonzales. Everyone anticipated a rematch between Woody and Metal Head (one that if my brother had known what he was doing, would have happened YEARS earlier) – but I had something more shocking in store.

I succeeded and STUNNED the wrestling world when Metal Head aided his nemesis Woody II and helped him keep his title. Nobody expected it. Everyone thought that I’d be impatient and jump the gun on the long awaited rematch, however, I held it off for MONTHS.

In January of 2003, the two finally got around to meeting once more. In a remarkable match for the UWF championship, Metal Head defeated Woody II once more and once again ended his career. Thus, a star was born. Lighting struck twice and the world took notice, Metal Head immediately became an overnight sensation and his drawing powers would be unrivaled for many months to come.

Mickey can say what he wants about Metal Head, but what he really MEANS is that he fucked up with one of the brightest, most talented wrestlers to ever step foot into the ring. I, on the other hand, took the shackles of MH’s feet and allowed him to entertain, and I eventually made him the most successful heel in the industry, even surpassing the heat Mickey could garner.

Mickey didn’t make Metal Head a star. I made Metal Head a star. And I KEPT him a star, something Mickey failed to do with Dragon Fly (who is often compared to MH.) That’s all I have to say about that.

“We’ve all been dying to know about the controversy surrounding the acquisition of HBP by the UWA – snatching Mr. Michaels right from under your nose. Please explain.”

Here’s the story… Mickey made a career of molding his performers after the performers that made up the competition. Blaster stole Austin’s gimmick, HBP stole HBK’s gimmick, Soultaker stole Undertaker’s gimmick, and so on and so on.

I always had a hard time respecting these thieving performers because they took someone else’s idea and presented it as their own. What’s worse is that the USWA had massive exposure and after a certain amount of time, these rip off characters became even more recognizable than the original stars!

So, on that, me and HBP never saw eye to eye. However, after the USWA closed down, I bought the NWA. However, I didn’t publicly make it known until after the ND closed down. I was using the NWA for a breeding ground for future superstars. HBP had one thing that I admired in a performer: experience. So, I sent him to the NWA to mentor some up and coming stars, all the while writing his paychecks.

HBP continuously begged me to bring him up to the main roster (the UWF) and showcase him on the big shows. I refused, because as I said, the only thing worth a cent about HBP is his experience. He’s not an engaging superstar (something that was later proved during his stint as UWA champion.)

So, HBP went behind my back and directly violated his contract. He and my brother reached a deal, Mickey offered HBP an unprecedented $20 million dollar contract and main event storylines while HBP had been making under a million a year working for me. So of course, HBP went where the money was.

Was it a wise investment on the part of my brother? I’d say no. HBP brought nothing but a ratings decline to the UWA, and showed a true example of a washed-up never-was. Mickey talks about how Metal Head was stale, take a freaking look at HBP. Metal Head was the most prominent heel in the business and lead the UWF franchise for years. HBP however, was old and tired and bitter, not to mention overpaid.

Am I upset about losing HBP to Mickey? Not at all. It made it even EASIER for me to defeat Mickey in the ratings war. Haha!

That’s all for this time, folks. Send in your questions and comments and as always, next time I will offer insight to the questions that trouble you.

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Monday, 29 October 2007

· Tales From the Turnbuckle

I know you’re tired of the same old bullshit that spews from the mouth of my (older, less attractive) brother, Mickey Mouse. This site was created to refute his lies as well as offer insight into a business that has from day one sworn secrecy of its inner workings. For years I entertained you with my promotion, the UWF. Now, as the months draw closer to the next stage of my career, I will provide an open, honest look at the world of professional wrestling.

Today I want to talk about an “angle” that ran through the UWF for over nine months. Wrestling is crazy in the sense that a lot of the scripted stuff you see on the air stems from real life twists and turns. Controversy creates ratings, and when there’s controversy, there’s cash. The workers in this industry let the cash talk for them, they lack morals and follow the money.

Sagana was employed by the “competition” when I started seeing his wife, Molly. After a few months of hot and heavy romance, she and I decided to make the relationship public. It was around this time when I hired her for the UWF. Shortly thereafter, she was pregnant.

These things really happened and were not part of the story I was hoping to tell. However, when Sagana started spouting off bullshit about my relationship with his wife, I saw a window of opportunity. Always looking for new and clever ways to defeat my brother in the ever-intense rating wars, Molly suggested that we turn our affair into an on-screen romance. I originally planned to keep her behind the scenes, helping me oversee my operations, but I recognize a good idea when I see one.

So, Molly and I started to appear together on television. We had planned to get married after I found out that she was pregnant – she thought it would be great if we got married live in front of a sold out crowd and front of millions around the world. Once again, I was for it, I was all for making a scene.

We brought in her father and had him fake his death on TV, adding even more drama to the already complicated situation. When he had his “heart attack” we used it to create even more controversy. All the while, Sagana was really pissed.

I allowed Molly to still visit with Sagana throughout our relationship, which I later found out was wrong. Shortly after Molly’s father’s death on TV, he really did have a heart attack and die. Hmmm… perhaps I’m a prophet? Nonetheless, the guy was a bastard… God rest his soul.

ANYWAYS, moving on. During the infamous “wedding” episode, Molly went into labor. Soon we had a beautiful, healthy baby girl – Megan Mouse. Rumors started circulating – people were speculating that Molly’s child was in fact not fathered by yours truly, but by her ex.

Once again, controversy is never a bad thing in this industry. Sagana’s contract with the UWA allowed him to work other bookings as long as they didn’t interfere with his primary commitments. To his credit, his disgusting love-triangle with the Big Show and Lady Love did a lot to rejuvenate his popularity.

So, my lawyers went to work and for a large fee, Sagana agreed to work a real shoot fight, something that is rare in our business. He and I really did battle for the custody of my daughter. After I won the match, Sagana was crushed because a paternity test concluded that he, not I, fathered Megan. However, a deal is a deal, and I did indeed win custody of the future heir to my throne.

We made a LOT of money from our real life escapades, something that in the end, myself, Molly, and Sagana are fortunate. Since the angle, I have had little contact with Sagana, despite the fact that I hired him shortly before the UWF closed down for good. Twice a month he is allowed a supervised visit with Megan, I am not as heartless as I may seem.

Anyways, that’s the scoop. Keep checking back. Next time we’re going to talk about the “HBP” controversy that led to dozens of lawsuits and the feeling of betrayal of many in the industry.

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EWA Blog (4th Era)

08.14.08

Hello everyone, Benny here, just stopping by to say that I had an awesome time in Beijing over the past couple of weeks. It was certainly an experience that I will cherish for the rest of my life. It’s a huge accomplishment for me to have had a part in the 2008 Olympic Games, and it has been both emotionally and financaly fulfilling.

The only part that really sucked about my stay in Beijing was that my wife Molly didn’t accompany me. So, for the weeks I spent there, I must admit I was rather lonely in my down time. I am really looking forward to our wedding ceremony at Sacrifice, as it finally gives us the chance to start all over again. I just know that things will be great this time around!

I thought I’d take this time to comment on my competitors taking shots about the EWA being on hiatus while I was out of the country. I say, go ahead, take your shots. But at the end of the day, I’m the one that’s raking in the money even when my show is not going head to head with their shows. So, while you’re saying whatever it is you have to say about the EWA’s absence, know that I am getting richer each time you guys attempt to squash me. Not bad for an alleged “paint chip eater,” eh?

Anyways, we’re going to undergo some changes in the EWA over the next few months as television prepares to go digital in February, we’re staying ahead of the game and we’re getting ready for the next generation of televised wrestling, so bear with us, as the changes are necessary and will be worth any temporary inconvenience.

So, with that said, here’s to the EWA getting business back as usual!

-BWM

07.04.08

Following next week’s Revolution, Benny’s Blog will be turned into a blog that allows superstars to comment as well! Stay tuned!

06.06.08

Big talk from the boys down south yesterday evening. Mickey’s accused me of insanity, saying I’m rushing into a war I’m bound to lose. Yet, in the same post, he’s retracting his statement on his Saturday show, cutting it down to three times a month instead of four.

Kind of makes you wonder who’s really the one shaking in their boots, doesn’t it? I’ve heard first hand that Mickey’s struggling to even complete story lines and book shows, whereas the EWA has a schedule set in stone and a team of writers that have been working since October of 2007.

We’ve had plenty of time to see what works and what doesn’t, whereas Mickey and the UWGAY have only had since From Dusk ‘Til Dawn (a PPV that I created and made the most successful event in history, mind you.) Mickey has urged me to be careful what I wish for, but honestly, I’m not afraid of him at all.

My sources tell me they are not even financially stable enough to afford the equipment needed to broadcast in HD yet, which is why they probably won’t launch any sooner. Perhaps Mickey’s well is drying up as I continue to become wealthier every day?

I could sit here all day and tell you why the UWA will be an epic failure, but I’m not the kind of mouse that believes in tooting my own horn. Just watch and I assure you, we’ll know within the first weeks how this ratings war will play out.

I’m going back to work, because that’s what I do. For the millions of visitors out there tracking this battle, sit back and enjoy, Mickey will surely continue to make an ass of himself.

-BWM

06.02.08

It’s been a while since I’ve written, so I thought I’d take a few minutes and update everyone on how things are going in the land of BWM Inc…

Things have most certainly been exciting, that’s for sure. My staff and I are working hard and preparing for our primetime launch on Monday, July 7th, with the first episode of Revolution. It’ll be going head to head with Raw, Massacre, and HCW’s show.

Wrestling fans certainly have a lot of brands to choose from, but none will compare to the sheer excitement and awesomeness that is the EWA. If you’re a fan of quality television, I recommend tuning into Revolution.

In other news, MMOUSE Enterprises promised a press conference this weekend, but as I’ve been informed, they disappointed. (This is something people should get use to when it comes to Mickey) I heard they announced some new signings, including Demolition and some other people I never heard of. Good luck with that. *Rolls eyes*

Anyways, work work work, you know how it is… no more time for play. Keep checking back and I’ll keep you guys updated.

-BWM

05.13.08

Today, Mickey launched the newly redesigned UWA website. Let me be the first to congratulate my brother on creating another lack-luster web page that does not satisfy the needs of the morons that will unfortunately subject themselves to what he calls a “product.”

There have been some concerns about Mickey’s newest method to defeat me in our quest for dominance over the wrestling world. People are afraid that his new “divide and conquer” approach with subdivisions WWE and USWA will give him an edge in the ratings. People are wondering what I plan on doing about his approach…

I will continue to provide quality entertainment with my weekly broadcast, Revolution, which will air Monday nights in direct competition with Massacre and Raw. I will also run monthly PPVs, with my first airing August 3, 2008 entitled “Bound For Glory.” At said PPV, the first EWA champion will be crowned in a competitive, innovated fashion.

So once again folks, as I continue to push the envelope and remain innovative, Mickey is stuck in the past attempting to rectify promotions that died for a reason. I promise that the EWA will be different from what you’ve come to expect from a repetitive industry. It is for this very reason that in the end, much like I was always destined to do so, I will prevail and be the Last. Mouse. Standing.

-BWM

05.12.08

Coming off the hinges of the single largest event of all time, there’s a lot of buzz in the wrestling community. As the show went off the air, Mickey announced the reformation of the UWA, with subdivisions WWF and USWA. Yesterday, he went a step further and outlined his plan for his organization.

BWM. Inc has been flooded with phone calls and emails ever since, requesting that I issue a response to my brother’s announcement. About four months ago, I announced that coming this year, the Elite Wrestling Alliance would be formed and would showcase some of the best superstars that wrestling has to offer.

Mickey’s UWA will open up on July 4, 2008… In an effort to remain competitive and innovated, I’ll take this time to announce the EWA will have it’s first event Monday, July 7th… just three days after the reopening of the UWA!

04.29.08

04.26.08

04.28.08

EWA News Updates (4th Era)

The Elite Wrestling Alliance

…this IS professional wrestling…

Official Theme Song for No Boundaries IV

03.23.09

We’re proud to announce that Muse, the band that provided the From Dusk ‘Til Dawn theme song, has partnered with the EWA and will present the official theme song for No Boundaries IV! The single is entitled “Take A Bow” and the lyrics are listed below!

“Take A Bow”
Corrupt
You’re corrupt
Bring corruption to all that you touch
Hold
You behold
And beholden for all that you’ve done
And spin
Cast a spell
Cast a spell on the country you run
And risk
You will risk
You will risk all their lives and their souls
And burn
You will burn
You will burn in hell, yeah you’ll burn in hell
You’ll burn in hell
Yeah you’ll burn in hell
For your sins
And our freedom’s consuming itself
What we’ve become
It’s contrary to what we want
Take a bow
Death
You bring death, and destruction to all that you touch
Pay
You must pay
You must pay for your crimes against the earth
Yeah hex
Feed the hex
Feed the hex on the country you love
Now beg
You will beg
You will beg for their lives and their souls
Now burn
You will burn
You will burn in hell, yeah you’ll burn in hell
You’ll burn in hell
Yeah you’ll burn in hell
You’ll burn in hell
Yeah you’ll burn in hell
For your sins

In addition, we have learned that the secondary theme song for the PPV extravaganza will be “Take Me to the Riot” performed by Stars, which is conveniently befitting to an event of this magnitude.

As always, stay tuned to EWA.com for all things wrestling related!

Exclusive EWA.com Interview with Splinter

3.22.09

In Chris Hyatte’s new interview series, things heat up when Hyatte presents a three-part career retrospective interview with the legendary and controversial Master Splinter.

In part one, read about Splinter’s thoughts on former co-workers Jesse Ventura, Arn Anderson, Jeff Murrey, and Krusader Batman. Read about Splinter’s difficult decision to jump to ECW and so much more.

In part two, Splinter talks about his relationship with Slammu, his tenure in the USWA, his relationship with Benny Mouse, and so much more.

In the final part of this series, read about Splinter’s thoughts on how he hopes his career will be remembered when he finally hangs up the boots and retires.

Go to the forum > Interviews page in order to get the low down on this amazing career from a bird’s eye view!

EWA Chairman Benny Mouse interview

3.20.09

Recently, Chris Hyatte of EWA.com had the chance for a one-on-one sit down interview with the chairman of the EWA and of BWM Inc., Benny Mouse. You can’t miss this candid interview where Benny dishes about No Bondaries, the competition, and so much more!

Follow this link for the interview.

Revolution Returns

3.17.09

Last night, Revolution returned to officially kick off the road to No Boundaries IV. It was a night full of action that saw AJ Styles and Ken Shamrock battle it out in a wonderful technical showcase, Sean Olsen squeak by the legendary Bret Hart, and The Ladies Man recapture the X-Division championship after Christian cost Splinter the match. That, in conjunction with the spectacle that was the attempted wedding between Kevina Love and Sonjay Dutt led to another victory for the EWA.

Overnight national numbers show that despite the recent roll of our competitor, the UWA,

Welcome to the new ewa.com

02.03.09

The Elite Wrestling Alliance always strives to be competitive and innovative. This is not just a business philosophy, it’s our way of life! Now, we have broadened this philosophy and taken it from the ring to the internet!

EWA.com Version 3.0 combines the best features of yesterday with the best features of tomorrow, bringing you a sleek, accessible, and revolutionary website!

Please, take your time and navigate through our new features, including quicklinks to the most recent videos posted on EWA.com! Thanks for visiting and we hope to see you again real soon!

Breaking News: HCW Star Appears on Revolution

02.02.09

On tonight’s installment of Revolution, a former HCW star made his debut during the Miz’s new talk show, the Dirt Sheet. This star outlined his intentions for the land of the Elite and even competed in a match!

If you missed it, be sure to check out EWA Revolution, accessible for your convenience on the new EWA.com!

…wrestling redefined…

EWA Competition Reviews (4th Era)

The 3 R’s of Wrestling

The 3 R’s of Wrestling

UWA’s The Asylum (3.30.09)

RIGHT
Murrey/McMahon: Although their in-ring mic work left a lot to be desired, one cannot deny that it was truly a bone-chilling experience to see these two promotional administrators working together under Catherine’s new decree of “unity.”

Lenny = Michael Buffer: I laughed a lot harder than what I should have after hearing Lenny’s horrible impression of Michael Buffer. “BABAY, PAAASSS THE SAALLT!” God, that was so bad it was good!

Molly Holly/E-Crew: CAN I GET UP IN THAT SHIT OR WHAT!? That was fucking classic. And a nice unintentional pun, as well, given the context of that sentence. I’d like to see Murrey follow up on E-Dawg and it build into a feud, but I feel like Murrey’s suddenly going to drop the issue. Either way, E asking if he could get drunk off of Molly’s lovely lady lumps was priceless, even if the interview did nothing to sell the upcoming match. Good times from the man I believe will be the interviewer of the year for 2009.

The Women: Although this was one of the weakest matches from the women’s division in recent memory, Molly and Torrie still managed to upstage the two matches preceding them. Even the best are allowed an off night, and even when they’re off, they’re till amongst the most entertaining.

Bam Bam: What a debut for the impressive looking Bam Bam Bigelow, male jigalo. His music makes me want to kill myself, but that man is most certainly a beast and could end up being a force to be reckoned with!

Sunfire/Dragonfly: FUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK YEEEEEAAAAHHHH! This is fucking incredible! I can’t wait! The Fourth Oblivion has now, with the addition of this one match, has become a MUST FUCKING SEE! JOYGASM OVERLOAD! Excuse me; I have to find a towel to clean off my keyboard! But holy fucking shit, this is the rightest right I’ve ever righted! WOOOOOOO!!!!

WRONG
DDP vs. Stamboli: I get it. Stamboli is suddenly unbeatable. Fine, that works for me. Whatever. But what doesn’t work for me is this whole thing with Justin Credible and Perfect, distracting DDP when the UWA SHOULD be grooming this guy as the man who finally takes the Immunity championship, a title rendered practically worthless, by the lengthy and unsatisfying reign of Kevin Nash.

Slammu: No touch on the whole Splinter situation? Besides the crowd’s reaction, you’d have a hard time remembering that these two have a match coming up at From Dusk ‘Til Dawn 2. Just saying…

Krusader/Jericho: This match was awesome, that was, until it ended way too abruptly. I was really looking forward to these two getting more time, and since they didn’t, I was left unsatisfied. Oh, and “somebody’s going to be terminated” was the dumbest fucking thing Krusader has ever said, for what it’s worth.

RIDICULOUS
“The New Era”: Not that I do not believe that this is the dawning of a new era for the Undisputed Wrestling Alliance, but it seems like following every single PPV or loss from the UWA, the announcers hype up a new era in the UWA. So unless this “New Era” actually produces a new feel, this reporter is just a little sick of the constant declarations of this promotion and how every day they’re turning over a new leaf.

Undertaker vs Rude: This match was fine, I suppose, in terms of a technical standpoint, but we’re less than a month away from the UWA’s biggest show of the whole year, and we’re subjected to an entire segment, that, excuse me if I’m wrong, does nothing in the way of building towards a match for said PPV. From this point on, EVERYTHING should be about the Fourth Oblivion, because now is the time for the hard-sell approach to ensure that this PPV feels as big as it should be.

Demolition/Million Dollar Corporation: Well that was disappointing. I was hoping the newest member would be someone cool. I hope this group doesn’t get much bigger, as it’s already getting a little out of control! And at what expense does this loss come for the Rock? Losing to the spandex-twins can’t really help his momentum for the build-up for the big PPV.

HCW’s Monday Night Mayhem

RIGHT
The Return of Stoner’s Lounge: About fucking time! Jesus, where the hell have these guys been for the past four months?!? I’m glad that Johnny is out of his coma, but it’s unfortunate that they keep missing their flights. I suppose that is what happens when you live the gimmick, haha. Wait, now he’s BACK in the coma? HAHAHA! Jesse Hack? That’s original, coming from the guy that stole his gimmick.

Jeff Gets Knocked the FUCK Out!: I hate that prick, Jeff E. He’s always tried to imitate me, and he’s always failed miserably. That’s why he no longer regularly provides the Internet with wrestling commentary, and he’s resorted to announcing. I laughed my ass off when those stairs turned his lights off. BWA HA HA!

Khali: He looked pretty ‘effing awesome out there tonight. I’m really excited to see where the HCW takes this new-found giant from India. Awesome showcase with Tajiri and a freaking sweet match. Good times, my nig.

Anthony: Anthony continues to take it a step further each time he gets on the camera. From talking about his “big black cock” and continuing to push for a six man match that will showcase all of the interviewers from the world of wrestling at FDTD2, this guy continues to impress me.

CM Punk/Rey: I like how although this feud has been going on forever, the whole Edge/CM Punk thing is still just as entertaining as ever. Add that to a good bout between two up and coming superstars, and the addition of the match for Hell’s Forecast, this is an all around recipe for success.

WRONG
Rodriguez/Palumbo: Well, this match was a drag. I think we lost a lot of momentum by going right into Stoner’s Lounge, instead of having the normal hyped up entrance. I just wasn’t feeling this match, and I was disappointed that this served no purpose leading into Hell’s Forecast, which is just around the river bend.

RIDICULOUS
Thomas/DTM3: I was pumped when I first heard that Tres would make his first appearance in God knows how long, but I found myself heavily disappointed by his awkward and unfunny, criminally long interview with Thomas. Thomas seems to have lost his edge, calming down so much that he makes Lawrence Mason look edgy. Just sayin’, I want THE Thomas back, not this watered-down version of the once funny steroid abusing midget.

Overall, not a bad week for wrestling, and I expect everything to pick up as we head full force towards Hell’s Forecast and the Fourth Oblivion.

-Hyatte

News, Scuttlebutt, and rumors

03.21.09

Chris Hyatte here, the hardest working journalist on the Internet, to dish a few opinions on the recent going-ons of the competition. First and foremost, I’d like to apologize for the lack of columns over the past month, it’s been a hectic time in Hyatte-land.

I don’t have the time for the 3R’s this week, but I am able to give a few comments on the competition.

So, the HCW is leading towards Hell’s Forecast, and they’re off to a nice start. We’ve got the huge main event between Rhyno and Scott Nash, a rematch between the Hardys, a special challenge for Bane, and their Aerial Assault match between Che and Petey Williams to look forward to.

From top to bottom, this may be their most solid card yet! This doesn’t change much in the way of their recent losses, however, as they were unable to defeat Massacre 6 last month, and have been losing rather consistently to the UWA.

Although I believe that their product is improving, I did make the prediction a couple of months ago that their “shock and aw” styling would eventually work to their detriment.

I mean, each week, it’s the same senseless violence from their performers. How many times can you see a guy break through a table before it stops impressing you? I think I’m to that point, personally.

I think that if the HCW wants a repeat of their epic year in 2008, they’re going to have to save the violence as a special attraction and start getting in-depth with the psychology in their matches.

Take UWA’s Rock vs. DiBiase match from last week – it was a perfect match in terms of psychology and they didn’t have to use the tables and the chairs to get the fans to car. We had the in-match storyline of Max McMahon’s allegiance and Ted working Rock with old-school submission moves. There was nothing flashy about that match, but it was better than the senseless spot-fests of the HCW because they had the crowd eating out of their hands. Two performers that really know how to get people to react, that’s all it takes for a good match.

Speaking of the UWA, they’ve been on a huge roll as of late, and I personally would like to credit it to the return of Miss Catherine. I’m a huge sucker for dominant women in the world of wrestling, which is why I love the cum-sponge known as Jane Mouse.

Catherine embodies a lot of Jane’s attributes, but she’s younger and more fierce. She really adds something special to their broadcast, and following her intervention with Blaster’s title win, it’s rumored that one wrestling analyst told the UWA “THAT’S WHAT YOU’VE BEEN MISSING!”

I don’t think that I could agree more!

Stay tuned, ladies and germs, because I’ll be back sooner rather than later with more commentary!

Bloodshot 2009 mop up

HCW BLOODSHOT MOP UP

SEGMENT ONE

First thing is first, I’d rather die a million deaths by anal raping than ever have to listen to that promotional song ever again. That was just absolutely horrendous and it literally made me wish my mother had had an abortion.

The set looks like somebody took a dump and molded it into an entrance way, but the sign is cool. Jeff runs down the card that “we should know very well by now.” Um, no, I don’t know it very well, because the HCW doesn’t know how to use their go-home show to hype and sell a PPV.

The new HCW championship is pretty cool, even cooler when you know that the UWA fought for the same belt design…

Predictions: Jeff and Matt have had a pretty lackluster feud thus far, but Jeff has been painted as the jealous underachiever. Matt’s been painted as the breakout star of the tag team. For those reasons, I’m predicting a Jeff victory.

Anthony proves to be lame as he points out the obvious, stating that Jeff and Matt are indeed brothers. Matt Hardy has a really cool theme song, but unfortunately those bastards cut it off after only a second or two as the match is underway.

The violence is already pretty brutal in the opening contest, kind of makes you wonder how they’re going to top it throughout the night. I foresee a lot of blood during this show. Jeff ascends to the top of the fence at ringside and picks up a victory with a hellacious senton bomb.

If there is one thing that should come out of this, it should be a major heel turn for Jeff Hardy, who has been teetering on the edge of heel and face for months now.

Hyatte’s Predictions: 1/1

SEGMENT TWO

Anthony is in the back with Stan Hart. STD wants to know why Anthony is always so calm with him; Anthony chooses now to act like he’s a professional. STD has got some of his swagger back, until Chavo comes and says the belt will look better with him. Copeland shows up as well, as this has all the makings of a really bad threesome. Yikes.

Sweet set up for the ladder match, with the ladders placed on opposite sides of the ring. This one should be pretty interesting, even though there’s only one superstar in this match.

Predictions: I hope with all my heart that STD retains, but if he doesn’t, I can live with Chavo walking out with the title. Just no Copeland, please. Thanks.

Copeland comes out to Benny Mouse’s music – imitation is the highest form of flattery, I suppose. After a grueling match, Chavo manages to capture the Lightheavweight Championship.

A nice little match up that left me wanting just a little more out of this feud, so I suppose it served its purpose.

Hyatte’s Predictions: 1/2

SEGMENT THREE

Anthony is in the back with Chavo. He wants to know how it feels, but suddenly Chavo has lost his Latino accent. Strange. STD comes and kicks him in the ass and this feud is bound to continue.

Now Anthony is with CM Punk. “You you you you you Blade, match.” Great skills, Anthony. He gets mad when Punk says he is going to win his match. Then Anthony starts wondering why interviews even exist in pro wrestling. Great, now Anthony is trying to get himself fired. I think I hear Spongebob in the background, and I’d much rather watch that.

Predictions: I am not a Blade fan at all, and want Punk to win. If Blade wins, it better have something to do with the return of Edge! That’s all I’ve got to say about that.

I just heard Jeff say something about Blade having sex with a porcupine. Freaking gross. This barbed wire is absolutely insane, might I add. Edge taunts CM Punk as Blade sends him flying through a table from the top of the set, the same thing that Jeff did in his match. I hate repetitiveness in matches, but then again, when all you do is violence, it gets hard to be innovative.

Hyatte’s Predictions: 1/3

SEGMENT FOUR

Nash is in the back with Hall and Hogan. The N.W.O is drawing incredible heel heat, but they kind of tease a split, which wouldn’t be right at this point. Ted Brown is over too, too bad the focus had nothing to do with N.W.O. and everything to do with Nash/Brown.

Anthony is going on his lunch break – HAHAHAHA! I love him sometimes, I swear.

Predictions: The N.W.O will retain tonight and continue to dominate the HCW.

Here come Test and Batista. They’re pretty cool, I guess. I don’t really like their music, but what’s a guy to do? Ya know? Yeah, you know. It’s weird that I actually don’t hate Hogan anymore, it’s amazing what being paired with the right people can do for a guy. Hall nails the Razor’s Edge to end a wonderfully competitive tag team title match. Very well done.

Hyatte’s Predictions: 2/4

SEGMENT FIVE

Anthony is in the back with Ted Brown. Brown starts to answer his question when Nash comes in and interrupts. The two get into a pre-match argument Nash spits in Brown’s face as the tension mounts.

Predictions: The New World Order is going to sweep things tonight, including a Nash victory, but it will be close.

Well, this is a nice high-energy match, I can dig it. Jeff sounds like he is going to have a heart attack, dude needs to chill the fuck out. They just called Brown “our hero.” Speak for yourself, fatty! GO NASH! WTF! Rhyno helps Nash! WTF! WTF! WTF! Well, wonder who’s winning the next match? Ha.

Hyatte’s Predictions: 3/5

SEGMENT SIX

Prediction: Rhyno is going to win this one. Yikes.

The tag champs are in the back watching a mirror. Find something better to do with your time! Nash and Rhyno walk in and it looks like the New World Order has a new leader. If and when Rhyno wins, it’s going to be stressful having Nash as the number one contender. STRESSFUL I SAY!

Rhyno just beats the hell out of Alpha and Omega. He’s went from being the number one good guy to the number one bad guy in a matter of moments, now that’s talent! At least people can boo him for being more than just a baby killer.

Rhyno vs. Sabu is off to a good start as Jeff continues to scream like a girl that just lost her first boyfriend. The atmosphere is just awesome since Rhyno’s heel turn. I just never thought I’d see the day. Good back and forth action until Rhyno finally takes the championship as we end with the N.W.O. standing with almost all the gold, close to destroying the very company that made them.

Hyatte’s Predictions: 4/6

Overall Thoughts:
The night started out a little rough, but it concluded with a bang. Good show with a nice twist at the end.

The 3 R’s of Wrestling – 2/9/09

HCW MONDAY MAYHEM

RIGHT:

Holly’s Gone Crazy: So, Hardcore Holly developed his bodyguard gimmick in 2003, and for the past five years he’s been through more men than Marilyn Monroe. He’s done the gimmick well, better than anyone in the past, but now he’s tackling a new twist to his character. He and Bull Brahma have something going on with Gangrel and Holly’s developing a dark side. I am digging this, and it could just lead to Holly breaking out and taking that next steps towards the main event scene, which I’d love.

Colossus/Bane: This match was everything it needed to be and more. Great back and forth action and in the end the bout went to the right man. Giving Bane such a huge win this early in his HCW tenure would have been a mistake, as it would have made EWA look superior. This way, the HCW homegrown talent looks good, and Bane’s image isn’t hurt. Good match and smart booking from a company that seems to never put much thought into this type of thing.

Anthony: Hearing him talk about his penis has never been that exciting, but when he compared it to Dragonfly, and then to Sunfire, and then called it “The Icon,” I found myself laughing so hard. A perfect little gem of comedy and a wonderful stab at the competition. Kudos, my friend!

WRONG:

Alpha & Omega: So, they’ve been gone a while, and then they pop up to defeat TNT, a team that has been so lame in this new era that it isn’t even fun to joke about. This match just tried way too hard to be epic when truly it was just filler. They tried to put some competition into the lousiest tag division in pro wrestling, but it just may be a little late for all of that.

Petey Williams: So, last week he’s jerking the curtain, and this week he’s wrestling in the double main event. I like the guy and he has a lot of talent, and I was happy to hear he had some music this time around, but so help me God HCW, if you push him down my throat I will RIOT!

RIDICULOUS:

Bloodshot: This event is RIGHT around the FUCKING corner and there was hardly any mention of it at all. Besides the main event, I couldn’t tell you the under card from memory, and that is NEVER a good sign. The casual wrestling fan that flips back and forth between the four Monday shows NEEDS to be sold on your product. You have to advertise for the PPV if you expect it to be a success. General rule of thumb for booking a wrestling show: 4-5 weeks of slow build, followed by the last week of one final, hard sell push in order to get the event over. Take note, HCW, because I am not excited for this PPV at ALL.

Scarecrow/Carlito: Given the main event? On the “go home” show before the PPV? What the fuck are these guys smoking? At one time HCW was unbeatable, but keep booking your shit like this, you’ll end up with just that – shit.

USWA MONDAY MASSACRE

RIGHT:

Sunfire: He was only on screen for a brief period of time, but it was honestly enough to progress his ongoing storyline with Dragonfly, as the tension slowly begins to mount (and hopefully leading to a HUGE match between the two at Oblivion.) It’s one of the few true dream matches out there, and the UWA would be unwise to withhold it for too long.

YMCA: Speaking of Sunfire, these are the men that will be the next tag team champions, mark my word. They defeat Demolition and they pushed their controversial gimmick just a little bit further this past week and it was just what they needed. They are two of the biggest breakout stars of the new era, whether you’d like to admit it or not.

Rare US Champion Appearance: I think this title is completely unnecessary and has been totally ignored by the USWA. That being said, if they’re going to insist on keeping it around, they finally did the right thing by showcasing the champion (whom I’m not a fan of, either). Hopefully they follow their own lead and do something with this incredibly weak division.

Lee/Undertaker: This is a story that has been going on for months, and it finally looks like we are going to get some closure in the upcoming weeks. When I was watching Lee go nuts, I couldn’t help but envision him with a world title in the near future. He’s always had the ability, but now he has developed the charisma of a world champion.

WRONG:

Deathmatch Championship: This belt just annoys the fuck out of me. I was digging Leo holding the gold and then suddenly the Masked Phucker came out of nowhere and took it back. That’s just not cool, man. Not cool at all!

McMahon/The Michaels: This was just an awkward segment and McMahon giving HBP a rematch if he and his RETURNING brother can win a tag match against the Rock/Keeper is just stupid. Of COURSE they’re gonna win, they are a tag team whereas the Rock and Keeper hate each other. Tsk Tsk.

RIDICULOUS:

Nothing: This show had a couple of things I would change, but overall it was booked really well and everything served its ultimate purpose of leading to something bigger. Good work.

WWF MONDAY NIGHT RAW

RIGHT:

Vinny/Ross: Their exchange concerning Ross’ eating habits may have been enough to make me bust a gut laughing. I said gut, not nut. Calm down their, Venom. Anyways, they are most certainly the best broadcast team in wrestling right now, and it’s always a pleasure to hear them interact.

Who Hit The 8-Ball?: 8 Ball no showed for his match against Blaster, giving the little black midget a much needed victory. But the bigger story is who attacked 8-Ball? The fact that I even care should tell you that this angle is already off to a good start!

E-Dawg: I just can’t say enough good things about this man and his recent transformation. He does this gimmick better and better each week. His exchange with Kevin Nash was hilariously awkward and even his exchange with Burke, although not as good as his others, was enough to keep me interested.

WRONG:

No Contest: I could live with 8-Ball not showing up, but when Krusader was found bloodied in the back and was unable to compete, I was just starting to get annoyed. I wonder if the two are related? If they were, then this is how it should have been done, but if the attacks were unrelated, then this was a definitive wrong!

RIDICULOUS:

Jake Roberts: OK, perhaps this isn’t fair of me, but I just absolutely hate this tool and everything about him. He’s old, he’s slow, and he’s just super lame. Everything about him sucks. We have people like Chris Jericho on the roster, not even getting a match or a push, when they’re much younger, more charismatic, and capable than the man that is being carried to decent matches by everyone else on the roster. I know that heels are supposed to be hated, but I hate Roberts for all the wrong reasons. I hate him because as a performer he’s just absolutely terrible, and that has nothing to do with him being a heel or face. In closing, get him the fuck off of my TV.

Love,

Chris Hyatte

The 3 R’s of Wrestling – 2/2/09

So, you all know me, Chris Hyatte, the number #1 wrestling columnist on the web. I’m famous for my Mop Ups of wrestling’s PPV broadcasts, and now I’m branching out to covering weekly events as well. This column will list what the Monday shows in competition do right, wrong, and ridiculously. Pretty simple concept; so just try to keep up!

MONDAY NIGHT RAW

RIGHT:
Vinnie Mouse: All around the most entertaining broadcaster currently calling a Monday night show. Outside of Kevin Kelly, he might in fact be the most entertaining announcer of all time. Even when the show is dragging, Mr. Mouse on commentary keeps things interesting. I give mad props to Vinnie for really stepping out of his shell and evolving as a character.

The Crock Show: Solid as always, and Crock’s monologue on vaginal secretion was both entertaining and informative. Retardo’s cage, or “play pen,” is a nice touch that just makes the show that much more entertaining. Some could argue that the Crock Show has officially “jumped the shark” in terms of quality, and whereas that may be true, the fact remains that he’s consistent and now is a staple of Monday nights. Crock gives the EWA a plug, making fun of a technical glitch from a few weeks ago, which he blames on Rhoades’ q-tip usage. Crock takes a shot at the Undisputed Champion, saying that Christian is not on his level. So, it looks like the UWA wants to set up a Crock/Christian program for From Dusk ‘Til Dawn – a moneymaker no doubt. Will it happen? Well, I suppose that just depends on what goes down over the next few months.

The Return of FRIED: FRED’s retarded half brother is back! What else needs to be said? NOTHING. That’s fuckin’ right!

Kevin Nash vs. Elijah Burke: This might have been the most motivated I’ve seen Burke since his initial debut. Over the summer I forewarned that Burke would be someone to keep an eye on, and tonight I felt justified with that prediction. Though Burke suffered a loss, he came out of this bout looking a lot stronger than he has from his pairing with Dreamer.

The Women: Taking a page right out of the EWA’s book, the UWA gets it right by giving these women a legitimate shot at proving their worthiness. And though I’m not sure about the constant jobbing of all the heels to Aerial, I am certainly looking forward to the return of Sanitarium because of this.

WRONG:
Blaster vs. Future Batman: Ok, hear me out on this one. The action pertaining to this match was nothing offensive, in fact, it was rather entertaining… for a washed up veteran like Blaster and a never-will-be like Future Batman, this was about the best they could have done. That being said, it’s just sad to watch Blaster, the man that carried the USWA to dominance, jerk the curtain on Monday Night Raw. I am sure that Blaster’s best days are most certainly behind him, but he could serve as a prop to elevating future talent, and no, that doesn’t mean Future Batman.

Business Man/Jericho: Who’s the heel and who’s the face? That’s my problem. I can never tell. Who am I supposed to care for in this match? If both men are heels, as a fan I’m compelled to cheer for no one, and if I’m not cheering, the quite frankly, I’m not caring. That coupled with the fact that Jericho’s jobbing to the inferior Business Man makes for a decisive “WRONG.”

RIDICULOUS:
Pacing: In the first two segments, we really didn’t get a chance to see much in the way of backstage segments, outside of Business Man looking at a few documents. It’s my belief that in order to maintain an audience’s attention, a show should jump back and forth to several backstage interviews and skits throughout the night. Matches alone are just not enough for today’s desensitized wrestling fan. Then, the Crock show lasts for 30 minutes and the next match is incredibly slow paced.

Krusader’s Entrance: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST has it ALWAYS taken him that long to get in the ring? His theme went on for almost as long as the Crock Show! HAVE MERCY!

MONDAY NIGHT MASSACRE

RIGHT:
Lee’s Gone Crazy: I am loving this feud between Lee and Undertaker. I don’t much care for Undertaker, but this feud has really allowed Brandon Lee a fair chance to shine and develop.

Lance Storm: This man is by no means a superstar and he is never going to be a main event player, but as a guy on the undercard, he truly shines in his current role. He has a lot of potential but the UWA is doing the right thing by not pushing him down our throats. He’s the type of wrestler that either the fans will eventually elevate or they’ll let him settle in his current role. Only time will tell, but he was hilarious tonight.

Leo Shines: Leo finally captures a title in the UWA, proving that like his mentor Splinter, he is a clutch player. I am glad that he is finally getting his one last run in the spotlight, even if it’s only with a mediocre mid-card title.

Tension Amongst the Icons: This is what I’m talking about! Sunfire vs. Dragonfly at the Fourth Oblivion. BOOK IT. NOW! This is going to be so fucking awesome. *marks out like a schoolgirl who just got her first period*

Jesse/Ted: Awkward! But I was wondering when this story was going to pick up again, you know, since Ted STOLE Jesse’s manager and Jesse STOLE Ted’s belt. Plus, this gives Max Steele something to do, proving that EVERYONE has a price!

WRONG:
Skinhead: Why is this man picking on Lawrence Mason? I mean, sure he’s the worst interviewer in terms of entertainment, but he is a NICE man and he’s a legendary figure in professional wrestling. I was not pleased with this!

The Return of FRED: Everyone knows that I am a HUGE fan of the big green machine, but I was very disappointed with FRED’s return. It was highly anticipated and it was wasted in the middle of the show. I placed it in the “wrong” solely because of its placement on the show.

The Rock d. Slammu: This is only wrong because it wasn’t for the championship. I mean, making it a non-title match made it seem like Rock had a reason to lose. If he was booked to win in the first place, they should have made it a title match, which would add to his credibility as the world champion. Meh, it was an awesome match, I’m just being nitpicky I suppose.

RIDICULOUS:
Rude Rapes Kelly Kelly: Well, not literally, but the whole exchange in the back leading to the exchange in the ring was all sort of ridiculous. Steve Austin comes to Kelly’s aide, like a bald headed shining knight. This fades us from the back segment to the actual match, and it all just happened a little too fast for me. We go months without knowing much about Rude only to find out he’s a rapist. Great.

The Icon’s Music: This is what bothers me most about this tag team. I miss Dragonfy’s music and their tag music is simply ridiculous. Change it back. Now!

MONDAY NIGHT MAYHEM

RIGHT:
Bane vs. Tiny: All of the other issues aside, including the lack of music and Bane’s interview segment, I can say that THIS is how Bane should be utilized. He looked absolutely terrifying in the ring here tonight, which is how he SHOULD look. Good work, HCW.

Anthony/Rodriguez: Anthony flipping out when Rodriguez called him “essay” was hilarious. “Do I look like a smooth anus to you? I am NOT a smooth anus!” Computer lingo, FTW! BRB! I love it!

Holly/Bull Brahma: So, these guys are attacked by Evil Taker last week and now they’re uniting together to attack Gangrel. Well, it doesn’t necessarily make sense to me, unless they’re working with – well, fuck, it still doesn’t make sense. Oh well, it was awesome to see Holly put into a post-Silverdust feud.

Sabu/Rhyno: I am actually looking forward to this main event, despite knowing that I’ll have to listen to Tom Banks imitate every other announcer that’s ever called a Rhyno match, screaming Gore at the top of his lungs. Either way, this has been done well and I’m looking forward to seeing how it plays out.

WRONG:
HCW is EWA: A mass influx of EWA superstars kind of makes me feel like I’m watching the EWA. Well, not really, since most of these guys were only seldom seen or never used. Oh well, still, way too many debuts for a show that is only two weeks away from a PPV. Why aren’t we building towards THAT?

Interviewing Bane: How many grunting monsters does the HCW actually need? I mean, seriously. I’m excited to see Bane in the HCW where he’ll undoubtedly do well, but having him talk with Anthony the fart-joke queen isn’t the best way to debut a superstar with Bane’s potential.

The Debut of Xpac: Again, this should have been done LAST week when Billy Gunn appeared. Reunite DX already and give the NWO a good run for their money. He’s never going to be a huge singles star, so why waste your time?

No Thomas: Too much Anthony makes for a dull TV show. Don’t wear out your welcome, Anthony. SHARE the spotlight!

RIDICULOUS:
Petey Williams: Only because the HCW has prided itself on the mistakes of the other organizations, I couldn’t go without pointing out how ridiculous it is to debut a new superstar without theme music. Seriously now, pop in a random CD or something; give him SOMETHING to come out to! Hell, use GBM’s theme if you’re that desperate!

Bane: Same goes as above, WHY OH WHY would you debut a new superstar without music? Is the HCW that strapped for cash? Jesus, call upon Benny for some help, after all, he IS a concerned investor. Fuck, this is pathetic!

Xpac: BWA HA HA HA HA BWA HA HA HA!!! This is just hilarious now. Get. These. People. Some. Fucking. MUSIC!

Rodriguez: Oh my GOD I have never laughed this fucking hard!

2009 Royal Rumble Mop Up

SEGMENT ONE

Tremendous opening video package kicks off the show. The Rumble is the one chance a year that I’m reminded that half of these jobbers still exist. I saw some of the photos and I was left pondering – who the fuck are half these guys? Oh well, guess it doesn’t matter.

No predictions tonight in the general sense of predictions, I’ll just let them be known as the event progresses. I’m behind and don’t feel like putting too much effort into this at all. They pay me the same no matter how good or how much it sucks, so why bother?

Buffer wants us to get ready to rumble and the lights begin to flash. Tremendous set as this PPV, despite the fact that it has little of interest based on the stories and card alone outside of the title match, somehow feels really important.

We’re kicking off with the woman’s championship. If Vinnie loses, I riot. No, no I won’t. I am predicting a Vinnie loss here tonight, as the UWA will look towards turning their woman’s division into something that mirrors the Knockout’s division.

Vinnie talks about tripping on his dick… he’s the only ladies wrestler with a dick outside of Lady Love. That’s something to be proud about, right? Ross hopes that Aerial’s skirt stays on. HOMO. Victoria! I’m routing for her tonight if we have to have a serious champion… all my, this is brutal to watch. Lenny calls Molly Holly a “he.” IS THERE SOMETHING I DON’T KNOW? SUCKER PUNCH, BITCH! T-BAG from hell! And the announcers are glorifying this horribly awkward situation. Vinnie is eliminated and now it gets serious. Molly’s out and Aerial is on fire! GO VICTORIA! Widow’s Peak interrupted by a MOUSE SLAM! Aerial covers and gets the win.

Not my choice to carry the division, but I suppose it does set up a nice title feud between Aerial, Vinnie, and Victoria. And the oldest saying in the book of wrestling is the money’s in the chase – so win Victoria does win, I’ll orgasm.

SEGMENT TWO

YMCA is in the back with Mason. Mason’s not going to pretend to be black. He doesn’t have to. BURN on Evil! The YMCA will only look fabulous with the tag titles. I agree. The Icon’s run has been fun, but the real money is in the split for Sunfire and Dragonfly.

Vinnie is taking his loss quite well as the YMCA prances around the ring. This is gonna be gay. I can’t WAIT until the Icons break up so I can have Dragonfly’s entrance back. Also, no one’s commented on how weird it is seeing Dragonfly as a face. I don’t think all the fans are buying it, but it’s interesting that after Metal Head’s face turn, Dragonfly follows down a similar path. Perhaps the heel persona only works for them when they’re actually winning championships?

Slave climbs over BRAD’s ass. Um, try a little harder to be convincingly straight, please. You’ll ruin your gimmick other wise! The Icons pull off a victory and I’m left disappointed.

SEGMENT THREE

Murrey and McMahon are having a lover’s quarrel in the background. They’re both getting anonymous letters and now they’re going to team up to find the culprit. There’s a big argument about whether or not Murrey thinks or knows if he’s gay. That naturally segways into a talk about closeted faggots and Murrey says he can find the culprit himself. Murrey tells him to grab a hold of him on Monday so they can see what they can work out.

This whole storyline makes no sense. JUST BUY A NEW FREAKING DESK! YMCA walks in and McMahon freaks the fuck out. He’s not very comfortable with his sexuality.

YO YO YO WHAT UP, SNAKE? Evil is flat out awesome and has truly developed quite a character. He’s the break out star of the new era! Makes you wonder why Bland Roberts can’t think up a decent gimmick. I am SO FUCKING SICK of this feud. Can we get some people under 90 in the main event picture, PUHLEASE?

Last Man Standing match… Hasn’t this already been done in the past couple of months? So now we’re old, boring, AND unoriginal. Evil saved this segment for me. Have you noticed that we’re getting the same fucking PPV matches every time? Roberts/ST part 584985948 and RVD/Rock part 9049504959029344029320. At least that one has some promise, I suppose. He is wearing a CUMSTAINED MASK! BUKKATE! Gross.

I can’t even stand listening to Hebner count. FOOOOUUUUURRRAAA! SPEAK ENGLISH MOTHER FUCKER! Tombstone! To the top of the set…. Lights out! Grim Reaper. Well that was anti climatic. Lights out again and he’s gone. This is so stupid. No offense. Of all the people to push as a bodyguard… the Grim Reaper? Are you fucking serious? Don’t wear mittens, Hebner, it’ll slow you down! And Roberts wins.

MEH.

SEGMENT FOUR

Mason’s back with the Rock. I swear to God if they hotshot the title back to RVD I’m going to be pissed. If they wanted RVD to have the belt, they should’ve just let him keep it for fucks sake. Last time ever? I highly doubt that. Rock refused to comment because… well, because quite frankly, he thinks he’s gross. Rotten Vaginal Discharge. Pretty much sums up my feeling exactly. Oh yeah, who’s the heel in this situation? Fuck if I know, the booking is so ass backwards that the fans don’t know who to cheer for. Rock’s deserving of the elevation, but he’s right when he says the UWA needs a true leader, and for me, it isn’t Rock or RVD.

RVD’s doing cock push-ups in the back. Makes sense if he’ll be pounding a vagina hard enough to knock out the rotten discharge.

Match is underway and these two do have good chemistry together, no denying that, but once again, neither man would be my choice to headline the company’s biggest show of the year. Back and forth, back and forth these two go! People’s Elbow! First fall Rock, second fall RVD. I swear to god if he wins… reversals left and right. Near falls a plenty! Sharpshooter! ROCK BOTTOM! 1…2…3!!! FINALLY SOME BOOKING THAT MAKES SENSE!

Rock retains and Hyatte’s happy. MOVING ON. Now we have RVD and FRED rematch to look forward to. Can’t say I’m angry.

SEGMENT FIVE

Mason’s in the back to describe the importance of the Rumble. Time filler? I think so. Am I the only one that is a little upset that the Rumble participants were all announced ahead of time? No surprise equals no fun when it comes to the Rumble. Mason says we’ve got to forgive his broken speech – he can’t help it, he’s black. The winner goes to face the UWA Champion and the WWF champion at Oblivion. So it’s Roberts, Rock, vs. the winner? Sounds lame as hell, if you ask me. Roberts is NOT a superstar. It’s NOT 15 years ago, folks.

YO YO YO that’s E-Dawg to you, bitch! Highlight of the night. Kru(sader) is the obvious pick to win, as he’s number one and he has the most to overcome. I originally thought he’d take it, but now it just seems to obvious. “Are you feelin’ this interview or what, cuz I could just bounce if ya want.” 2009 interviewer of the year is Evil’s category, for shizziel.

And now the Rumble starts! Buffer explains the rules like we’re idiots and this is the first battle royal of all time. SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ‘EM FIGHT FOR FUCKS SAKE! Krusader’s #1 and the #2 man is… Stone Cold. They’ve been heavily hyping him, but if he wins I might riot. No promises. #3 is Leo. Veterans’ reunion 2009! #4 is the Bidness Man, if you weeeeeeel. #5 is Crock, and thus far everyone’s still in. I could see Crock winning this, but it’s unlikely. So, so far Krusader and Crock are the odds on favorite.

The whole point of the Rumble is to fight IN the ring, not on the outside. ASS BACKWARDS BOOKING! #6 is, well there’s a technical malfunction. Great sign. Elijah Black. Meh.

The screen’s a little blurry but I’m pretty sure #7 is Masked Phenom. I’ll be getting these wrong from here on out, so don’t look to me for an official count and whatnot. Teo’s music its! TEO is here! Wait, it’s just Jesse. Forgot he’d stolen Teo’s music. What a psyche out! Burke’s the first man eliminated, by Jesse I believe. And it’s Nash! Nash is #9! He’s my new pick.

Austin’s out and #10 is the Undertaker. Since Austin’s out, I don’t have to riot. That’s nice. So far, Crock, Krusader, Nash, and Jesse are the only viable contenders to win this match. Leo just eliminated Masked Phenom… sucks for you. Ok, Jesse just eliminated Nash and Leo. FUCK.

Ok, new pick to win – Crock. Let’s see how right I am! #11 is a duct tape man. Couldn’t even tell you which one. All those people look the same to me. He eliminates Business Man and the match continues. Ok, so Crock just eliminated himself. FUCK THIS SHIT. New pick? Jesse or Krusader. Fuck me right in the eye, seriously.

#12 is Brandon Lee and he eliminates the Undertaker and himself. This is starting to get stupid. Seriously. Lee would have been a fun one to cheer for. UNO! He should have been number one. And now he’s fucking eliminated. This is supposed to be a rumble, meaning more than two fucking people in the ring at once. Epic showdown between Krusader and Jesse? Epic slow down more likely. Get these two their wheelchairs and get them off my TV.

#15 is… TERMINATOR! Ok, so now we have three viable contenders. About fucking time. If he’s thrown out in the next 2 minutes like everyone else has been, I’m turning this shit off. Krusader just tosses Jesse out. Have I ever mentioned that I hate when the #1 participant wins the Rumble? He better not fucking win.

#16 is Rick Martel, eliminated once he gets into the ring. SO FUCKING STUPID. Why isn’t Slammu in this thing? FRED? Dragonfly? Sunfire? You know, people who AREN’T FUCKING JOBBERS!

Terminator and Krusader just stare at each other for like, 25 minutes. This might be the worst Rumble I’ve seen in, well, ever. #17 is Bossman. Might as well just toss yourself out Bossman, because these people don’t last.

#18 is… well, the music doesn’t work. Oh wait, it’s Raph. Raph’s gone. Next? Duke is #20. Duke’s out. I am kind of tired of announcing these people only for them to be eliminated in the same breath. I try to do my job and these people couldn’t give a fuck! 21 is Dupree. 22 is Conway. It’s a gay reunion! Dupree’s out! Bossman is out. Dreamer is 23. He’s dreaming if he thinks anyone besides Krusader or Terminator has a chance in this fucking thing.

One of the announcers said there’s 15 people left. No, there’s 7. Unless I can’t count, which I can… Conway’s out and he’s not happy. But hey, at least he’s still pretty, eh? 24 is Stamboli. God this really is the worst rumble I’ve ever seen. Dreamer’s out. Out comes #25… LANCE STORM! I’d laugh my ass off if he won. DO IT FOR TEENAGE ROBBIE!

So, here’s my problem with this Rumble. We had some potential for greatness. DiBiase and Jesse could have had a go. Taker and Lee could have spent some time in the match. It’s cool to let feuds interfere with the match, but not to this extent.

#26 is Blaster. Black midgets are such a thing of the 90s…. you always know it isn’t a great night when the announcers keep saying it’s a great night. #27 is the Best. Too bad he doesn’t have a chance either. Rumble’s about speculation and intrigue, not jobbers. Seriously, hire me to book this shit, and you’ll see the UWA pulling in more than 3^rd and 4^th place finishes for fucks sake. Blaster’s eliminated by Krusader.

#28 is Max Steel. When’s the last time he was even on TV? I am bored to tears at the moment. Steel tosses The Best into the ring, and then Stamboli. YOU IDIOT, you’re supposed to do it the opposite way! For fuck’s sake.

#29 is… Goldberg. So 20 is Jesus. Steel is eliminated. Basically what I’m calling, and what I said I’d hate to see from the get go, is Krusader outlasts 29 other men and wins, although there are way more deserving people on the roster. Goldberg is eliminated. Wait, here comes Keeper. I messed up my math somewhere along the lines. Oh well, don’t mind that.

MOVING ON. Keeper is eliminated by Stromboli. HBP is out here. One of these men will headline the 4^th Oblivion, in a match that doesn’t seem like it’ll be the “name on the marquee” dream matches that promotions always try to book. Last man out and we’re down to the final five.

Krusader, HBP, Stamboli, Terminator, and Jesus Gonzales. THERE GOES HBP. Stamboli’s next to go, and then Krusader gets to overcome the odds. *YAWN* Yup, there goes Stamboli. Gonzales is out.

Final two. Krusader and Terminator. Such a shock. Terminator wins. So, that was kind of a shock. But very anticlimactic. This PPV in general has been pretty anticlimactic. I’m glad it’s over.

News, Scuttlebutt, and Rumors with Chris Hyatte

01.10.09

So, I’ve been a little off course with my most recent updates. Mop Ups backdated to fit PPVs that happened forever ago, no weekly updates… yeah, I guess you could say I’ve been a little lazy. Hell, I opted out of a Mop Up for Fearless all together, just so I could get caught up with this crazy business of ours. When the EWA went on hiatus, I went on a freaking vacation!

But, alas, I’m back now, and we’ve got stuff to talk about. The first ratings results of 2009 are in, as Revolution went head to head with the seemingly unstoppable Mayhem. And as many pundits correctly predicted, the EWA’s extended absence did not help what was already going to be an uphill battle.

Revolution took a second place finish to Mayhem, by what could be considered an increased margin. Mayhem outscored Revolution by .01, which by old standards would be considered a narrow defeat, but in this era, where we’ve seen margins as close as .004, this is considered rather significant.

Jane Mouse is reportedly laughing at Molly’s defeat, saying that we should all expect much more from Uprising this coming Monday. Some have attributed EWA’s loss to the debuts of independent sensations The Miz and Ken Kennedy, but if that truly is the case, I can’t say that I’m upset. I’m all for diversifying talent, and apparently, so is my parent company. The EWA has signed more than ten new superstars in the past week alone, so seeing new faces around on both rosters is something to expect in the near future.

I personally contribute HCW’s win to the ongoing and developing NWO angle, which is shockingly entertaining for a rehashed story line. Also, I think the HCW underestimates the drawing power of their new light heavyweight champion, Stan Hart. He’s another reason they won this past Monday, and if they’re smart (which I hope they arent, for the EWA’s sake, they’ll utilize him more often.)

The UWA returns this Monday with new episodes of Raw and Massacre. Sanitarium will be back to a regular schedule in February, so for the time being we’ll just have to live with the Monday night shows. I can’t go into too much detail because they failed to post previews, but oh well. It should be interesting to see if things go the way they did last year – HCW on top, EWA second, and Raw and Massacre battling for last.

I’ll be back next week with an in depth update, and hopefully then I’ll have some previews to work off.

-Hyatte

UWA Motivation 4 Mop Up

UWA MOTIVATION 4 MOP UP

*Hyatte’s Quck Predictions*

RVD d. FRED to win UWA Championship
Terminator, Jesus Gonzales d. Krusader
Steve Austin d. Terry
Raphael d. Michelangelo to win IC Championship
The Icons d. Duct Tape Men to win Tag Championship
The Rock wins Total Anarchy to win UWA Championship

SEGMENT ONE

Normally I rip on the UWA’s overly dramatic opening video segments. This time, however, I’m going to break away from the norm and go on record saying this video package was awesome. I DID feel my anticipation grow, among other things, thank you very much. Awesome throwback to the original Motivation theme song, this event has been a hit for me so far, and we’re only 3 minutes in.

The announcers welcome us to the show and they’re legitimately pumped up – the set is a MAJOR improvement over everything I’ve seen from the UWA since it’s rebirth this summer. See, giving me a set that I didn’t hate wasn’t that fucking hard. Now, just do it a little more often and I won’t want to kill myself when I shell out 45 bucks for a PPV, MMK?

Howard Knuckles comes out to welcome us to the PPV. Um, wait, isn’t that what the past 12 minutes was all about? I guess they’re not going to be happy unless they make me wait the traditional 20-45 minutes into a PPV before they get to their first match.

RVD is in the back with Mason. I’m calling a RVD win here – but I hate when they interview the guy before the match, it just makes me doubt the formula. Regardless of who wins this match, FRED isn’t walking out of here with the world title. Nope, not tonight.

Dragonfly arrives and Vinney says his match is coming up next. You sir, are WRONG!

19 minutes and 51 seconds into the broadcast, RVD is finally introduced for the opening contest. But not before the ring announcer can make an ass of himself. Damn unprofessional ass lickers! FRED makes his way out to the ring to a huge ovation. These poor fans are gonna be upset when he drops the title, but it’s time for a new champion leading into the next cycle of the UWA. RVD is not phased by FRED’s presence, dude’s got some balls. FRED leaps off the top of the set with a shooting star press to win the first fall. Things aren’t looking good for “Mr. PPV” here. RVD scores a fall. RVD hit’s the 5 Star but it isn’t enough to score the final fall. Well fuck. Moments later, RVD rolls FRED up and wins the World Championship!

(Hyatte’s Predictions: 1/1)

SEGMENT TWO

What an opening contest. It’s going to be hard to top, that’s for damn sure. Evil is in the back with Krusader. He’s talkin’ respect, yo. Kru-dawg wants nothing to do with it and leaves Evil high and dry. Fuckin’ hater, that’s what Krusader is!

Jesus and Hans Gustav are in the back lockeroom. “WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT.” I say that every time I see Gonzales. Gustav thinks that he’s someone that he’s not and Jesus destroys Hans. See, that’s how you use Hans people – put him in backstage skits, keep him the fuck out of the ring.

As the bout kicks off, Jesus is sent in to destroy Krusader as Terminator sits on the sidelines and watches on. The announcers label Terminator as a coward, but I label him as a genius. I mean, why do the work when there’s someone else that’s perfectly willing and able? This is America, dammit, Terminator has the right to work smart not hard! Once things get a little too hectic for the giant Mexican, Terminator steps in and stomps all over Krusader. I love it! Minus the whole “Mexican” thing. I don’t much care for the Mexicans. Every time Krusader starts to make some headway, Terminator stops his momentum. Krusader finally starts getting a handle on the situation, hitting Gonzales with the bat kick and pins Gonzales, eliminating him from the match. But Gonzales doesn’t leave right away, he throws a fit first. Right afterwards, however, Terminator drills him with a choke slam for the victory!

(Hyatte’s Predictions: 2/2)

SEGMENT THREE

We’re in the back with Mason and Steve Austin. Dear God, Steve, please win this match and kill your brother. Yes, that’s right, KILL HIM. Kill him dead and then he’ll be off of my TV forever and I WONT HAVE TO TYPE IN ALL CAPS. I am really not in the mood to riot this early in the broadcast, so please for the love of Jesus in heaven, win this fucking match and put this damn feud out of it’s freaking misery. Sincerely, Chris Hyatte.

And now we cut to Terry. He isn’t even facing the camera, he’s facing the mirror. Better hope that mirror doesn’t realize how shitty Terry Austin is. If it does, it might leap off the floor and shatter, becoming the first inanimate object to commit suicide!

Terry comes out first and the announcers say that fans have come to resent him. I SURE AS FUCK RESENT HIM. Last time I checked, my opinion is the ONLY FUCKING OPINION THAT MATTERS so for fucks sake, let this retard bleed to death. PLEEEEEAAAAAASSSSSEEEE. This match lasts for fucking ever… just give me my satisfaction already. Let’s go Steve, let’s go! *clap clap clap* Let’s go Steve, let’s go! *clap clap clap!* Steve takes the glass casing and knocks Terry the FUCK OUT! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! STEVE WINS! STEVE WINS! I riot from happiness, not from anger.

(Hyatte’s Predictions: 3/3)

SEGMENT FOUR

Badass Dr. Evil is in the back with Raph. Teach him a thing or two about getting’ down with the brown, Evil! Raph is angered by Evil’s antics. I don’t understand why, I mean, he’s a freaking ghetto fabulous announcer!!!

Someone should tell Michelangelo that he is wearing the most ridiculous attire in the history of fashion. Leo comes in, hopefully to tell him just that. Nope, he’s there to talk about how this entire feud has “torn the family apart.” Leo just isn’t the fashion guru that I thought he was. Then again, look at how he dresses – all scantily clad in his turtle Speedos.

Time for the IC title match. If Raph wins this, I’ll be four for four with my predictions – will I truly prove myself to be the wrestling guru I’ve always claimed to be? Find out as the MOP UP continues! And we’re back! These turtles are quick as the announcers giggle over small packages. GROW UP. Michelangelo somehow wins and ruins my perfect predictions for the night.

(Hyatte’s Predictions: 3/4)

SEGMENT FIVE

Sunfire is in the back. He knows what I’m thinking. He’s talking about the Duct Tape Men buying their adhesive strips at the Family Dollar. Silly Sunfire, everyone knows that they buy their duct tape at the duct tape store in the land of the duct tape.

Evil is in the back with the champions. The Duct Tape men aren’t just awesome, they’re also understandable, so they’ve agreed not to tape their titles in duct tape until after tonight. They’re the real test, the real true phenoms (haha, please start fucking with Masked Phenom again like in the old days.) The Duct Tape Men aren’t their normal five star funny selves, but their interview gets the point across. Dos fists Evil in the face as we go back to ringside.

I hate the Icons music. If tagging these two awesome gents together means I have to live with them having a shitty song, I just don’t think it’s worth it. Out come the champions, their music actually doesn’t suck, so I’m down. *dances* They jump off the set and about kill themselves for no freaking reason. Dos forgot the cable, haha. Oh no, it’s the Bidness Man! He found his way out of the sewer and he is mmmmmaaaaaadddd! We’ve got new champions. Poor Duct Tape Men, that reign sure didn’t last long. Vinney nearly riots.

(Hyatte’s Predictions: 4/5)

SEGMENT SIX

We’re back at ringside and the cell is up as they explain the rules to us. 1st place finish gets the title, 2nd place is determined champion of prospective promotion – um, what if two guys from the same brand are first and second? I suppose that’s not going to happen.

They do the whole “Lets get ready to rumble” thingy and I’m pumped. Roberts is out first, McMahon’s the toughest referee in the world. Speaking of McMahons, we didn’t see Jeff or Vince once tonight. That’s really weird.

Roberts is busted open by the Soultaker. Rock and RVD go at it in the ring. And now the Rock is busted open. This isn’t good, he’s my pick! A little over half way through, Roberts has the lead, RVD isn’t doing so well. Rock’s in a good position for a comeback. Soultaker gets a couple of falls in a row and ties with Roberts 8 to 8. Weapons and bodies are everywhere as this match holds true to its name. RVD accidentally falls off the cell and I giggle. They mess up the table spot a few times and here we go again for it. The lights go out, what the fuck? FRED! He’s here to fuck RVD’s shit up! WOO! Less than ten minutes left. I’m starting to think a WWF boy will take the title. Rock and RVD fly off with an inverted gut wrench off the cell. Well fuck. 5…4…3…2…1! Time’s up! Final tally: RVD – 6, Rock – 11, Roberts 8, Soul taker – 8!!!!! NEW WORLD CHAMPION! ROCK WINS! ROCK WINS! I FUCKING CALLED IT! WOOOOOO!

(Hyatte’s Predictions: 5/6)

And thus concludes the first of two big UWA PPVs. We’ve got the WWF title picture in shambles and a new UWA champion, twice in the same night. I truly am a wrestling guru, if ya smelllllllllll what Hyatte is cookin’.

UWA Survivor Series 2008 Mop Up

SURVIVOR SERIES MOP UP

11.30.08

QUICK PREDICTIONS:

Demolition, YMCA d. The Powerhouses
Ted DiBiase d. Jesse Ventura
Victoria d. Sluts to win Woman’s Championship
Team USWA d. Team WWF
Terminator d. Krusader
Team Steve d. Team Terry (OR I RIOT)
Jake Roberts d. Soultaker
FRED d. RVD to retain UWA Championship

ON WITH THE SHOW:

SEGMENT ONE:

We get an opening video package to some stupid ass lame song, which is to be expected from the UWA at this point. There’s some mumbo jumbo about idols and what not – fuck that, I’m the only TRUE idol in professional wrestling. Shiiiiiiiiiit.

Then there’s some bullshit about greatness, something this organization would fail to recognize if it bit them in ass. I can say that I’m looking forward to Fred/RVD, although I know a victory by Robbie is unlikely, it’s still nice to see some new blood that doesn’t suck (coughTERRYAUSTINhack) in the title picture.

Oh. My. God. Did they seriously just play a Limp Bizkit song? Seriously? I’ve got half a mind to turn of the TV right now! Wait, maybe this isn’t Limp Bizkit. They better fucking hope so, for their sakes. I’d be pissed about the soggy biscuits, that’s for damn sure.

(Author’s Note: This set fucking sucks. Wow, not what I’d expect from a PPV of this caliber.) Confirmation: The music was not by soggy biscuits. A+ so far. Venom gets shut down before he can get too gay, which is a plus. All this talk about Venom’s thong is really turning me off.

Wait, Knuckles is out here talking about bringing these rosters closer so they’ll work together. WTF? FORESHADOWING FTW!

Demolition and YMCA gay it up in the back, telling the Powerhouses to watch their asses. Jesus, YMCA gets gayer and gayer each week. Disgusting. Mason calls Demo gay and B-RAD is “outtie.” They’re gay, but they crack me up. Good stuff so far.

20+ minutes into the show and we’re about to get to our first match. I’m all for building anticipation, but they’re just losing me with all the talking! If I wanted talking I’d petition for an Oprah PPV. After another 20 minutes the match actually starts. Wonderful. After another six years, the Powerhouses defeat four freaking people. Um… gay? I agree. Way to completely devalue YMCA and Demolition. Bad booking all around.

(Hyatte’s Predictions: 0/1)

SEGMENT TWO:

Mason is in the back with Jesse. Jesse is still bitching about Car – he just wants his ass back, if ya catch my drift. Do you? Do you? Eh? Excellent. Jesse’s coming to save and or rape Car wherever DiBiase is keeping him. If they don’t jump on the Car heel turn tonight, this feud will have been for naught.

Ted’s on the phone in the back with what we’re too assume is Car. They’re making it too obvious now, maybe a surprise appearance from Jesse’s reindeer wife Rudolph is the swerve they’re gonna give me? Who knows, but I WANT A FREAKING SWERVE, dammit!

Jesse and Ted brawl and Jesse’s kicking some ass in the early goings. He’s hitting him with everything he can find, can’t say I blame him. If someone stole my lover, I’d be pissed too. We’re reminded that Jesse was put to sleep at Bedlam. Too bad that wasn’t a more figurative statement. It’d be nice if the old fart croaked. DiBiase, like an idiot, punches a steel chair. Put these two guys in the retirement home already – things will make a lot more sense then. DiBiase nails him with the agro crane. THAT’S NOT YOUR MOVE! Jesse has a seizure to escape the pin. So, here comes Car? YOU BETTER FUCKING PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE CAR OR I WONT BE HAPPY! Anyone ever wonder how these magic powers actually work? Car uses his voodoo against him! DEATH! (This is one of the most ridiculous things I’ve EVER seen.) Now Jesse is spitting up blood. What. The. Fuck. At least I got my swerve, right?

(Hyatte’s Predictions: 1/2)

SEGMENT THREE:

Murrey and McMahon have an argument about their penis sizes. They’re BOTH tiny, get over it already. “Neither of us stole one another’s goods.” Gay, haha. They both go to have sex with Knuckles as we cut back to ringside for the Slut’s Championship match.

Lady Love and Venom trade love comments and the match is underway, elimination style. It isn’t even fair that Lady Love is in this match – seriously. She’s a man. Lady Love is out early, thank god. Christmas has come early for me, and as I watch Jill dance around, I too have come early. Jill and Asian Bitch are out. Lookin’ good, Victoria! Whitney’s out, and Mrs. Bear’s working for the Truth campaign. Shit, there goes Victoria. I’m routing for Molly now, I suppose, although I don’t really care. Vinnie cracks me up – he jumps in and kicks some ass! SUCKER PUNCH!!!!!!!! ORGASM OVERLOAD! MOUSE SLAM!

VINNIE WINS! VINNIE WINS! BEST PPV EVER!!!

(Hyatte’s Predictions: 1/3 but who fucking cares, VINNIE IS THE CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!!!)

SEGMENT FOUR:

Hey Krusader… want a whaaamburger with those French cries? BOO WHO. By the by, Evil’s new gangster gimmick is comedic gold. Truth. Vinnie shows up and looks for his belt, Evil wants to know why he competed in the woman’s match. See, Andy Kaufman, *this* is how you’re gimmick is done correctly.

Time for the bell. Did I ever mention how much this feud tickled my fancy? But it might have run it’s course, in all honesty. Also, Terminator’s entrance gives me mind blowing joygasms every single time. True story. Really, I wouldn’t lie. Because I’m the Guy. No. No I’m not. Solid bout so far, but nothing special. Far more technical than I expected. Terminator wins with the help of Jesus Gonzales. A little random, but fun I suppose.

(Hyatte’s Predictions: 2/4)

SEGMENT FIVE:

Murrey and McMahon can’t seem to find Knuckles. Murrey can’t even talk – he does know that he’s not a pickle. Good to know, I guess. Maniac shows up, he still thinks Sunfire is in his head. He thinks that he and Dragonfly are in cahoots. They’re cahooting against him!!! I’m starting to think he’s right – remember when he “imagined” FRED?

Business Man shows up – he doesn’t understand why injuring his own tag team partner was a bad strategy. I think that without his briefcase he’s completely fucking retarded. Now they’re having an argument about counting – is this shit serious? Unfortunately, I think it is. I’m a sad panda.

Maniac makes me laugh as always but I’m still pissed that Dragonfly didn’t get his own entrance. It’s like they find a way to ruin my enjoyment of the show and then execute it. It makes my heart sad, that’s for damn sure. Maniac goes crazy and starts attacking his own partner. He gets Sunfire eliminated, I think. Same for Dragonfly. This night has been absolutely chaotic, and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing. Maniac eliminates his partners and then goes on to win the match for the USWA.

(Hyatte’s Predictions: 3/5)

SEGMENT SIX:

Team Terry plans to top Team Steve. Fucking sick! If what the fag says is true, however, I will RIOT. Push me, bitches. PUSH ME!!! Steve is with Lance and Guy, wait, that’s THE Guy. Guy talks like a retard and then laughs like he made a funny. Lance is the only exciting part of this entire match.

In the ring, the teams are introduced for the Austin Warfare match. Quick question: why are all of these no names wrestling on a PPV in a feature match? Seriously, what the hell is a Vigo? Sounds pretty disgusting to me, if ya wanna know the truth. All hell starts to break lose and Vigo and the Guy fight to the back. Terry and Steve are having some brotherly love and it’s gross.

So, Terry wins, but it’s by DQ after Steve beats him to death with a chair, so I guess I won’t riot.

(Hyatte’s Predictions: 3/6)

SEGMENT SEVEN:

We’re getting ready for the triple threat match that for some reason wasn’t on the card I got in my email, so I refuse to recognize it with a recap.

SEGMENT EIGHT:

That last match was a good one, too bad I have to completely ignore it, eh?

Roberts is in the back, he’s gonna “get ‘er done.” Gangsta Evil is with the Soultaker and he can’t speak. Evil is too scared for the interview, so he jumps in the closet again. Starting to notice a theme here? Me too. Stupid closet case.

Not bad from two people that are older than the entire EWA roster combined. But anyways… it’s time for the main event. Looking forward to it!

(Hyatte’s Predictions: 3/7)

SEGMENT NINE:

Mason is in the back with RVD. He calls RVD’s stare down with FRED “incredible.” Um, it’s a STARE DOWN, there’s nothing exciting about that. RVD namedrops the Rock, nice to see them keeping that feud on the back burner just in case. RVD’s still one of the best heels in the company, although I’m not sure if he’s SUPPOSED to be a heel. Damn as backwards booking!

So in the end, a good main event concludes a decent PPV, brought down by some silliness in the form of the Austin’s and a weak opening bout.

I finish the night 4/8 with my predictions – not bad considering I’ve not kept up on the product for quite some time now. It’ll be interesting to see how things shape up as we head towards Motivation 4. Good times.

-Hyatte

USWA Bedlam Mop Up

09.29.08

Segment One:

We kick things off with a nicely put together opening video package. A couple of complaints in the early going… 1) That song is absolutely terrible. I hate it. Linkin Park? More like Stinkin’ Park. 2) Turn up the announcer’s voiceovers from time to time, I can hardly tell what these guy are saying. It isn’t hard to do either, using any editing software turn the video track volume up while lowering the music. Sheesh. But outside of that, no complaint really. It wasn’t ninety minutes long like Summerslam’s intro, so that’s an automatic improvement by like, 1000%.

As the show kicks off, we’re treated to an equally shitty song as the announcers run down tonight’s card. Another rather disappointing set from the organization that revolutionized the art of good sets. I said sets, not sex. The UWA and it’s workers wouldn’t know anything about that…

They immediately give Benny credit for the Crimson Car match, which is kind of funny, since the Brick House Brawl that headlined Sacrifice was Mickey’s brainchild. Wrestling’s all about stealing other people’s ideas, so that’s no surprise. It’s surprising that they mentioned it, though.

Michael Buffer introduces Mickey, who is still coming out to his slanderous music. He is not a murderer, although reports are coming back that he is indeed a rapist. Just ask Ric Venom. Anyways… Mickey relives the past… you know, his glory days… the days when a win wasn’t uncommon for him. It’s all in the past Mickey, because the new USWA is a shell of it’s former self. Mickey says that the reincarnation of the UWA is his gift to us all. Wow, that’s about as exciting as getting herpes, Mickey.

Who the fuck cares about Bret Michaels? ME! It’s the Rock of Love, baby! Who doesn’t want to watch a middle age man lusted after by a gaggle of MILFS? Mickey says that the competition are not really revolutionary, and that’s he’s the innovative one. Seconds later he says that although he’s “innovative” he’s still losing. Mickey is sounding like an old man with Alzheimer’s because he really believes his product is superior, despite what the ratings tell us.

Mickey goes on about how he likes to buy titties and asses… I smell another prostitution scandal for the chairman. He finally exit’s the ring after a forty minute speech. We cut to the back where Leo is getting treated like a bitch by Duke, who happens to be a bitch as well. Wait… did he just say that Dupree will one day be world champion? Don’t even joke like that because I’d riot for the rest of my fucking life.

Back at ringside we’ve got a close up of the set… purple anal beads dangle from the stage as Venom prepares to take them all one by on. Great, now Venom’s reliving his glory hole days. God damn these people are hasbeens.

Opening contest time! US title on the line… first match only 23 minutes into the show. That’s a lot of talking. According to Venom, Severen comes on Duke with everything he has in him. Disgusting. Lenny calls Dan a beast revealing his true colors. This is getting way too homoerotic. Leo attacks Duke and hits him with the spinning heel kick! Whoa, way to grow a pair, Leo! Leo denounces his bitchdom as Severen covers the Duke and gets the three!

(Hyatte’s Predictions: 0/1)

Segment Two:

Lawrence Mason is standing by with the Powerhouses. Mason puts over Demolition as a threat to their dominance, which is fine with the Powerhouses because they like being manhandled. Gay porn, anyone? Lesnar says he’s gonna pulverize Axe and Smash. He’ll be the first man to fill four holes at once. Enough of this, let’s see what else is going on… *flips channels*

McMahon is in the back, minus his desk. A tear-stained Duke enters his office. McMahon pretends to not notice that his desk and Duke’s US title are missing. That is, until Duke pushes the issue and McMahon snaps. McMahon explains that Leo isn’t Duke’s bitch anymore and tells him now he’s gonna have to earn the title back. This is the exact plot line of the Establishment’s current storyline.

Back with Mason, standing by with Demolition. Anyone else wonder why they wear those silly masks? They’re like something straight from YMCA’s closet. Wow, these guys should never get another chance to speak again. BORING.

The match is underway and these two teams wrestle it out for dominance. Meaning, the winner gets to be on top whereas the loser is on the bottom. So really, no one really wins anything special… unless you consider HIV “special.” Despite what I predicted, the Powerhouses pulled off the upset. Now Demo will be forced to return their wardrobe to YMCA and retire. Wait, that’s just wishful thinking.

(Hyatte’s Predictions: 0/2)

Segment Three:

Ted Dibiase is walking through the parking garage. He giggles to himself as we cut to Jesse, who isn’t very nice to the king of the monkey people, Lawrence Mason. Jesse is wondering where his manager is and is pissed because Ted knows…

Back at ringside as the contestants are introduced. Dibiase is out first. His music is really obnoxious. They shouldn’t let him sing his own song. It’s sick. It’s being hyped that Ted abducted Car. I doubt that. Car has been bought, I’m telling you! WHY WONT YOU LISTEN TO ME!

Jesse comes out to Teo’s music. Another example of how wrestling copies what it sees in other organizations. Intense stare down to start things off until Jesse bitch slaps Dibiase. Dibiase goes after Jesse with all he’s got, but Jesse is too strong. Jesse tosses his weight around like he’s 900 pounds. Dibiase oversells it as Jesse tosses him from one side of the ring to the other. Vemon says that it will be a one sided pounding. Sam beats me to the punch, mentioning that Ric would like that. Haha. Sam has some potential so sayeth Hyatte! Jesse screams for CAAAAAARRRR! Car wasn’t abducted, he’s just getting ready to be a prop in the Crimson Car match. How awesome would the be? This has been a surprisingly awesome match, kudos to the old fogies! “Semen… seeming like he’s fading away. Sorry, didn’t mean to excite you, Ric.” Hilarious. Wait… Ted puts Jesse down clean with the Million Dollar Dream… no Car involvement? Crazy.

Either way, the match was really strong and this has been an awesome feud.

(Hyatte’s Predictions: 1/3)

Segment Four:

Slammu is with Mason. He has a funny voice. Haha. Slammu is pumped as he’s getting ready for his match up with Crazy Kid. Slammu should watch Jesse and Ted to see that not all elderly folks deserve to be put in the old folks home. Slammu kind of has an angry black kick accent, ever noticed? “Aint nobody gonna stop my momnetum!” SNAP! And just like black chicks, Slammu can’t do match. Don’t wear gloves while counting buddy, it will slow you down.

Crazy Kid is in the back checking himself out. He calls Slammu dumb. Well, that’s like the big dumb kettle calling the pot black. Or dumb. Kid’s a bad rip off of Edge as he starts talking about tuna and tuna juice… wow… am I still watching wrestling or did I accidentally turn the channel to the Special Olympics? He promises to bust Slammu all over his face and cover himself in his juice. Wow. Just wow. This is painful. Anytime someone beats themselves off with tuna, it’s painful.

Slammu comes out to an awesome reaction. He’s got the third best intro in wrestling, first going to Dragonfly and second FRED. The match is instantly brutal, which should be expected. Maniac does his best to beat Slammu off to the point of him ejaculating his tuna, but it doesn’t work. Slammu is kicking some ass out there. They’re on top of the set… this can’t be good. Kid bites Slammu’s gloves and they fall down! Slammu racks himself on the chair. His balls are broken but the ref refuses to check. They have a really awkward argument about chicken that leads into the two doing impressions. Seriously, who replaced my Bedlam order with the Special Olympics?!?! Kid threatens to eat Slammu’s family and bathe in their juice. Seriously, this argument has lasted like twenty minutes. Is the match even still going on? Finally they get back to action… Slammu hits his finisher and then drops a freaking dumpster on his ass… or head. Whichever. And that’s all she wrote. Unexpectedly awesome and hilarious. Kudos, boys.

(Hyatte’s Predictions = 2/4)

SEGMENT FIVE

What an awesome segment that last one. Too bad we’re switching over to the boredom that is Terry and Steve Austin. I hate that Terry, he’s not even close to being worthy of participating in a match on a PPV, especially not a match that will follow the awesomeness of the canned tuna.

RVD is in his locker room when Mason comes in and wants to get a few words with him. Mason is quick. One seconds he’s moderating the debate between the Austins, and the next he’s in RVD’s locker room. They’re so mean to this little African match. It’s sad.

Lenny says that this match is going to be interesting… LIAR! Stone Cold hails from Victoria’s Secret. I love that place. Anyone else ever noticed that Terry Austin could easily pass as a third member for YMCA? His antics and his wardrobe scream HOMO. For some reason we have dueling chants. These people should know better, because Terry sucks. God this match is awful. Terry busts Steve open… relying on the juice to make the match seem more important. I’m not buying it. After all, Terry made me riot last month, and I’m still not happy about that. Reverse supleplex onto the steps and the chants begin again. I’m just not getting in to this at all. Now they’re both gushing blood as this is starting to get a little interesting, but only because of the crowd’s involvement. Steve hits him with a sloppy stunner and Terry kicks out. Bullshit. Wait… after all of that we get a draw? BOO!

(Hyatte’s Predictions: 2/5)

Segment Six:

The Rock is in the back with Mason. Rock snaps at Mason, saying that his intentions should be clear by now. Mason stands quiet as the Rock goes through all 30 of his catchphrases. I’m just going to say that although I’ve dug this feud, I’m holding this match to the impossibly high standards these guys set last week… so, good luck.

RVD is doing cock pushups in the back as a stagehand informs him it’s time for his match. SHOWTIME.

Maniac is holding what looks like the UWA title in the back. Yup, it IS the title. He calls FRED his son… well, I guess if I shit a brick that green and powerful, I’d call it my son too. Maniac isn’t as funny as Crazy Kid was tonight. He wants to be fair like a square… nope, fair like a Maniac! That doesn’t sound very fair at all. Hmm.

Rock is out first as we get dueling chants again… this crowd can’t make up their mind. Crazy bastards. The Rock sniffs it all in… can he smell that I just farted? I hope not. RVD climbs to the top of the stage and dives off with a dropkick. Haven’t we already seen someone go off the set already tonight? Yes. We have. Not impressed. Back in the ring and these two take turns dominating the match. I can just say by watching this match that the Rock is unquestionably the star of this feud. Even when he’s getting his ass kicked, he looks like he is doing it better than anyone else. People’s Elbow! RVD kicks out, because no one loses from the most ineffective maneuver in pro wrestling. RVD gets his knee busted in with a steel chair. Awesome. RVD takes a chair to the top of the set and…leaps off onto the Rock! See, that was kind of cool. But if Rock loses, I might cry. Plus, that might have broken RVD’s ass. RVD wakes the ref and covers him… ROCK KICKS OUT! ROCK BOTTOM! ROCK BOTTOM! RVD kicks out! Lenny starts freaking out, saying he wants to plug Venom’s ass. I doubt he’d mind. Now the Rock is bleeding. My, oh my! Van Daminator! Daminate! Fighting on the top of the stage leads to… both men down. Rock hits hard. See, he’s awesome like that. RVD hit’s the 5 Star but he only gets a two count! What’s it going to take? RVD places him on a table and goes to the top – he connects, damn it. RVD wins. Fuck me running. Oh well, it was still a good match. Now this feud continues.

(Hyatte’s Predictions: 2/6)

Segment Seven:

This is what I’ve been waiting for. Finally, a main event that I actually care about. HCW never gives me anything good, and the first two UWA PPVs didn’t give me too much either. Dragonfly is in the back with Mason. I’m getting pumped right now. Dragonfly gives a decent promo, not that it matters anyhow, because nothing he says or does is going to make me want to see this match any more than I already do… it isn’t even possible. Mason sends us back to ringside, although there’s no ring.

WAIT. WHAT? SUNFIRE? THIS GUY IS THE ONLY THING GREATER THAN DRAGONFLY! OMG! OMG! OMG! MARK OUT MOMENT!!! I just jizzed all over myself! WOW. Awesome surprise for Bedlam. I’m loving it.

And here comes Dragonfly. His entrance rocks my socks off. Dragonfly breaks a table over FRED’s head, but it doesn’t slow him down one bit. I’m still curious to see what kind of role Maniac is going to play in this match. And the return of Sunfire? PUT HIM IN THIS MATCH! No, wait. That’s just my emotions getting the best of me. I’ve been waiting since July for these two to wrestle in a title match – I’m gonna enjoy it dammit, no matter how awesome Sunfire is. Dragonfly and FRED go to the top of the set and they both fly down. That would have been so much cooler if it wasn’t done so many times already. These guys need to work on their spots and try to find ways to make them original. Dragonfly takes a seat. I love his confidence. RANDOM FACT: The first time the forklift truck was seen in a crimson car match was between Benny Mouse and Splinter. It’s the same truck folks, it gets around. Dragonfly practically squishes himself with the truck. FRED places Dragonfly on the table as he pleads for his life. FRED punches him in the face and looks a little confused about what he wants to do. Dragonfly starts to fight back, hitting him with an incredible hurricanrana. DRAGON TWIST DRIVER! MANIAC CHOKESLAMS DRAGONFLY! THIS ISNT FAIR AT ALL!!! Maniac crushes Dragonfly with the truck! NO, Dragonfly moves and leaves behind a trail of piss. FRED sets the table on the dumpster. He takes Dragonfly to the set… PLUMMET TO HELL! Both men are down… FRED grabs Maniac, he covers Dragonfly… 1…2…3! FRED scores the first fall and I can’t help but feel the second is far behind… 1.…2.…3! FRED wins! Awesome match. Awesome show. This tops HCW’s Tumultuous Inequity in my book and may be enough to reestablish the UWA as the king of PPVs.

(Hyatte’s Predictions: 3/7)

Hyatte’s Bedlam Preview

09.28.08

So, Bedlam’s later on tonight and unfortunately for my legions of fans, I’ve been rather silent since Summerslam. All that is about to change, my friends, as I’m back with my insanely popular PPV preview, which will be followed up with my infamous Mop Up! Now, like Ric Venom would do with a bus boy’s ass hole, let’s dive right in!

Match: United States Championship – The Duke w/ Leo vs. Dan Severen

Why It’s Here: Before we even dive into the nonsense that is this match, let’s reflect on a forgotten gem on which this story even started. Remember when Shane McMahon was fucking with Leo? Was I the only one that thought the only logical thing would have been to have Shane and Leo fight it out, bitch? I mean, now Shane’s on Raw jobbing to Conway and Leo’s on Massacre licking the Duke‘s balls, and we’re left with an unresolved issue.

Hyatte’s Predictions: This match was never even announced on television. All that was announced was that the Duke could choose his own opponent. I guess he’s chosen Dan Severen and the two will engage in a giant snore fest. Oh, and the Duke will win.

Match: Demolition vs. The Powerhouses

Why It’s Here: FUCK! I just burnt my thumb with a cigarette. DAMMIT! IT HURTS! It’s painful, but not as painful as this match is going to be. And no, I’m not talking about the pain the competitors will endure, but the pain the audience will suffer. We got a little preview of this bout on Massacre and it ended in a no contest. As in, Massacre puts up no contest (after all, it finished FOURTH!)

Hyatte’s Predictions: From a logical standpoint, Demolition will take the win here. Personally, I think the Powerhouses are a more entertaining tag team, but the creative powers behind the UWA seem to have a hard on for the men cloaked in black.

Match: “Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase vs. Jesse “the Body” Ventura

Why It’s Here: Finally, a match with a story behind it! Y’all know how much I love telling stories… anyways, this match is here because during the first few weeks of the UWA, DiBiase tried to buy Jesse off, insisting that everyone had a price. This led Jesse to therapy, wherein his counselor told him to take the money and retire to the nursing home he should have been living in for years. Jesse ignored the advice of the expert and the two had a decent bout on Massacre that ended when Ted struck Jesse with the Million Dollar belt.

Hyatte’s Predictions: Some may say this is a bold prediction, but I smell a heel turn for Jesse’s manager Car, as the recently absent “heart giver” turns to the dark side, helping Ted pick up another victory. This won’t conclude the feud, however, as Jesse will then turn his eyes towards defeating Ted AND Car.

Match: Bone Break Rules – “Man of a Million Nicknames” Slammu vs. Crazy Kid

Why It’s Here: Because Slammu was on a roll until that crazy kid came along with his spray painted eyes and his creepy voice. Kid put Slammu on the shelf for a couple of weeks and no Slammu wants to injure Kid like he was injured. This match is going to be brutal and will result in injuries aplenty.

Hyatte’s Predictions: Slammu will take this one and then turn his focus to bigger things. I’ve been a big supporter of the slippery shark for as long as I can remember, and even despite the toll his lengthy career has taken on his body, he’s still got a lot of entertainment left to give.

Match: Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Terry Austin

Why It’s Here: Better question… WHY IS TERRY AUSTIN HERE? THIS IS THE MAN THAT MAKES ME WANT TO TYPE IN CAPS! I HATE HIM! Anyways, this match is here because Terry Austin achieved a small amount of success (all while dumping on the UWA title’s legacy, might I add) and he let it get to his head. He turned his back to Steve and wanted nothing to do with the man who helped him win the strap in the first place. Now, these two have been at one another’s throats ever since, being pulled apart by security and banned from arenas.

Hyatte’s Predictions: This match will be filled with intensity and all of that good stuff and it will actually have a big match feel, despite the fact that the two wrestlers in the match are utterly worthless. That being said, Steve Austin hasn’t been this popular since his WWF days, now is PROBABLY the time to give him a push to the moon and let him carry the ball for a while before the fans get tired of him again. I’m placing my money on Steve and hope that he breaks through the glass level and ends his career on the same note it started upon – on top of the world.

Match: No Holds Barred Match – The Rock vs. Rob Van Dam

Why It’s Here: Because as I said last month, these two superstars are the money feud at the moment, much to everyone’s surprise. Their match at Summer Slam was a show stealing performance, proving that highs and lows truly do exist in a wrestler’s career. However, Rock has proven he can hang with the big dogs, but Rob Van Dam hasn’t done so just yet, which only fuels his jealousy.

Hyatte’s Predictions: This one can go either way depending on where this feud is going. If we’re looking for a resolution, The Rock picks up his second win, by more definitive means than last month. But if this feud is going to continue, it will be RVD’s turn to shine. Given that the next UWA PPV that will include Massacre is a couple of months down the line, I am going to assume that this feud is concluding at Bedlam. Therefore, the Rock takes the win.

Match: UWA Title Jeopardy Match – Crimson Car Match – Dragonfly vs. FRED w/ Maniac as Enforcer

Why It’s Here: Because the UWA FINALLY took my advice… let’s take a walk down memory lane, shall we?

Summer Slam Predictions:
“Hyatte’s Predictions: Soultaker will be crowned the UWA champion, if not, I riot. Seriously. Terry Austin will go on to defend the USWA championship against his brother the following night, and Jake Roberts will continue fucking with Soultaker. Either way, whomever wins this match is just holding the belt until it’s time to put it on Dragonfly or FRED.”

That’s right… it’s time to put the belt on either Dragonfly or FRED. They are above all the biggest superstars in the company, and two of the biggest names in the entire industry. They’ve had an awesome feud, although it’s lost a bit of steam this past month, which is a shame.

Hyatte’s Predictions: This match has a lot of elements that make it rather hard to predict… first, there’s the Crimson Car factor, which allows FRED to brutalize Dragonfly and allows Dragonfly to use a multitude of weapons the even the score. Then, there’s Maniac, who doesn’t want FRED to win. Which is why I’ve got a feeling that FRED will win. So, I’m predicting a FRED upset. If I’m wrong, by the by, I will go into an orgasm overload and squirt my joy juice all over my computer monitor, keyboard, hands, pants, and dinner.

—-

Now, with that out of the way, let’s quickly talk about what we’ve seen the past couple of weeks… shall we?

During the EWA’s absence from competition, the dominance of the HCW continued, crushing Raw and Massacre throughout the month of September. However, on the 22, Revolution returned to the mix and as the main page reported, picked up the EWA’s first big win since July.

I think one of the reasons Massacre finished so poorly (last place before a big PPV? Never a good thing) is because they put too much emphasis on things that didn’t matter, like the Demolition vs. Powerhouses preview match that was, for some unknown reason, given the main event spot.

As a fan, if I’m given a chance to watch a match between Smash and Lesnar or Christian, Randy Orton, and Jesse Hash, I’m most certainly not sticking around to watch the midcard guys pretend that they’re big time. Then again, Revolution’s main event scored a 6.49 average, which is remarkable. If only we were pulling in those numbers all the time, eh?

I think that if Massacre would have put, I don’t know… THE MAIN EVENT GUYS from the PPV into the sixth segment, it would have drastically changed how things went down. I wanted to see some awesome interaction between Dragonfly and FRED just six days before their third PPV encounter (obviously counting FDTD.) Smarten up, McMahon, or you’re going to be taking last place finishes more often.

Anyways, that’s all for now. I’ll be back following Bedlam with a full segmental breakdown (or mop up, depending on what you wanna call it.) It will be hilarious and it’s nice to know I’ve got no reasons to riot that I can think of, so the caps lock will remain off.

-Hyatte

In the aftermath…

09.26.08

In the aftermath of the biggest Revolution in history, I’m just glad to say that the ball here in the EWA is finally rolling. Now, things have been shaken up quite a bit and I’m back at work. As editor of the EWA website and magazine that’s in the works, I’m happy to say that I am BACK to work!

So, stay tuned because soon I’ll update on some issues regarding our competition. Thanks for being patient guys… the EWA is back! WOO!

Summerslam Mop Up

Hyatte’s 2008 Summer Slam Mop Up

Segment One:

We kick off the show with a twenty minute intro video. It would have been epic if it wasn’t so damn long, but whatever. Then we get a quick run down of the show. And by quick I mean it takes like fifteen minutes, which is pretty good for the five announcers that love to talk. The set is an improvement over TI’s set, but still nothing like you’d expect from the UWA.

Mickey’s music hits as the chairman of the board makes his way to the ring. Can I just say how great it is to see Mickey back on television? Once a week seeing Mickey just isn’t enough!!! He needs to change his music though, because as made evident by Mickey Sr.’s appearance on Sacrifice, Mickey Jr. is NOT a murderer. Kidnapper? Yes. Child molester? Maybe. Murderer? Not even close.

Mickey does a good job promoting the Molly / Benny wedding… hell, Benny should have hired him to do the PPV promotions haha. Mickey slams the EWA for using one of his matches – even though Mickey’s used the Crimson Car Match and the Massacre Six at FDTD.

We cut to Jeff Murrey taking a piss, where Butt Fucker is waiting for him. Weird.

Back at ringside, Hogan’s music hits and three years later the old silly racist bastard gets in the ring. Crock comes out and the two silly bastards wrestle for a wee bit and before you know it, the match is over. Unlike Hogan’s life which has gone on for eons. Haha, I slay myself. Crock pulls off the victory after impersonating the likes of Dragonfly and Super Beast. Good stuff.

(Hyatte’s Predictions: 1/1)

Segment Two:

B-RAD and Mr. Slave are in the back… Jesus Christ! They downplay the significance of the all mighty Duct Tape Men and leave Mason looking stupid. We cut to the Duct Tape Men who are looking forward to leaving their mark. They say they’re gonna cover the belts in duct tape – fucking awesome!

Murrey comes over and says they are not wrestling in the tag title match because they didn’t sign up for the tournament properly! YOU’VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME! RIP OFF! RIP OFF! IM BOYCOTTING THE REST OF THIS PPV! THIS IS FUCKING SHIT! IM GONNA KEEP TYPING IN CAPS UNTIL JUSTICE IS SERVED!!!

VINNIE SHARES MY ANGER BECAUSE DUCT TAPE IS LEGALLY BINDING GOD DAMMIT! SERIOUSLY, IM NOT TAKING THE CAPS LOCK OFF UNTIL THIS BULL SHIT IS OVER. I WANT TO QUIT WATCHING ALTOGETHER, BUT I HAVE KEEP WATCHING THIS BS BECAUSE MY BOSSES INSIST THAT I COVER IT FOR THE WEBSITE.

ACTUALLY, TYPING IN CAPS IS QUITE SOOTHING… IT’S LIKE IM SHOUTING EVERYTHING! BUT REALLY, I’M NOT EVEN TALKING, IM JUST TYPING. HOW F’N COOL. BUT THAT ISN’T THE POINT. THE POINT IS I AM PISSED!!!

WE GET BLACKASAURS REX AS REPLACEMENTS. DID I MENTION THAT THIS IS FUCKING BULL SHIT? IF BLACKZILLA WINS, IM GOING TO KICK SOME FUCKING ASS. JOHN GODWIN COMES OUT AND BEATS SOME BLACK ASS! THANK FUCKING GOD FOR REDNECK HICKS. BUT BOO FOR THE DQ. METHOD WINS THIS SHIT AND DID I MENTION THAT IT’S JUST THAT – SHIT?

(Hyatte’s Predictions: 1/2)

Segment Three:

We cut back and have some interviews with Leo and the Duke. Did I mention that the entire last match was fucking bull shit? Yeah, still not over that.

In the ring we’re ready for the lumber jack match. Bigger no names than Leo and the Duke surround the ring… and… sorry, I can’t stay focused. I’m just so incredibly pissed off about the last segment. It seems like a play straight from the HCW’s playbook, and it makes me want to puke all over your head, good sir!

Somehow, Leo wins the Death Match Championship and the US title until Mickey reverses the decision… now all the lumberjacks are trying to beat the shit out of Leo. This causes a serious disadvantage for Leo and Duke picks up the win.

Was it a cluster fuck of over booking? Yes. Was it awesomely executed? Yes.

(Hyatte’s Predictions: 2/3)

Segment Four:

In the back, Evil thinks he’s Mason… just kidding! He’s not black, he’s bald. Best moment of the night so far: Evil’s Jetson’s reference… “Elroy, my boy.” Pure awesomeness. We cut back to the ring and Krusader calls out Terminator to settle things once and for all.

When Krusader mentions that the feud’s been going on for two decades, I realize that Krusader must be like 112 years old. Oh well, he’s still cool I guess, for an old man dressed like a bat. The lights go out and Terminator’s awesome music hits. It might be the best music in wrestling history, by the by.

I sit and hum along waiting for Terminator… do do doooo…. Doooo do dooooooooo. The music stops and something is in the ring, but it isn’t T-Squared. Nope, it’s just some paper. What’s it say, Kru?

“Sorry, I couldn’t make it Mr. Batman, I had a wedding to attend to and my sister in law’s husband has been arrested for beating on her. I wanted to go, but I have just been swamped lately. Perhaps we could reschedule? Let’s do lunch sometime! Love, T.”

(Hyatte’s Predictions: There was no confrontation, but the feud does continue… so…. 3/4)

In the intermittent, Ross and V-Mouse get into an awesome argument about whether or not the Duct Tape court really exists. It does, by the way. I know from personal experience. Anyways, moving on to the Hardbore title match.

It goes on for a bit in typical hardcore fashion until Mr. Raw finally captures the Hardcore championship, much like I predicted he would. Now, for the love of Moses, let this thing drop!!! (Don’t make me type in caps again!)

(Hyatte’s Predictions : 4/5)

But wait! Here comes the Edge and he beats Mr. Raw! *rolls eyes* Meh to the Edge… isn’t there already a wrestler with that name? Either way, I predicted correctly.

Segment Five:

Dr. Evil still thinks he’s Lawrence Mason as we cut back to an interview with Kevin Nash… Evil compliments Nash’s “bigness.” Gross. Anyways… Evil runs away like a bitch when Nash tells him to leave. Cant say I blame him.

The REAL Lawrence Mason is with HBP. SNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOORRRRRRREEEEE! Whoops, I just slept through that whole interview. Just kidding. I really switched over to something better. But wait, Keeper shuts him up! WOO! But dammit, Michaels fires away and turns the table. Damn.

Back to ringside. Dewey Styles and Buffer argue over who gets to announce the next match. Not quite as cool as Thomas and Anthony arguing about the last interview, but still, it was kind of cool. HBP comes out and Keeper attacks him before the bell even sounds, and the competition even gets into the ring for that matter.

So wait… Ahmed is the secret star? Way to disappoint, UWA! Seriously. Don’t hype it as something special if it isn’t, it just makes us all feel a little stupid. Kevin Nash kicks some serious ass and wins the Immunity championship as I’m on a roll with my predictions… I really am a wrestling guru!

(Hyatte’s Predictions: 5/6)

Segment Six:

RVD is in the back with Mason. Mason calls him a popular superstar… um… I thought he was a heel? Oh well, why should booking make sense? We go back to ringside and I’m confident in my predictions of Rock taking a win here because he wasn’t even given an interview.

Before this match commences, I just want to say that really, it’s a silly match. People can have concussions for months before they’re even aware of their condition, as one of the primary syndromes of a concussion causes people to not think they have concussions… so this is just plain silly. That doesn’t mean that such a silly stipulation will distract from a good feud, but still, it’s just silly.

Wait… now Rock’s talking… never a good sign. Damn.

To the match! The match was nonstop awesome. Kudos to both of them… and as predicted, the Rock wins, even if it was by questionable means.

(Hyatte’s Predictions: 6/7)

Segment Seven:

Godwin explains himself to Evil. Evil should take the role of Skinhead in this partnership. That’d be a goldmine for the UWA. Mickey is with the cabinet and McMahon pisses him off. Typical.

It’s time for the steel cage match! ORGASM OVERLOAD ALERT!

FRED appears in the ring, that’s impressive. Can I just say that this match is way better than anything else that the company is doing? Dragonfly crying like a bitch because he wants out is sheer awesome. What did he think would happen by challenging FRED to such a match?

As a quick side note, I’m still pissed about that tag title bullshit. But this is almost enough to make me forget. Maniac returns and choke slams Dragonfly and FRED off the cage at the same time! I guess that makes it a draw?

Let’s take a look at my prediction, shall we?

“This is gonna go either one of two ways… 1) This ends in a no contest and we name no number one contender and this feud continues OR 2) Dragonfly wins somehow and is named number one contender, only to be screwed out of the title by FRED. Either way, this feud continues!”

They picked option number one. God I’m good.

(Hyatte’s Predictions: 7/8)

Segment Eight:

We’re back with the Austins. Who cares. Remember that awesome match we just witnessed? Yeah, that was awesome. As for this? Who the fuck cares. I’ve not cared for Austin ever since he debuted and Soultaker has been pulling the same shtick for years.

So… yeah, how about that Dragonfly and FRED match? Yeah, totally badass.

Soultaker and Evil are in ST’s dressing room. Yeah… about that Dragonfly and FRED match. It was really coo, yeah? They really shouldn’t have put this match on last because nothing is gonna top what I just saw. NOTHING!

Ric Venom reminds me that anyone can hold the USWA championship. Way to dump over your own company, haha. CHRIS HYATTE RIOT ALERT: Just need to remind everyone that if Terry wins, I riot. So far, I’ve not had to riot, so let’s hope this stays good.

And I’m starting to think that Terry will win. I don’t know why, but I have a bad feeling. Wait, I just need to poop. *leaves to poop.* There we go, much better. I shit out a turd that looked like Terry Austin. Spooky! Steve’s out and he’s playing cheerleader to Terry.

Soultaker scores the first fall and this makes me worry even more as Terry could do the whole “come from behind” HCW style bullshit. I’m on the edge here, ready to riot, I swear. If Terry wins, I will type all of my UWA related columns in caps for the next month. I’m serious, folks!

Wait, now Roberts is out here. FUCK FUCK FUCK! I’m GONNA RIOT DAMN IT!!!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

THIS IS A DISGRACE TO THIS TITLE. SERIOUSLY. NOW I HAVE TO TYPE IN CAPS FOR THE NEXT MONTH. HOPE YOUR FUCKING HAPPY, PEOPLE! IM DONE WITH THIS SHIT!

*TURNS TV OFF*

(HYATTE’S PREDICTIONS: 7/9)

Summerslam Preview

08.31.08

Hyatte’s Summerslam Preview

Match: Crock vs. Hulk Hogan

Why It’s Here: For months now, Hogan has been the butt of Crock’s jokes. Two weeks ago on Raw, Hogan appeared on the Crock Show to defend his own honor. Of course, Crock didn’t learn the lesson Hogan had hoped for. So on the latest installment of Raw, six days before the PPV, Hogan attacks Crock, screaming that Crock is getting his ass kicked by an old geezer.

Hyatte’s Predictions: This match is a little rushed, yes… one attack and then thirty seconds later it’s been added to an already overbooked card. However, this one could go either way. I’d imagine that Crock would take the win here tonight. After all, Hogan did attack Retardo for no reason, and that’s just unacceptable.

Match: United States Championship – Leo vs. The Duke

Why It’s Here: Leo has been the subject of Shane McMahon’s torture for weeks now. Duke has been enlisted to get rid of Leo. Now, Shane’s stepped down and Vince has moved in. But Vince hates Leo too, so we get a match that gives Leo a title shot and if he loses, he’s the servant of Vince. Um… ok.

Hyatte’s Predictions: The Duke wins this match and the US Championship, and Leo becomes the slave of the McMahons. This will go on for a month and then we’re going to see Leo move onto a match with Shane McMahon, in which he’ll win. Then we’ll put this behind us and everyone will return their focus to hating Johnny Stamboli, even if he’s on the other roster.

Match: Hardcore Title – Elroy Crash vs. Mr. Raw

Why It’s Here: Because this is a best of 100 series match, it just wasn’t ever announced. Just kidding, but this will be their 100th match with one another. Which is why this feud has to come to a close, and why it will. There’s no reason for this to go on after Summerslam, so let’s hope the writers have some sense.

Hyatte’s Predictions: Mr. Raw wins this one and then ends the feud. I doubt he’ll be champion for very long, but he’s got to take the title off of Crash because this is his 101st attempt. So, my money is on Raw.

Match: Immunity Championship – Keeper vs. HBP vs. Nash vs. ???

Why It’s Here: Because Nash is nuts and Keeper and HBP needed a place on the card to serve as a backdrop for their continuing feud. As for the mystery superstar? Well, I am just going to pretend that he or she isn’t in this match because it’d be impossible to guess at the moment with no clues whatsoever. Maybe Hall? Who knows though.

Hyatte’s Predictions: Unless the mystery man wins it, this belt is designed for people on rampages similar to the one that Kevin Nash has been on as of late. HBP and Keeper don’t need this belt to keep them relevant, whereas Nash might. I’d imagine that Nash and the mystery man carry on with a feud while Keeper and HBP do much of the same.

Match: Concussion Match – The Rock vs. RVD

Why It’s Here: Because this is a money feud, even if I didn’t think so at first. I originally predicted that this team would fall apart and Rock and RVD would feud, with RVD carrying the feud and then breaking out and becoming a huge singles star. I don’t know if I agree with that original assessment, as Rock has proven to be good enough to go to the next level as well.

Hyatte’s Predictions: I’m going with the Rock here, and this is my reasoning… RVD already gave him a concussion and Rock was out shortly with an injury. Why have Rock get the concussion twice? And after his match with Lee on Monday, Rock proved that he’s found what he’s been missing since coming back from Hollywood.

Match: Steel Cage #1 Contender’s Match – Dragonfly vs. FRED

Why It’s Here: Because Dragonfly is the biggest star in the company and FRED is a close second. And they’ve had the most entertaining feud the UWA has seen since it’s resurrection. And did I mention that Dragonfly was awesome? No? Well he’s awesome!

Hyatte’s Predictions: This is gonna go either one of two ways… 1) This ends in a no contest and we name no number one contender and this feud continues OR 2) Dragonfly wins somehow and is named number one contender, only to be screwed out of the title by FRED. Either way, this feud continues!

Match: Tag Titles – YMCA vs. The Duct Tape Men

Why It’s Here: Because every wrestling has to have a tournament, and this was the UWA’s take on it. And we’ve got two teams that have really caught on with the fans. Both are relatively unknown teams in the since that the Duct Tape Men’s biggest accomplishment came in the NWA and YMCA just arrived in the professional world, but somehow they’ve accomplished climbing to the top of the division.

Hyatte’s Prediction: I’m not sure how this is gonna go… I am happy with either team as the champs, but they’re gonna have a hard time as teams like The Powerhouses are waiting around the corner. I’m flipping a coin and saying YMCA takes this one, much to the dismay of Vinnie Mouse.

Potential Match: Krusader vs. Terminator

Why It’s Here: Well, it isn’t really here, officially.

Hyatte’s Predictions: This is just gonna be a brawl pulled apart by security to further the awesomeness of this feud, and I’m sure they’re saving the blow off for a weaker brand only PPV.

Match: UWA Title – Soultaker vs. Terry Austin

Why It’s Here: Because we’re fans of putting low quality feuds higher on the card than the big, money making matches? No? Because the company wants to crown a champion? Maybe. Either way, this is the match I’m looking forward to least so who really cares.

Hyatte’s Predictions: Soultaker will be crowned the UWA champion, if not, I riot. Seriously. Terry Austin will go on to defend the USWA championship against his brother the following night, and Jake Roberts will continue fucking with Soultaker. Either way, whomever wins this match is just holding the belt until it’s time to put it on Dragonfly or FRED.

Tumultuous Inequity Mop Up

08.26.08

As I did with the UWA’s Second Coming, here’s a detailed, segmental review of Tumultuous Inequity (which may or may not be the hardest PPV name to say in the history of this stupid business. Just saying.)

Segment One:

We’re starting things off with a rundown of the show. Seems fitting, right? The set leaves a lot to be desired, but it’s still an improvement over Mayhem. I can admit that for the first time in a long time, I’m looking forward to watching this show. Even if it’s three hours long.

In the opening minutes I’m already laughing my ass off as Edge continues to stalk CM Punk. “Who the hell knocks on a bathroom door?” – CM Punk. Good stuff so far. We’ve got a backstage segment following that that chronicles the issues of Scratcher and Scatchy… meh.

The tables match was decent, but I was disappointed to see Flyer and Scratchy win. There’s no doubt in my mind that they will have a hard time keeping their belts, and I understand the historical significance of this win, with the first and last HCW champions of the old era capturing the tag titles, but still… it doesn’t sit too well with me. Here’s to hoping that the division picks up and the titles are heavily sought after. I wouldn’t be surprised to see a title change in the upcoming weeks. (Hyatte’s Predictions: 0/6)

Segment Two:

We kick off with the champions celebrating, which was cool only because I was able to get a good look at the tag titles. Good stuff. Elsewhere, Hulk is constipated and destroys a table. All because he can’t poop. Someone get him some ex-lax!

Next up is the barbed wire match between Forsaker and Al Snow. I still maintain that this may be one of the most pointless feuds in the history of wrestling… I mean, it’d make a little more since if Snow really did attack Shaitan or whatever his name is and went on to win the HCW title or something, but that didn’t happen. In fact, Snow was given the bye and then quickly eliminated… so… what’s the freaking problem? To top things off, we get a ring surrounded by barbed wire which adds intensity but severely limits what these guys can do in the ring.

As it would be, Al Snow defeats Forsaker in a semi-brutal match to conclude this segment, and hopefully, the feud. (Hyatte’s Predictions: 0/6)

Segment Three:

Thomas is in the back. He’s no Anthony, but he’s still better than Chase, Evil, and Mason combined. Al Snow declines an interview, which is good. Probably best to push him back down to jobber status where he belongs. ANTHONY IS WITH EDGE! YES! YES! YES! YES!!!! Anthony probes deep into the issues, demanding to know why Edge is stalking people. Edge declines comment as CM Punk walks down the hall and Edge hides. Haha.

Edge finally admits why he’s been after CM Punk, and it was ridiculous, but hilarious. Which makes it awesome. I love Edge. EDGE FOR PRESIDENT! Even better is when Edge starts a chant for himself. The match goes on and it comes down to CM Punk and Edge. CM Punk wins and gets the title, which is not what I predicted but it works, because it means Edge can continue stalking him which = ratings! (Hyatte’s Predictions: 0/6)

Segment Four:

Edge is in the back with Thomas, big whoop, wanna fight about it? Edge promises that this isn’t over, which as I said above = ratings! Colossus is doing handstand push ups while grunting. He too is constipated? It’s hard telling with the I Haven’t Crapped Wrestling.

Pretty standard stuff from Hulk and Colossus… better than their last encounter but still not quite as magical and awe inspiring as their match at From ‘Dusk Til Dawn. In terms of sheer brutality, however, this one takes the cake. However, on a PPV filled with brutality, it’s hard for that to be a selling point. I can say that the plunge off the top of the set was very captivating, although neither man was able to answer to the ten count. This of course means that this feud will be continuing, but if they keep having matches that are different than this feud should be alright.

(Hyatte’s Predictions: 0/6 but it’s alright….)

Segment Five:

Anthony and Thomas in the same room? Followed by Tiny? Orgasm overload! We’re back and the cell has been set up at ringside. It’s a really powerful structure, but it’s going to be hard for them to top the previous match. If Dark Warrior wins, I riot. True story.

John Brown and Jeff get into an argument about how many men Dark Warrior had to beat off to get into this match… no surprise there. This is only Sabu’s second appearance on an HCW broadcast, so it only makes sense he gets a title shot – am I right? Meh.

Sabu wins after a hellacious brawl and I’ve got to wonder – are these guys high? This whole fucking tournament made no sense at all and the guy that wins it is a glorified no name that only made one appearance before! The guys working a part time schedule pretty much and now walks out with a world title. Remember the days when these belts *USE* to mean something? They use to reward guys for their hard work and sacrifice, but not anymore. I can’t say I didn’t like the match, but I really didn’t like the outcome. (Hyatte’s Predictions: 0/6)

Segment Six:

Thomas and Anthony brawl in the back over the right to get the last interview of the night. That’s good stuff. That’s the stuff that makes HCW worth while. Anthony calls STD a jackass when he asks him if he thinks he can win and STD tells him that’s a stupid question.

We get a shot of Heavy Metal in the back cutting to Sabu being stalked. The real story though comes when we come back to ringside and we’re ready for the death from above match. I’ve been wrong on every match so far, so let’s see how this one plays out.

The match starts off with awesome intensity. Test flies off first after Heavy Metal eliminates him! So far so good. Drakus drops Heavy Metal through a table which was the scariest thing I’ve ever seen. Down to two men… Drakus drops STD down and that pretty much answers the question about who was stalking Sabu. I can’t help but be disappointed, but I am counting this as a correct prediction so I’m not completely shut out. (Hyatte’s Predictions: 1/6)

Final Thoughts:

This will no doubt be a ratings success, but I can’t help but feel that long term, these guys gave away too much too soon. Have fun trying to top this, Brown, because I don’t even think it’s a possibility.

Hyatte’s TI Predictions

08.24.08

After my last posting, I feel victim to a second bout of the deadly, often fatal SARS virus. However, my doctor’s have proclaimed me as a medical miracle, as I’ve not only survived SARS, but I’ve done so twice now.

That being said, it’s time we move on from one virus to another. That’s right, I’m talking about the virus known as the HCW. It’s like the clap, folks, because once you get it, it’s easy to spread to others. Nobody wants it, but they learn to like it.

HCW is holding a PPV later on this evening, and it wouldn’t be right of me not to include a rundown of said PPV. So, without further ado, here ya go…

Match: HCW Tag Titles Tornado Tables Match: Chicken, Pot, and Pie vs. The Hardys vs. Scratcher and Clayface vs. Scratchy and Flyer

Why It’s Here: Tag division? In the HCW? This is the first I’ve heard of it. Oh, that’s right, we’ve spent the last ten weeks working towards a PPV title match that isn’t even going to get the final slot on the show. Perhaps Johnny Potsmoker is also a booker for this promotion? This match was thrown together featuring four teams that have not even teamed together since the HCW was created. So, that said, it’s a little hard to predict.

Hyatte’s Prediction: Tables will be broken, people will be eliminated, and one team will be handed some titles that mean nothing to me or anyone else. I’d go with Chicken, Pot, and Pie for this match, but really, TNT and the Untouchables are the only teams that deserve this shot and they’re not even in the match.

Match: Barbwire Match: Al Snow vs. Forsaker

Why It’s Here: Al Snow pissed people off for getting a bye in the second round – one of those people happened to be Forsaker. Since then, Snow’s gotten no respect (much like most of his career) and we’re supposed to feel sorry for him. Forsaker is going for some vigilante justice about an issue that no one finds that big of a deal but him.

Hyatte’s Prediction: Hopefully they’ll let this issue drop, but I doubt it. This story will probably continue for a few weeks so Forsaker takes the win tonight and Snow gets his revenge later down the line.

Match: Extreme Championship, Six Man Elimination; Blade v. CM Punk v. Attitude v. Edge v. Brutal v. Batista

Why It’s Here: Because HCW believes in booking clusterfuck matches where it’s hard to get behind one person because no one really has an issue with anyone. CM Punk won’t win, though, probably due to Edge’s insanity. That’d be nice.

Hyatte’s Prediction: Does it really matter? This division shouldn’t even exist given the hardcore nature of this match, and given the extra rules for this match, it’s just screaming that they’re desperate for attention. I smell and Attitude win, but if he doesn’t take it, perhaps Blade will win.

Match: Hulk v. Colossus in a Last Man Standing Match

Why It’s Here: These two have been going at it for months now, since From Dusk ’Til Dawn. This will be the match that finally ends it, says I. Or at least, it should be. Who can really know for sure though?

Hyatte’s Prediction: Is Hulk even a man? Because if not, Colossus is at a serious disadvantage. I think Colossus will muster a win and hopefully get out of this seemingly never ending big man feud.

Match: HCW Championship, Triple Threat Tournament Finale in a Cell; Sabu, Dark Warrior and Tiny

Why It’s Here: Um… shouldn’t that be obvious? It’s here because of this nine week tournament that will FINALLY end thank god. None of these men DESERVE to be a world champion, as they’re all a bunch of no names. What’s with these wrestling companies not using their stars to their full potential and showcasing people that don’t matter?

Hyatte’s Prediction: Tiny should win this, but HCW doesn’t care too much about pleasing their fans… that being said, I could see Dark Warrior winning just so HCW can keep that “unpredictable” feel they go for each and every night. Eventually though, these “surprise” wins cease to be surprising, and we’re all left with a bitter taste in our mouths.

Match: The Death from Above Match; Drakus v. STD v. Test v. Heavymetal

Why It’s Here: Because HCW obviously had no faith in their own world title’s ability to carry a show. And given the finalists of the tournament, it’s probably a good thing. These guys have had little interaction with one another since this match was created, so there isn’t much of a story. But from a pure entertainment prospect, this match has unlimited potential.

Hyatte’s Prediction: I once predicted that Stan Hart would win the HCW title tournament. Then, as history has it, he lost in the first round. He’s probably the most over guy on the roster, and hopefully the powers that be pay some attention to that. However, Drakus has been on fire as of late as well, so he’s got a fighting chance. That being said, I don’t know how it will go over, but I want to see STD win.

SARS!

08.14.08

Remember the SARs outbreak a few years back? I remember it like it was yesterday. All of those poor little Asians going back and forth to work with those silly little hospital masks on their faces. It was awful, as the masks made their eyes appear even more squinty. It makes them look shady, am I right?

Why am I bringing this up, you ask? Well, the answer is simple. I traveled to China with Benny Mouse and was scheduled to report on his Olympic progress every step of the way, as I am wrestling most decorated reporter. Unfortunately, one of those pencil pushing bastards infected me with the SARs virus!

I know what you’re thinking, however did I survive? Well, I lived through it because I am totally badass. That’s why. Chris Hyatte > SARs. That’s right, bitches.

So, that hopefully explains my absence from this website. I hope it’s a good enough excuse. I mean, how could I be expected to work after contracting what should have been a fatal virus? Luckily for you all I have a very efficient immune system and was able to defeat this killer.

Now, back to sifting through the last three weeks of the competition. When I’ve finished watching everything I’ll report back to you guys. Until then, for those keeping score at home…. Chris Hyatte: 1, SARs Virus: 0!

News, Scuttlebutt, and Rumors w/ Chris Hyatte

07.16.08

So, it’s Wednesday, and we’re still waiting to hear word from week two of the four way battle for wrestling supremacy. However, we have received word on week one, which gives us plenty to talk about… not to mention, the EWA had a PPV, which adds to the conversation immensely.

Monday, July 7, will go down as another ratings victory for Mayhem, as it beat Revolution by a mere 2,000 fans. In what has to be a big disappointment for the UWA, Massacre finished 3rd and Raw finished 4th. It appears that although the Second Coming was a success in terms of buy rates, when fans had the choice of another promotion, they for the most part chose the other promotion.

It was a shock to most in the wrestling industry that the UWA finished so poorly, as many were expecting a knockdown drag out between the EWA and the UWA. Instead, the main story, despite what us wrestling journalists had hoped for, it appears that Benny and Brown will be continuing this unsung war.

On Mayhem, we saw some more tournament matches on what was largely an uneventful broadcast. Heavy Metal and Rey Mysterio stole the show, as Heavy Metal looks to be the most promising of all the second bracket stars featured on the show.

Elsewhere, CM Punk debuted and unjustly headlined the broadcast. I have a feeling that Punk could be another Sabu on our hands, flying towards the title without much in his tracks. Outside of that, not much to note.

On Raw, Elijah Burke debuted in a competitive match that I was disappointed to see him lose. It’s ok though, as there’s still plenty of time for Burke to ascend to the top. The Business Man proves to be very entertaining, offering his services to Jeff Murrey.

It was also nice to see the Crock Show, a show stealing performance as always. Outside of that, not a whole lot caught my eye… although I’m interested in seeing where the Godwin angle takes us, as he’s always been a favorite of mine. And no, it’s not because I have a problem with colored people!

Massacre was awesome, in comparison. I have a few complaints, though… I would have much rather seen Brandon Lee put in a more prominent role, instead of playing second fiddle to rising star Nathan Jones. This is Lee’s chance to really break away and find success on his own…

The Rock/RVD angle continues to be the most entertaining thing going for them at the moment, which is shocking considering the recent paths these stars have taken. It was a little ironic that all four shows had a match where someone didn’t show up. Perhaps they were reading off the same script?

Finally, Dragonfly taunted FRED, who decided to lay him out during his match with the Undertaker. Dragonfly is really good at what he does, and it takes someone like FRED to silence him. I’m looking forward to seeing where this one is going.

So, now we wait for results from week two… not to mention the buy rate results from Bound For Glory. As always, I’ll be back when there’s more to talk about!

The Big Two Becomes The Big Four

07.12.08

Three days after my last posting, the UWA debuted with the Second Coming, which averaged more viewers than any other show thus far, undoubtedly making it a success. I know you’ve all been waiting to see what I thought of the show, so I took some notes as the show went along… here’s what I got for you.

Segment One:

The UWA wanted to start things off with a bang here, but for me they started it off with system overload! There were EIGHT backstage/in ring segments before we even got to our first match! EIGHT! Holy hell! It wouldn’t have been that bad if the wrestlers didn’t trip and stumble over their own interviews. Someone give these guys some lessons on how to talk before putting them on the microphone! As for Lesnar/Jones defeating the Austins, I can say that the match certainly drug on way too long. You can’t really put a team over as a powerhouse team when they struggle for the victory the entire time, and a powerhouse team is what Jones/Lesnar should be pushed as. (Hyatte’s Predictions = 1/1)

Segment Two:

We kick this segment off with Leo and Raph practically interviewing one another, which was painfully awkward. However, things picked up when Harry Puddphucker arrived on the seen. (By the by, Business Man = Ratings!) Raph was able to defeat Kevin Nash, which still leaves me scratching me head in confusion, as Raph should be pushed as nothing more than a tag team attraction, not a singles star.

Segment Three:

Highlight of the night for me – Hulk Hogan: “Well ya know something my colored friend!” (Directed at Lawrence Mason.) Hogan as an accidental racist was purely awesome… perhaps he could team with John Godwin? I was unhappy to see Rock and RVD suffer a loss, but it is necessary for their impending break up (which I called, by the way.)

Segment Four:

The Crock is still one of the most entertaining promo men in the business… the Crock Show was just as solid as ever, and I really enjoyed the game show set up to find a replacement sidekick. The 3 Ninjas reference made my life complete, and I’d like to crane kick Katu for not knowing about the Karate Kid! Oh, and Elroy Crash as the Hardcore Champion? Um, ok. I’d have much rather seen Gustav with the belt, going around legally breaking people’s necks.

Segment Five:

Not much to say here… standard Slammu stuff, which is ALWAYS good, even if we’ve seen it all before. Keeper could have used a win, but Slammu came out looking strong, which is obviously what they’re going for considering his follow up promo on Monday night…

Segment Six:

Keeper attacks HBP in the biggest “Meh” moment of the night. I hope this doesn’t mean they’re going into a feud with one another, because it’d probably be best to keep HB-Boring off my television. Soultaker beats Hogan in a surprisingly good match to win the WWF title… too bad ol’ racist Hulk didn’t win. He should go on a lynching spree! (Hyatte’s Predictions = 2/6)

Segment Seven:

Crock defeats Undertaker in a good match… I knew that the inter promotional match was capable of going either way, so I can’t say I’m surprised. I didn’t fair too well though, only 2 for 7 with my predictions… not as good as I’d have like to have done… this means one of two things… either the UWA has a lot of good, surprising things in store for us, or their booking is a mess and they’re kind of winging it… only time will tell!

-Hyatte

This Week in Professional Wrestling…

07.04.08

There’s no doubt in my mind that when Jeff Esaison updates his weekly competition report, he’ll be ecstatic, praising the HCW’s ‘historic victory.’ And even though I was correct in predicting an HCW upset (a win by the most significant margin thus far), I must say I was more than a little disappointed in this week’s Mayhem.

Brown had hyped this episode as the most important thus far, but failed to deliver outside of the unexpected appearance by UWA chairman Mickey Mouse. We were promised that the first round of the never-ending tournament would conclude and we’d determine the first person for the main event in which a HCW champion will be crowned.

After a disappointing contest between Collosus and Hulk, an unjust upset between Blade and Stan Hart, and Crush beating HHH, and Drakus advancing, the main event wasn’t looking too promising. In the final segment, Crush was found beaten and bloodied in the back, changing the six man match to a five man match.

Just when it looked like Drakus (of all people) would advance, Sabu showed up and clinched the first spot in the main event at Brown’s PPV in one of the biggest BS finishes in wrestling history. The only part of the show that failed to disappoint was the only part that wasn’t advertised. If this is any indication of how the HCW will deliver with their big shows, I might consider saving my money when it comes to the PPVs.

On the UWA front, I was personally attacked by the man that is known only as “The Dick.” I’ll just go on record and say that despite what people think, I personally am not as interested in the Second Coming as I was a month ago. When the Dick’s biggest argument is “the matches aren’t the only thing on the card to look forwards to,” he might as well be saying “the card is going to suck, but there will be some backstage stuff that will be interesting.”

In all seriousness, I am not saying that the show will be bad… I just don’t think the UWA is entering with as big of a bang as they are capable of. That’s all. Either way, I’ll tune in tonight out of curiosity alone… perhaps they’ll give a more rewarding show than what the HCW gave me this past week.

That’s all for now, folks. as always, I’ll be back when there’s more to talk about. See ya then!

-Hyatte

Another Close Call

06.24.08

This time last week, I was sitting at my desk reporting on one of the closest battles in wrestling rating’s history. For the second time in a row, the EWA’s Revolution was barely successful in defeating HCW’s Mayhem. This week, however, there was no preemptive celebration party at Benny Mouse’s hotel room – rumor has it that there was no party period.

Since this war has started, the chairman of the EWA has been relatively quiet – a weird turn around from how vocal he was in the weeks prior to everything. Outside of his TV appearances on Revolution, Benny hasn’t been seen or heard from…

On Mayhem, John Brown opened the show with what sounded like a victory speech, saying that only 400 viewers separated his show from the EWA’s. Although he was out touting about a loss, Brown seemed as fired up as he would have been had they actually won!

As the score goes leans to Revolution: 2, Mayhem: 0, Brown and his employees are planning for a blockbuster edition of Mayhem this coming Monday, in which the first bracket will conclude and someone will secure their spot in the main event at HCW’s first PPV.

For the better part of two weeks, Brown has been predicting a victory here – a victory in which I believe will be by a much more significant margin than EWA’s… but then again, although I *think* it will go one way, these rating wars have already proven to be wild and unpredictable.

On the UWA front, things have been more quiet than Benny Mouse! They announced a few talent acquisitions and character descriptions, but I must say I am rather disappointed by the lack of buzz of this powerhouse promotion… opening day is right around the corner and I can honestly say that my anticipation wanes instead of grows with each passing day… get on it, UWA!

That’s it for now, folks, I’m tired and hungry and plan on spending the remainder of my day surfing internet porn… so, yeah. I’ll be back when there’s more to talk about!

-Hyatte

Why Revolution’s Win Feels Like a Loss

06.17.08

Hours before Revolution aired, those at BWM Inc. were laughing it up. Expensive bottles of champaign decorated the hotel lobby of Benny Mouse in Memphis. He and his cronies were prepared to throw the biggest party Memphis had ever seen in celebration of opening day and Revolution’s presumptive victory.

But then, as the show concluded and the CEO began to celebrate, insiders began leaking word that the party may spoiled… fast national numbers showed HCW’s Mayhem beating Revolution, something the boys in Stamford never expected.

As Monday turned into Tuesday, more and more numbers revealed that EWA would more than likely lose to a company that has struggled for main stream attention for most of its existence. Benny Mouse and advisers began to prepare a statement commenting on HCW’s victory.

But, once again, the tables unexpectily turned – the ratings were finalized and Revolution did indeed win. However, EWA only beat HCW by .0004 – which literally comes down to a couple of thousand viewers. Now, Benny’s canceled his statement and is not taking calls from anyone.

My sources on the inside tell me that he’s shocked beyond belief by the rollercoaster of emotions he’s been put through the past 24 hours… most believe that he’s actually embarrassed by how close a contest this was, and that he’s lost all bragging rights about this “win.”

So, in a weird way… Benny might have well lost! There’s almost more shame in the reality check that Benny just got than what he would have suffered if he would have lost by the same margin.

Why did HCW draw so many viewers?

A look at the numbers tell me that as Revolution went on, the show lost viewers, which means more and more people were turning the channel to see HCW’s Mayhem. Mayhem gained viewers the second half, I believe that they did so because they had solid action.

My boss likes to say that EWA IS professional wrestling, but in all fairness, there was also a lot of talking, whereas HCW was total nonstop action the entire time. All I can say is this, I’m most certainly looking forward to next week!

One last thing before I go – I successfully predicted 4/6 Mayhem matches, wich proves that I am an undeniable wrestling guru. Just saying…

-Hyatte

Getting The World Talking…

06.09.08

Wow. Apparently, my last column on what the UWA is doing wrong caused a lot of controversy throughout the wrestling world. It’s led Mickey Mouse to no longer refer to the EWA or Benny Mouse by name… it sparked the Dick’s first column on the UWA website (in which he defended his company the entire time), and even invoked a personal attack from the usually level-headed Jeff Esaison!

Now, I stand by my original column and apologize for nothing. If anything, I should be thanked for taking this competition to the next level. In response to the criticism, Benny’s announced that next week he’ll release detailed previews of Revolution and Uprising.

All I can say to the people that reacted strongly to my last column is this – I wouldn’t be Hyatte if I didn’t get the world talking. Haha.

Moving on…

We focus so much on the Mouse brothers that sometimes I feel we neglect John Brown’s HCW. This may be a mistake because this weekend, Brown released the card for his first edition of Mayhem, starting two weeks from today.

The card doesn’t follow traditional Mouse format and has a total of seven matches instead of six… as promised, here’s my breakdown of what to expect from the show:

Match: Jeff Hardy vs. Matt Hardy

Why It’s Here: It’s a tournament match that will lead one man closer to becoming HCW’s heavyweight champion. It features the two men that form one of wrestling’s most talented and underrated tag teams. Pitting brothers against one another is an awesome way to prove to the world that this will be a company soaked in chaos.

Hyatte’s Prediction: I’m going to go with Jeff Hardy as the winner of this match… expect a hard fight but no hard feelings at the end of it. From here Jeff goes to the next round, perhaps gets a little further, loses, and goes to the tag division with his brother.

Match: Agramon vs. Booker T.

Why It’s Here: This is a good selling point for the show – it’s two big names going at it for what I believe is the first time, which will undoubtedly spark some interest. As with all of these matches, it’s main purpose is to start chipping away at this massive tournament.

Hyatte’s Prediction: Agramon… it may not be easy for him, but he’ll prevail. He was chosen early by the HCW and it’s no question that they have a lot planned for him. Having Booker lose to a star of this caliber doesn’t hurt anyone.

Match: Mankind vs. Hulk

Why It’s Here: Hulk proved he’s a force to be reckoned with at From Dusk ‘Til Dawn. Mankind’s proved that he’s able to take an ungodly amount of punishment. Hulk’s going to punish him and it will be amusing.

Hyatte’s Prediction: Hulk wins by a landslide.

Match: Blade vs. Bret Hart

Why It’s Here: This allows the HCW to showcase Blade against a veteran talent. He’ll come out looking strong and will put on a good match, which will help build him in the public’s eye the way HCW wants him to be. I’ve never been a fan of Blade on the indy circuit, but here’s his chance to impress me.

Hyatte’s Prediction: Bret Hart – only because Blade is a newcomer and an unknown, not because I think Bret has a good chance or anything.

Match: Stan Hart vs. Mr. Clean

Why It’s Here: Because Stan Hart is the freaking man, that’s why. One of the best and underutilized talents in the industry… I was happy to see him advance to the finals of the UWF tournament bracket at From Dusk ‘Til Dawn… had he been a bigger star three years ago, he might have won it. However, now’s his chance to prove he’s big enough to be THE man.

Hyatte’s Prediction: He’s one of the men I believe can win this massive tournament, and knowing Brown, they’re probably building to a Hart vs. Hart match in the second round. With that said, and with me wishing him well, I choose Stan Hart.

Match: Drakus vs. Kane

Why It’s Here: Because it works… it’s already gotten people talking, hasn’t it? That’s what the HCW wants right now… they want to take some of the focus off of Benny and Mickey. How do they do this? By putting on an action-packed, ratings success two weeks from tonight. If Brown comes out swinging, perhaps the Mouse brothers will take him seriously…

Hyatte’s Prediction: This is a toss up, but my gut tells me to go with Kane. I’ll be happy with it either way as long as it’s a grueling fight to the finish.

What UWA is Doing Wrong

06.07.08

So, we’ve been waiting for the past couple of weeks for the UWA to post previews for the first episodes of Massacre and Raw. I woke up this morning and checked their websites, ecstatic to see the previews had been posted at last. After reading the previews, however, I can’t help but to say I’m really disappointed…

For Massacre, all we get to know is that YMCA will compete against Dan Severn and Vicious? That’s a selling point? I don’t think so! If this is all they’ve got to advertise with, I wouldn’t be surprised if UWA takes a hard loss in round one of this budding competition.

Now, it’s not because these talents are worthless… in fact, YMCA is one of the most talked about new tag teams in a long while. However, we don’t know them well enough to try to build a show around. We also weren’t informed if this match will be part of the tag title tournament that Mickey announced.

In other Massacre news, Leonardo vs. Green Giggy… *sigh* Seriously, Mickey? This is what you’re giving us? Leo’s first match back and this is the best you can do for it? I’m calling it now, Massacre takes a fourth place finish Monday, July 7th!

As for Raw, this one sounds a little more promising. We’ve got the return of the Crock Show to look forward to, which is an excellent selling point for this show… it certainly makes me want to tune in. We’ve also got the debut of Elijah Burke, and he’s a star I told y’all to look out for. The announcement of the Conway vs. Ahmed match doesn’t really get my motors running, but all in all, I predict Raw takes a 1st or 2nd place finish based off the previews alone.

Still no word on what Brown has planned for his first episode of Mayhem, which is right around the corner. As always, I’ll be back to talk when there’s more to talk about. Thanks for reading.

-Hyatte

War Between Brothers Heating Up

06.05.08

Welcome back folks, it’s me, Chris Hyatte, the hardest working columnist on the internet. True, I work from home, sitting in a big comfy chair scantily clad, but I’m still working! There have been some new developments in the war on terror… I mean, the wrestling war, and as I promised, I’m here to take you through them.

-Earlier this week, John Brown launched HCW’s website, which features a full bracket for the crazy ass tournament that will crown the promotions first champion of its new generation. Now, as much fun as I had breaking down The Second Coming card, I’ve got a life. Therefore, I’m not going to psycho-analyze the entire tournament. For the time being, however, I’ll stand by my early predictions from a while back.

-In other HCW news, the company made a trade with the UWA, shipping Diamond Dallas Page off in exchange for one of the most talked about rookies in quite some time, CM Punk. One has to wonder how that impacted Benny Mouse, as he is part shareholder in both companies.

-The UWA made some other signings as well, including Axe and Smash (of Demolition), Tito Santana, and newcomer Elijah Burke. Burke’s the breakout star amongst these men, I guarantee it. He’s been excellent on the independent circuit, and has what it takes to be a major star.

-Lastly, the UWA announced that EWA’s Uprising will not go unopposed. Mickey will have a joint Saturday show, featuring talent from both his rosters each week. This should truly be interesting, as it spreads out the action throughout the week.

Hyatte’s Early “Second Coming” Predictions

05.29.08

Match: Terry Austin / Steve Austin vs. Brock Lesnar / Nathan Jones

Why It’s Here: Steven Austin and Brock Lesnar are both established performers, whereas Nathan Jones and Terry Austin aren’t as well known. It makes sense to toss the Austin brothers in a tag team, as Steve’s career has been going nowhere fast and tag teams are usually the best place to introduce new talent. Tossing Jones with Lesnar is also logical, as it’s easy to get a “big guy” tag team over quickly with the fans.

Hyatte’s Prediction: Lesnar / Jones – Assuming that they want to seriously establish these two as a tag team, this may as well be the place to start. A big guy tag push can only be successful so long as the big guys are winning. Plus, I don’t see the Austin’s lasting long as a tag team, as the old “brother against brother” feud seems to be something of a re occurrence in this business.

Match: Kevin Nash vs. Raphael

Why It’s Here: Beats the fuck outta me… Raphael mad a shocking return at From Dusk ‘Til Dawn amidst a good reaction, whereas Nash’s role was even more limited. Both of these men have talent, but this match in particular seems like an odd pairing… I wouldn’t be surprised at all if their styles don’t click and the match tanks.

Hyatte’s Prediction: Kevin Nash – If I had to choose which star I’d like to see pushed, it’d be Nash. He’s had some good runs in the past, whereas Raphael has been pretty much off the map for most of his career. There’s a reason some guys never make it to the top.

Match: Lance Storm / The Guy vs. The Rock / RVD

Why It’s Here: This match is more about establishing tag teams than anything else. RVD is such an excellent star, it’s a shame that he’s stuck in this role at the start of the company. I doubt he and Rock will last long, as RVD is clearly a big enough star to branch into singles action. I think this is more about getting The Guy and Storm on the map as a tag team.

Hyatte’s Prediction: The Rock / RVD – According to some inside sources, RVD was slated to win the UWF tag bracket spot at From Dusk ‘Til Dawn, but obviously pissed someone off in upper management. Perhaps that is why Benny stayed away from him and he ended up signing with Mickey? Either way, RVD stays strong here while carrying The Rock along with him… at least, that’s how it *should* be.

Match: Hans Gustav vs. Elroy Crash

Why It’s Here: To crown a Hardcore champion… plus, Hans = Instant Ratings Success. It’s a cheap pop for ratings regardless of the qaulity of the match, because people will tune in to see what this whacko does next.

Hyatte’s Prediction: Hans Gustav – By a freaking landslide. Poor boy Elroy doesn’t have a chance. ‘Nuff said about that.

Match: The Keeper vs. Slammu

Why It’s Here: This is a good match to advertise with… it’s the match on the card that’s gonna lure people in and make them want to pay for a product they know nothing about. Slammu is one of the biggest draws in wrestling. Ever. Putting him in the mix with another powerhouse creates an interesting atmosphere.

Hyatte’s Prediction: Keeper – Slammu doesn’t *need* to win this match to stay credible. Keeper does. What with his loss at FDTD to Raven/Golddust, this monster’s looking pretty dull. He needs something to help him rebound, and Slammu can afford to be on the mat for three seconds, especially after that classic he had with Splinter earlier this month.

Match: Hulk Hogan vs. The Soultaker

Why It’s Here: To crown the brand’s champion. Having a champion crowned on one show and not the other will have it’s advantages. The WWF will have a belt to work stories around with an established champion, the USWA will have a story working towards crowning a champ. All’s well in the universe.

Hyatte’s Prediction: The Soultaker – This match can go either way. But for me, it’s best to have a heel go over first and have a face work towards capturing the belt. The money’s in the slow build/chase… don’t wanna give the fans too much at once now, do we?

Match: The Undertaker vs. The Crock

Why It’s Here: It’s a fresh match that we’ve not seen (to my knowledge.) It’s also a match we’re not likely to see again due to the UWA’s roster split. Here we have the first UWF champ squaring off against the last UWA champion… the match = money and ratings.

Hyatte’s Prediction: The Undertaker – Like I was saying with the Slammu/Keeper match, Crock doesn’t *need* a win here to remain a credible contender for any title in the company. Undertaker was eliminated in the first round at FDTD in about four minutes. He’s gonna need to put on the performance of a lifetime, including a win here, to remain a top player in the company.

Random Comments / Complaints: What? No Dragonfly? Shit’s whack. Anywho, that’s all for now. Keep checking back for updates, you never know when I’ll impart some of my wisdom upon you!

News, Scuttlebutt, and Rumors W/ Chris Hyatte

05.20.08

Hello once again and thanks for reading. I’m your editorial conscience, the one and only, Chris Hyatte. We’ve got a lot to talk about, so let’s not waste anymore time…

-There’s no doubt that Benny Mouse has once again got the world talking about him. Last week he announced that he has purchased a portion of the HCW, and reminded us that he owns stock in the UWA. Over time, this will make him wealthier than his brother Mickey, something that nobody thought possible before now. It should be interesting to see how the chairman of MMouseEnterprises reacts to this merger.

-Rumor has it that the UWA plans on utilizing a new ambiguous tag team. Two younger men coming in to take the place of Silverdust and Golddust’s characters? Who knows. My sources tell me that these wrestlers (appropriately named B-Rad and Mr. Slave) will be in denial about their homosexuality and will be used as a comedy act.

-The HCW plans on holding a 70 man tournament to crown a new HCW champion. This will utilize every superstar in the company and will inevitably take forever! If I had to guess a winner now, before the tournament even starts, I’d say look out for the likes of Stan Hart, Heavy Metal, Agramon, and The Hulk. These four men will go far and it’s my prediction that one of the aforementioned names will stand victorious.

-In other HCW news, rumor has it that we could be heading towards the reformation of the Hart Foundation. Bret Hart, Stan Hart, and the British Bulldog are all under contract to the HCW – it should be interesting to see if and how these guys are grouped together.

-Still no word on how the UWA will crown it’s first champion… regardless of the method used, I’m saying early that Dragonfly, FRED, Slammu, Kevin Nash, Krusader, and Crock are all serious contenders.

That’s all for now, peons. Keep checking back because once there’s more to talk about, I’ll be talking more.

UWA, HCW Prepare for Battle

-Chris Hyatte

05.12.08

John Brown’s HCW and Mickey Mouse’s UWA are set to go head to head with the EWA this July. I’ve been hired to cover this bullshit… so, keep checking back for updates. I’ll most certainly have a lot to talk about this summer as we prepare for what could be the final round of this epic battle for wrestling supremacy.

EWA 6th Era Updates

“Greatness Reborn” Preview

By CHRIS HYATTE | 11.3.19

Earlier this week, Mickey Mouse announced that the PWI PPV Greatness Reborn will air a full month earlier than previously announced, undercutting Benny Mouse and the EWA’s premiere in late December. As such, I’ve been forced to return to work early, which I’ll try to get over sooner rather than later. So, with that said, let’s take a look at the card.

Extreme Battle Royal to crown the PWI Immunity Champion

The Participants: X-Pac, Test, Taz, Randy Savage, Mr. Kennedy, Shinsuke Nakamura, Jon Moxley, Marty Scurll, Drew McIntyre, Matt Taven, John Morrison, Dolph Ziggler, Wade Barrett, The Miz, Cesaro, Samoa Joe, Kevin Owens, Ken Shamrock, Triple H, and a mystery participant!

The first of seven matches is quite possibly the hardest to predict.

It’s no secret that this match has been surrounded by a ton of controversy. When the match was originally announced at From Dusk ‘Til Dawn, it was announced as an intergender battle royal. After several months of backlash – from Benny, fans, and workers in the PWI alike – the idea was scrapped and Catherine retreated from her original immunity concept.

Now, personally, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t just slightly disappointed about the change. I understand why Miss Mouse took a few steps back and repositioned the match, but had it been me, I would have used the controversy to power forward. I can’t help but think that the match was announced as it was because Catherine wanted to explore a storyline that granted a woman immunity. Now that that’s been scrapped, we’re left with a typical battle royal that’s more or less an excuse to get a bunch of new guys on the show.

I’ll go out on a limb here and predict that Taz, Randy Savage, Ken Shamrock, and Triple H will fail to win the match, leaving the victory to one of the plethoras of young, hungry PWI stars. Wild money is on Moxley, Nakamura, Scrull or Morrison, with Kevin Owens as a dark horse. Again, it’s almost impossible to predict what’s essentially the “Newcomers Battle Royal” Round 2.

Kurt Angle vs. “The Fallen Angel” Christopher Daniels

Angle vs. Angel is, at the very least, very fun to say. Seriously, go ahead and try it, I’ll wait.

That being said, I doubt the match was booked *just* because it’s kind of a tongue twister. Both men have a lot to prove here, as Angle has failed to properly leave his mark on the business even after more than a decade of trying. As for Daniels, aside from a brief storyline in the EWA that saw him partner with Kane against AJ Styles, we really haven’t seen what he has to offer. For that reason, I’m predicting that Daniels will walk out of Greatness Reborn with the win.

Gauntlet Match: Winner to be #1 Contender for the Women’s Title

The Participants: Ariel, Molly Holly, Maria, Layla, Ivory, Michelle McCool, Stephanie McMahon, Sable, and Sunny

The women bumped from the Immunity Championship battle royal were instead given this match as a consolation prize, and the winner will be first in line for the women’s championship.

The match is full of talented women, any one of which would be a convincing and credible number one contender – with the exception of maybe Sunny or Sable, but hey, at least their tits are fun to look at, right? That being said, I’m leaning towards either an Ariel or Molly Holly victory, as those two are without a doubt just a notch above the rest. Really, it’s a shame that they were left out of the main event, but I suppose not participating in a Total Anarchy match could just be a blessing in disguise.

Brandon Lee vs. Rob Van Dam

In what’s sure to be a fun grudge match, the similar styles of RVD and Lee make this match fairly unpredictable, especially lacking story or substance. Lee’s brother, Sean Olsen, was a fairly early draft pick for Benny Mouse. That said, Lee is and always has been a star in his own right. The two teamed together one last time at From Dusk ‘Til Dawn, and I’m predicting that Lee will find continued momentum with a victory over RVD. RVD had great success in the UWA, and as much fun as the Whole F’n Show is and always has been, I’m thinking a loss here would hurt Lee far more than it would RVD. (Again though with the rhyming names…)

Jeff Hardy vs. Robby Storm

This is a match I’m just dying to see on PPV…

…said no one, ever.

In a push that’s eerily similar to that of Terry Austin, Mickey continues to try and make Robby Storm a top superstar within his promotion. Of course, “Little Robby” has been a favorite character of Mickey’s for two decades now, first when he was just a throwaway line in a Lance Storm promo, and later when he was revealed to be the mystery attacker behind the assault on Dragonfly.

I will say, I like Storm a lot more than I ever like Terry Austin (rest his soul!) Hardy established himself as a force to be reckoned with in the HCW, and he has main event potential. That being said, I expect Storm’s super push to continue, which includes picking up the win on Dec. 1st.

PWI World Championship – Six-Pack Challenge:

The Participants: Teo vs. Attitude vs. Scott Nash vs. Drakus vs. Petey Williams vs. Rhyno

After putting on a career-defining match at the final installment of From Dusk ‘Til Dawn, Teo and Attitude enter the double main event with the most potential, but also the biggest targets on their backs. Additionally, Rhyno, a perpetual main event star in Mickey-led companies for the past two decades, will be one to watch.

I expect Petey Williams to really stand out in this match, too, though I don’t think he’ll be crowned the champion. In the absence of Dragonfly, Williams may just be one of the best wrestlers on the roster, pound for pound. I wholly expect a future world in which Williams is the PWI Champion, but that will come later.

Scott Nash, arguably the most iconic of the Nash family, will also have a strong showing but it is doubtful he’ll walk out as the heavyweight champion. The same can be said for Drakus, minus that whole “Nash family” bit.

For me it’s a toss-up between Teo and Attitude, but if I had to choose, I’d choose Attitude simply because it makes the most logical sense in progressing the blood feud that is Teo/Attitude. Some would argue that their match at FDTD 3 ended the feud, but booking 101 says it just extended it, with Teo picking up the advantage. That said, I could just as easily see a Teo win.

Regardless of who leaves with the PWI title, the match promises to be a ton of fun.

PWI Women’s Championship

Total Anarchy Match

The Participants: Living Dead Girl, Amazon, Victoria, and Angelina Love

In what many see to be a direct response to Benny Mouse’s heavy-handed promotion of the EWA Knockout’s Division, including the history-making all Knockouts PPV Hell Hath No Fury, we’ll see four of the most talented women in the industry headline PWI’s opening PPV with the first-ever female Total Anarchy match.

The Total Anarchy match is arguably the most famous match under the MMouse Enterprises umbrella. For the first time, we’re going to witness female superstars in Mickey’s most dangerous match.

Amazon is entering the match with the most momentum. After defeating Athena Star for the first time at From Dusk Til Dawn 3, Amazon’s career is back on track. Amazon failed to defeat Athena in their two encounters during the original EWA run. That losing streak ended over the summer, however, and Amazon continues to prove she’s a force to be reckoned with.

That said, Victoria and Angelina Love are no strangers to leading the women’s division, with both scoring prominent title reigns in the UWA and PWI, respectively. Love is arguably just as talented as Athena Star and Amazon and is in my opinion just a notch above Victoria in terms of what she can offer inside the squared circle.

Living Dead Girl presents the true wild card within this match, as the female phenom proves to be a younger and stronger version of Amazon. That being said, as much as an Amazon or Love victory here would make sense, putting the title on LDG or Victoria would be the most unpredictable way to go.

For that reason, I’m predicting that either Victoria or LDG will walk out of Greatness Reborn as the champion, with Amazon and Love hanging around the top of the division until they are given title reigns of their own.

“Greatness Reborn” Mop Up

Perhaps the most anticipated return of the Sixth Era is finally here – that’s right folks, Chris Hyatte here with the official Mop Up for PWI’s Greatness Reborn!

SEGMENT ONE

We kick things off with Mickey’s first professional single since his 90s mix of “No Chance.” After Mickey’s take on Seven Nation Army by the White Stripes, we’re treated to the original and I’m thinking, “Don’t quit your day job, Mr. Mouse.” All kidding aside, the opening promo got me pretty pumped for the PPV, and isn’t that the real purpose?

Following the promo, we get a nice glimpse at the set, which would be pretty nifty were it not obstructed by a giant post. The announcers welcome us to the show and before we know it, we’re an hour deep into the Immunity Championship battle royal. Word to the bookers: That’s too long, bro.

Cesaro, Moxley, and Kevin Owens had an impressive showing, but it was Brock Lesnar who stood tall at the conclusion of the match.

SEGMENT TWO

We’re in the back with Lawrence Mason and Catherine Mouse. Catherine says Teo’s running out of time for apologizing to Terry Austin and his family, and I’m like, what, is he going to come back to life or something? Teo’s got all the time in the world for all that, when ya think about it. Terry is in no hurry for an apology, he’s too busy having his face eaten by worms… whoops, better hope I don’t get sued for that one! #TeoDIdNothingWrong #JusticeForTeo

At ringside, we’re treated to the highly anticipated “Battle of the Bald Guys (w/ Similar Names)” as Kurt Angle and The Fallen Angel Christopher Daniels square off for the first time ever. Although I think the wrong man went over here, I gotta say I was impressed with both Angle and Daniels’ showing.

SEGMENT THREE

We’re in the back with Mason and Teo, and Teo’s echoing my earlier sentiments that his conduct doesn’t require an apology. I mean, com’n, this PC shit is getting out of control! Teo has been unfairly discriminated against for over a month now, all because he dared to express his first amendment right. Terry was a failure, everyone knows it, and #TeoDidNothingWrong!

Up next is the women’s gauntlet to determine the number one contender, and the announcers, like the rest of the world, totally forgot that it was on the card. That’s OK, though, because every few minutes we get to check out a new piece of tail. Oh wait, there I go, being politically incorrect again! In what came as somewhat of a surprise, Stephanie McMahon probably had one of the best outings of her career, dominating for most of the match. Aerial took over where Stephanie left off, going on to win the match.

SEGMENT FOUR

We get a quick video tease for Ascendants before returning to ringside.

Another singles match, this time we have RVD and Brandon Lee. Two guys with similar styles. I don’t have a whole lot to say about this match, it didn’t disappoint me but it also didn’t blow me… away, that is. Olsen and Lee were split up in the draft, probably for the best too, since their career paths have a way of intersecting. Lee picks up the victory and follows through with a post-match beat down, verbally and physically.

SEGMENT FIVE

We get a quick teaser video for PWI’s return to Monday nights, and out next is the Mickey Mouse. Mouse sent his personal “businessman” Harry Pudfucker (I giggle every time they say his name, though I’m not quite sure what a “pud” is. We get a twenty-minute promo that goes in circles, before Harry reveals that the anonymous investor was Blaster and Catherine’s aborted daughter. I had predicted it would be Blaster, and I guess I was part right? Either way, Blaster stuns Mickey and Catherine and we move on with our lives, uncertain on where this goes next. Though the segment did run long, I thought it had some pretty funny moments that saved it for me.

Murrey’s in the back, and he’s still bitching about Teo. In fact, he’s gone so far to remove Teo from the six-pack challenge (coughMassacre6hack). Robbie Storm and Jeff Hardy will determine the sixth and final entrant into the six-pack challenge, as Robbie looks to become the Terry Austin of the modern era. Can I just express that this is complete and utter bullshit? Seriously, let us punish the HEEL because he didn’t apologize to the dead man. BOO!

Jeff Hardy and Robbie Storm put on a better than expected contest, and as a result of Murrey’s announcement and Teo’s refusal to apologize, Hardy secures himself a spot in the six-pack challenge. When we return, we’ll kick things off with the six-pack challenge.

SEGMENT SIX

We’re back with the six-pack challenge, as Jeff Hardy’s already in the ring. Attitude’s next out, followed by Drakus, Petey Williams (perhaps the new odds on favorite with Teo out of the picture), Scott Nash, and Rhyno, who the fans welcomed like it was 2003. I know I joked about the similarities here with a Massacre 6 match, but what differs here is that this is going to be one fall to the finish. The announcers repeat the lie that Teo’s removal of the match was his “own doing,” when truthfully, we all know that #TeoDidNothingWrong.

Petey Williams took some time to call out AJ Styles, even using the Styles Clash. Hardy, despite his tiredness, has a great outing. Teo runs in through the crowd, which resulted in him positioning a double cover. We get the pinfall and there’s confusion – such as, why wasn’t Teo in this match again?? Stamboli, Buffer, and Road Dog can’t agree on who the winner is, and after 35 minutes we get a no contest. The crowd chants “bullshit” and I couldn’t agree more. The only one who’s happy is Teo, who grabs the microphone. Teo said no one but him is leaving as champion, so if he can’t be champion no one can be. That seems pretty fair to me!

SEGMENT SEVEN

We get a preview for Legends before we get ready for our main event, the first-ever women’s Total Anarchy match.

The Hell in a Cell looks a lot more daunting than the one we saw this past summer at From Dusk Til Dawn, so the girls had that going for them. The cage was outfitted in enough barbed wire to cut a nipple off, so hopefully, that doesn’t happen.

We’re treated to one of the best theme songs in all of pro-wrestling as Victoria’s introduced, followed by Angelina Love, who also has some badass theme music IMO. Amazon is out next, and though I’d like to see her leave tonight with the title, I’ll be just as happy with any of the winners. LDG is out next.

In a brutal contest, LDG walks out victorious, and really, we shouldn’t be too surprised to see that wrestling’s female phenom victorious in one of wrestling’s most brutal matches. Murrey’s out to present the title, and we conclude the 4 and half hour show with PWI’s credit sequence, which I admit is a nice touch.

The opening day of the PWI is in the books… until next time!

Hyatte’s Asylum Preview

Opening day has come and gone, but perhaps the bigger head to head battle comes Monday, December 9th when the debut episode of Revolution goes head to head with the debut episode of Asylum.

Before then, however, let’s take a look at the card for Asylum, shall we?

First, we have the PWI Tag Team Championship ladder match, which will kick off the evening. The match features The Guerreros, TNT, The Hardys, YMCA, and the Storms. Ironically enough, both Monday shows will kick off with a ladder match, with Revolution to feature an eight woman Money in the Bank ladder match, with the winner to get a Knockouts Championship match at any time of her choosing.

Of the teams in the PWI tag title match, I’d say the Hardys have the best chance at walking out with the gold.

Next up, Mark Henry is set to take on Kane in what I believe to be Henry’s first match since the early 2000s. He was employed by BWM Inc. in the previous eras and was never featured. Kane is riding a wave of momentum following the Callaway Brothers match at From Dusk Til Dawn, and therefore I think he’s walking out the victor.

Following that, we have a mixed tag team match with Teo and Amazon taking on Attitude and Ariel. All of the above had impressive showings at Greatness Reborn, and though Teo was robbed of the world championship, he was kind enough to make sure that no one else took home his title. Teo and Attitude got into it again at Greatness Reborn, so this match will be filled with the animosity that’s underlined their feud for years. Although I hate to see Attitude suffer another loss so early, I predict that Teo and Amazon will leave the victors.

Next up, we have what I assume will be a non-title match between Victoria, Angelina Love and the Living Dead Girl. If the title is on the line, I imagine LDG will retain. If the belt is not on the line, I predict Angelina Love will win by pinning Victoria. I’d be very surprised to see LDG eat a pinfall at this point in her push.

The Crock Show returns, and I’m sure I’ll have a lot more to say about after I view it. I was always a fan of the Crock Show, so I suspect that so long as he does the hits, the segment will go over well.

Finally, we’re going to crown the PWI Women’s Tag Team Championship with yet another battle royal (hopefully this one isn’t an hour long!) According to the rules, the last two women remaining will be the champions. I’m not entirely sure that is the best way to build a division, but I guess I’ll reserve my judgments until after I see the show. I can’t really make any solid predictions on the winners because I’m unsure of the participants.

I’ll be back following the show with the return of the 3R’s of Wrestling, the Right, the wRong, and the Ridiculous!

The Three R’s of wRestling: The Right, the wRong, and the Ridiculous (Week of 12.09.19)

Welcome to the return installment of the Three R’s of wRestling, I am your host Chris Hyatte. I cannot tell you how thrilled I am to be back to work full time, and with that said, let’s get to the highlights!

The Right:

The Tag Team Ladder Match: There’s a lot that I could say about this match, but focusing strictly on the positives, there’s a couple of things that are worth noting. First and foremost, the breakup of TNT is perhaps the first interesting thing that’s happened to them since their original run. At this point in their careers, Matt and Jeff Hardy truly have nothing left to prove in the tag divisions. They’re superstars, now, which is evident by their separate entrances. (Can we talk about Matt Hardy? WTF? Please don’t delete me, whatever the hell that means!) Eddie and Chavo winning was the right call, in my opinion, for the reasons I just mentioned. Also, for the first time ever, I was actually impressed with Lance Storm! (Has Hell frozen over??)

A Storm Brewing: Admittedly, I missed out on Robbie Storm’s breakout performance last era, but I’ve read all about it. He went from being a reference during every Lance Storm promo to feuding with Dragonfly; that’s a pretty big rise regardless of if you’re a fan. I’m interested in seeing if Robbie will be able to break away from his father entirely, as it’s already arguable that Robbie has surpassed Lance’s career accomplishments already.

Bray Wyatt: “Run!” Talk about a debut! I was initially confused by the decision to put Henry over Kane, but I was willing to live with it. After Bray’s debut, I had totally forgotten about the match’s results. We’ve heard a lot about Wyatt in the build to the Sixth Era, and he’s definitely one that I’ve got my eye on. I look forward to seeing more.

Teo: After scoring another pinball victory of Attitude, Teo’s star continues to rise. I address the tournament below, but taking that out of the equation, the mixed tag team match all but stole the show. Teo’s constantly the best booked part of the show, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the entire roster is jealous of the push Teo continues to receive.

Fresh Faces: Reading on, you’ll see that I had a lot to say about the Crock’s performance, and some criticisms about the overall booking of the women’s battle royal, but I will say this: The biggest positive to come from the tag team battle royal is the look we got at the depth of the PWI’s women’s division.

The wRrong:

The Non-Title Match: Look, I get it, the show was booked months ago… there was no way to know that Living Dead Girl would be the Women’s Champion. That said, this is the first Monday show of the era, and it’s going head to head against a stacked card from the competition. Putting the belt on the line would have added to the match’s marquee value and helped with the title’s prestige, and the result would have been the same.

The Card Placement: I get that the PWI was going for symmetry, kicking things off with the men’s tag titles and ending the show with the women’s, but after we spent the entirety of Greatness Reborn building on the Teo storyline, an audible should have been called and the mixed tag match should have went on last. Also, what sense does it make to put Teo in the premier athlete tournament if he’s being punished for his actions? There are some decisions in the early goings of this company that have not been thought through, and it makes for some annoying inconsistencies.

The Crock Show: I love the Crock as much as the rest of the world, but man, he said it best himself when he said the crowd went too easy on him. Don’t get me wrong, the nostalgia was there and typically this hat trick works more often than it doesn’t, but the segment droned on and the absence of a sidekick to break up the Crock’s antics in a twenty minute rant hurt more than it helped. “I have no material!!!” <– Accurate, and from the host’s mouth himself! The segment was absolutely salvaged by Lesnar’s attack and destroying the set, as everything prior to that was leading nowhere. I hope this is the last we see of the Crock until he has some new material. Nothing personal against the Crock, but in an era that’s filled with so many fresh faces, the old timers shouldn’t eat up time if they’re not willing to put the work in.

The Ridiculous:

The Presentation: I was dismayed to learn that after complaints, the PWI went forward with the same camera angle we had during Greatness Reborn, meaning the hard camera had a nice view of a giant pillar that obstructed the center of the ring for the entirety of the show. Now, I was willing to let it slide during Greatness Reborn – it was their first show in years, and there were bound to be some hiccups. But two shows in a row? (Three if we’re counting Ascendents…) The pillar obstructed the center of the ring during the ladder match, which greatly diminished my enjoyment of the bout because most of the high spots were obstructed by the pillar. I have heard tales that the PWI has corrected this issue moving forward, but it’s hard not to bitch about the pillar. There was also the weird issue with the overhead lights, with us learning that they’ll only be on during the opening contest and the main event… um, what? But why?!?

The “Remarkable Matches” of Mark Henry: I get putting your guys over, but don’t you dare fucking lie to me! During the Kane and Henry bout, Jim Ross made reference to Kane’s storied career. For some reason, Ric Venom chose to add on that Henry’s had some memorable matches over his career, too. Well, Ric, name one, would ya? Because to my knowledge, Henry hasn’t had a match or a significant role in the industry for close to two decades. Yikes, that throwaway line pissed me off!

The Women’s Tag Division: Like most of the world, I was rather intrigued by the idea of a women’s tag team division. Unfortunately, tag divisions are hard to book even when they’re strong, and yet even harder to book when there are no established teams. These women aren’t friends, with the exception of the Royce and Kay, and therefore they’re going to lack chemistry as this division gets going. I think it was a mistake to decide the championship in a battle royal, and that stems from more than just my dislike of battle royals. In a tag team division we need cohesive bonds, and by introducing the division before giving the women time to form teams of their own, we’re left with some sloppy booking that’s more or less a rush to crown the champions. (Crown ’em first, worry about the rest later, I suppose?) The match itself was fine, and the women’s division is strong, but I wish we would have held off with the introduction of these titles, or at least found a different way to do it.

Other notes:

Did I fall asleep during the announcement about the 2019 draft or something? Or was the promo for Asylum (which should have been dated for the 6th of January and not “next week”) the first mention of it? Either way, I’m all for it though it seems a little soon since the rosters will have had only one show a piece prior to shaking them up again. Oh, those whacky Mouses! Also, was the Ascendants promo wrong, or are we getting Scorpion vs. Aliestar Black part two?

The Three R’s of wRestling

PWI Legends (Dec. 17, 2019)

The Right:

2020 Vision: Well, almost… let’s just say that starting with Ascendants prior, the view is **MUCH** better and I appreciate being able to see 80% of the match as opposed to 50%. That’s a thirty percent improvement, and I’ve got to give credit where credit is due.

Press Conference: This was a mixed bag to me, but for the most part I’m going to put it in this category simply because it was something different, and I can appreciate that. It was reminiscent of the old cabinet meetings, or mid-show Catherine press conferences of the days of yesteryear. I can dig.

Teo/Catherine: Teo’s my boy, you all know that. I would describe my feelings for him similar to the ones I had for Dragonfly in the UWA. Teo continues to do the tweener act right, and puts Catherine in her place. Teo promises to become the champion at the end of the tournament, and until I have reason not to, I think I believe him.

The Main Event: I have been reluctant to embrace the push of Petey Williams, and I was secretly incredulous when AJ Styles (willingly, I should say) did the job to him at From Dusk Til Dawn in that hellacious match, but I was impressed with this match. Williams, Hardy and Nash paid homage to their HCW roots, and what can I say, I’m a sucker for the subtext and nostalgia…

The wRong:

E-Dawg/Taven: I think the interview was meant to hype Matt’s upcoming match with RVD, but E-Dawg was in rare form tonight, and not in the best way. Matt Taven says he’s Matt Taven and RVD isn’t, and that’s nice and all, but E-Dawg completely undersells it for the sweet hottie in the corner. Holla! It totally sucked the wind out of me leading into Taven’s victory over RVD – which was the right booking move, don’t get me wrong, but somehow felt cheapened. Even the roulette stipulation didn’t bring it back for me. Still, I’m hoping for great things in Taven’s future.

Haven vs. McCool: I know what you’re thinking, how could I diss on my girl Michelle, right? Well, you trippin’, boo (see, E-Dawg, I can be a jackass, too!) There was absolutely nothing wrong with that match, and Haven’s side quest push continues. The problem was, it was just average, and in an era that’s dominated by women’s wrestling, average isn’t going to get you TV time on a roster the size of PWI’s.

The Women’s Tag Division: Ric Venom took the words right out of my mouth when he said that Bliss and Carmella were just kind of thrown together; and I mean, Ivory and Holly you could say the same. I know that the payoff could be worth it if we could suffer through the setup of a division that I think exists purely as a lazy way to showcase an extra women’s match here and there. I also have high hopes for Bliss’s singles future, but I know that one of the disadvantages to a large women’s roster is the slow rolling of all the new talent and I really am trying to be patient with it…

The Ridiculous:

Press Conference: Remember when I said I’d revisit this later? Well, friends… it’s later… first and foremost, I can only imagine the look on Mickey’s face watching his “chairman” Jeff Murrey go out there and WILLINGLY eat crow. Murrey tried to spin the negatives into a positive, and the announcement of the fifth show specials was a nice touch, but in this era, innovation is what sells, and Benny and the EWA have promoted all shows as PPV level; this is the PWI’s way of doing the same. Which again, isn’t inherently a bad thing, but we’re going to see levels of petty this era the likes of which we’ve never seen (see the announcers referencing the count out rule) – and to be clear, this pettiness will come from both sides, especially with ratings so close.

The Three R’s of wRestling (PWI’s The Spotlight 12.28.19)

The Right:

The Curious Case of The Crock: You may recall, I was pretty harsh on the Dec. 9th edition of The Crock Show. My criticisms were echoed elsewhere on the internet, and in what I am sure was a last minute idea, the Crock stole the show with his backstage segments throughout the night. When Crock is on his A Game, he works well. This was an example of that, and I am curious to see how the Crock’s continued search to find his mojo plays out.

Moxley and Scrull: The PWI scored an absolute win with the signing of Jon Moxley, and if the likes of Samoa Joe received the same sort of booking, I’d have a lot less to complain about. Since the kickoff of this era, the PWI has treated Moxley as if he’s a bonafide superstar, and for damn good reason. Sure, his wife is *allegedly* fond of Benny Mouse’s chestnuts, but I do find it curious that Young has never once broached that subject to confirm or deny.

Slammu: You can never go wrong with an appearance by Slammu, and I think the PWI’s booking of him in his new role of commissioner has been solid. Slammu’s held administrative roles before, but absence makes the heart grow fonder and damn did my heart miss his silly shark voice. Glad to see you, Slammu, let’s not make a habit of it, though…

The Main Event: Rayne and Taya Valkyrie tore the place down, and the match managed to just barely edge out Paige and Maria from earlier in the evening as my favorite of the night. Now, I address the downsides of having two show-stealing women’s matches below, but for the purpose of this category, this match had everything I’d want for a PPV-style main event, including Murrey’s surprise decree. The talent is definitely there, and this was an example of that at its finest. Both promise to be major players in the immediate future, and that’s a pretty impressive declaration when you consider the talent in the division.

The wRong:

Taz/Samoa Joe: Following the implosion of TNT, Taz found himself in need of a singles victory to make him look good as he heads into an all out brawl with his former partner, HHH. I am fine with Taz picking up a win for that reason, but I would have chosen a different opponent. Yes, I know that not everyone can enter with a prolonged winning streak, but I was hoping for more for poor Joe. Hopefully a month from now no one remembers that he jobbed to Taz, but I suppose that’s going to depend on how things play out from here in terms of his win/loss record.

Billy Gunn vs. The Bossman: What year is it? Because 20 years ago, this would have made for a helluva mid-card title feud. But today, it serves as a reminder that the Bossman’s best days in the ring are behind him. Now, he has a knack for the comedy angles, don’t get me wrong (I laughed my ass off when he said he was a cop… seriously, over two decades of playing a character has left our friend confused, or so it’d seem…) I would have been fine with this match on Ascendents, but for a PPV caliber show, it didn’t live up to my expectations. (And I wasn’t expecting much!)

Card Placement: I feel like the booking was all over the place; weaker segments were left without companion pieces that would have otherwise saved them. For example, how are Chaz and Wade Barrett expected to follow Scrull and Moxley?? Had this segment been paired with the Crock’s backstage antics, it would have been a bit more memorable.

The Ridiculous:

Layla vs. Sunny and Rose vs. Vega: I always feel badly when I have to place a perfectly acceptable wrestling match in this category, but when the action is as strong as it’s been in the women’s division, “perfectly fine” essentially amounts to “not good enough.” I’ve been hard on the PWI’s female tag division, but if I were booking, I’d put both of these women in said division rather than the likes of Molly Holly and Alexa Bliss. Sadly, this was probably Sunny’s best outing of her career thus far, which spans back quite a ways. Still, that being said, the match fell flat to me. It’s card placement did not help. The same criticisms that apply to the aforementioned match apply to Mandy Rose and Vega’s encounter. These two matches were completely upstaged by Paige/Maria and the evening’s main event. When you’ve got two stellar women matches on a card with two average ones, it makes the average ones seem a lot worse by comparison.

The Three R’s of wRestling (PWI’s Asylum 1.6.20)

The Right:

The Immunity Challenge: So, I wanted to hate this, because when Murrey announced it, it sounded a little convoluted. And don’t get me wrong, on paper, it was an absolute clusterfuck. But in practice, what we got was a fun exhibition that was a unique take on a multi-person match. The hardcore nature of it never hurts, especially in an era that’s seemingly shying away from that style. Really fun opening segment in which the “qualifying” portion could have went much longer and I would have been thrilled. Confused by the booking choice, especially with the continuity of Shamrock’s disdain for Lesnar, but I’m willing to see where it goes.

Mickey Mouse: I’ve missed Mickey, and his shots at Benny were more than fair. Murrey interrupts, and Mickey accuses him of nearly killing the industry. Murrey brings up the LWF, and I agree with Mickey, it REALLY was a flash in the pan. Mickey brags about having shares when Murrey doesn’t (hey, Benny, toss Murrey a share or two? He’s gotta pay for those toupees somehow, right?) They fight over big heads for a moment before Murrey says he’s here because he cares. Mickey reveals he’s been cahooting with Lesnar all along, and Lesnar makes his presence felt once more.

The Main Event: Letting the women close the show was the right call, especially on Mickey’s show. He’s been accused of not caring about that sort of thing as much as Catherine and Benny, so good on him for shutting that down. Secondly, I love that the title was on the line, that added to the prestige and I just love this new era of excitement that a shortened PPV schedule allows. Living Dead Girl was able to retain her championship in a hell of a match (better than any the men had to offer) and LDG made it clear that she’s not done with Angelina Love. Between this and the ongoing Emma and Ivelisse feuds, I’m happy with the state of the Asylum’s singles division amongst the women.

The wRong:

Overexposure: I don’t envy the bookers, because I am, admittedly, a tough critic to please. That being said, I think that the Mickey and Murrey segment was just slightly hindered because Lesnar’s presence already had the wind sucked out. If I’m writing this show, the takeaway here is Mickey and Lesnar’s alliance – an alliance that will undoubtedly have large implications and ramifications. That’s what mattered tonight, more so than Lesnar proving he can beat up Daniels. Though I enjoyed his confrontation with Shamrock, and I’d be happy with it if it were Lesnar’s only appearance, I was left underwhelmed when Mickey went for the reveal, even if the writing that got us to the moment was well thought.

The Ridiculous:

Send ‘Em Back to Heaven… um, WHAT?: So, I think… I think… I think I hate a Taste of Heaven. I about tossed my television when Zevon delivered what I hope was a one off catchphrase. Look, I know I’ve been hard on this division, but it’s because I’m still not convinced that it needs to exist. Yes, I understand the goal it stands to serve in showcasing women outside of the title picture, but those feuds can exist without tag wrestling. For A Taste of Heaven to act as if Holly and Ivory are some experienced team when they’ve wrestled, what, one match together? Two tops? The champs continue to enjoy their push with the least compelling bout so far, and I’m thinking I’d rather have a root canal. (DID YOU KNOW SHE’S A DENTIST?!)

E-Dawg: Am I wrong, or are we past the day of the whacky interviewer? Sure, I can accept a gimmick, but when the backstage personality shines brighter than the talent he’s there to introduce, it becomes a problem. I know next to nothing about Ivelisse, and I’d like to. That interview didn’t help me learn, and that’s unfortunate because she’s one I want to know more about. There’s a ton of potential there, and all throughout her match, I kept thinking about E-Dawg… there’s just no real reason for E-Dawg to be sucking up heat from a new or upcoming talent. (Wanna pull that shit with The Crock, Teo, or another veteran promo? I could stomach it. This? Not so much.) The match was fine, and I purposefully don’t mention it elsewhere because I think it was so overshadowed by the comedy segment. I like to laugh, but as I’ve noted, I really want to know more about this woman, especially since her feud with Emma will continue.

The Three R’s of wRestling (PWI Live! The Return Show)

The Right:

The Women’s Division: Now, I know what you’re going to be thinking once you get to the next section. You’re going to think I’m contradicting myself, but I promise, I’m not. I enjoyed seeing Sable, Sunny, Maria, Stephanie, and Blayze in the opening contest, and yes, I think the match concept is a little much, but the PWI has done a great job of fleshing out the women’s division (in this particular area, the PWI has bested the Knockout’s Division, which admittedly has had less time to give the division as much exposure.) Overall, the division has been the best booked in the company, and even though the match had some weak spots, the women deserve credit for creating a competitive division.

Bray Wyatt: In Wyatt’s best performance on the microphone of the era, Wyatt tells Kane that he has no family now, and he’s no longer got the option to “run.” FRED in the background, menacing as ever, as a breath of fresh air in his character not since seen since his original introduction. Smart booking here, as Wyatt is instantly a superstar with FRED in his “family.”

Tag Team Gauntlet: I debated where to place this segment because I think it teetered on the right and the wRong; the Storms were fun to watch, getting a clean win over The Untouchables. (The story of the Storms coming together is low key one of the most wholesome stories in all of pro wrestling.) American Alpha’s debut was also a fun little surprise, though I again question the booking, having them eat the pin. Then, we’re treated to the debut of The War Raiders, only for the Storms to pull off the upset. (The overall booking of the division has been unsatisfying, however, with the Hardyz forced back together — we never did get an explanation on the whole “delete” chant Matt got the first night; I wanted to see those guys go their separate ways. Instead, they’re now playing second fiddle to The War Raiders, making me question what the point was in the first place.)

Samoa Joe/Taz: There are times where superstars with similar movesets/wrestling styles just don’t click, but this wasn’t one of them. Joe looked like a star tonight, and Taz did what a guy his age should be doing – putting the younger stars over. Taz deserves credit for his hard work thus far this era, as he seamlessly transitioned from tag wrestler to singles wrestler, and from singles wrestler to grizzled veteran. Good stuff.

Amazon vs. Angelina Love: The year was 2008. Amazon worked her ass off to make Miss Athena Star a legitimate wrestling superstar. The duo were the first women to headline a Monday show, and their two matches over as many months really elevated Star. That’s what this entire match reminded me of; though, admittedly, Love is probably better positioned than Star was circa 2008. With the added interest of the ongoing Allure storyline, Love’s quest for the gold is bound to be interrupted in the near future. Good stuff, and Amazon again proves she’s still every bit the pro she always was.

The wRong:

Make or Break Fatal 5-Way: I want to emphasize that there is, on paper, nothing wrong with this match and or concept. My problem with the booking is as follows: We’ve already seen these convoluted stipulations with the Ascendant’s matches; one of which forced Billy Gunn into retirement and the other of which allowed someone to slingshot to the main roster, in spite of the already somewhat convoluted rules involving how someone moves to the main roster. In other words, it’s just a lot to follow and a lot to continually ask of the fans. The men’s match, featuring The Best Mike O’Malley, Test, Ken Shamrock, Scott Nash and Triple H, was the wrong choice for the show’s main event, as it was never going to live up to the women’s match. I also find it slightly curious that one of these men, all advertised to have never won a match, will suddenly get a world title shot over those who are arguably more deserving. Again, it’s the convoluted booking that I take issue with, not the fact that these B- players are getting the shot to get their grades up. (Another issue I had was Ross continuously repeating that the stars were “fighting for their careers, presumably” when Murrey himself likely doesn’t know what he’s going to do to punish the losers. It felt slightly disingenuous, and again, the card placement didn’t help.) And surely, I’m not the only person who has no interest in seeing O’Malley job to Teo, right?? I have similar criticisms about Murrey’s post-match announcement, but there’s no sense in repeating myself.

Alexa Bliss: I want so badly to like Bliss, she’s talented and she’s got charisma. But there’s something about her booking that has put me off, and I’m also just not buying her on the same level as some of the other top women, such as Angelina Love, Living Dead Girl, Amazon, etc. She’s just not there yet, though I’m wholly confident she’ll get there. Her decision to announce herself as a finalist for next year’s tournament is some long term booking, but in turn, it books the entire tournament into a corner. It also seemed like a premature time to announce this, as the dust has barely settled from the Premier Athlete tournament that just concluded.

The Ridiculous:

Billy Lee: I don’t understand what’s happening here. Billy Who? He’s a former WPW “star?” He’s a “Wrestling Legend?” And now his name is Fitz Riot, the Elite Manager/Managing God? I hate everything about this dude, and I think the “Elite” does not need a mouth piece. Miz is a natural born trash talker, and Morrison is smooth as hell in the ring. Sticking him with this random mouthpiece, while a nice homage to the forgotten art of managers, did absolutely nothing for me.

PWI Live Champion’s
Showcase Mop Up

The wrestling world is still reeling from Monday’s historic ratings battle between PWI Live Champion’s Showcase and Retro Revolution; but before we can look ahead to the fallout, we must first take a look at PWI’s latest broadcast in this, the return of my infamous Mop Up! While everyone’s still buzzing about Retro Revolution, Showcase offered some highlights of its own, which, unfortunately for MMouse Enterprises, failed to generate the same kind of buzz/praise. That said, the show was good in its own right, and I’m glad that I finally got around to watching (if only so I can sit here and criticize it mercilessly.)

SEGMENT ONE:

Before the show kicks off, we’re treated to the return of “The Crock Show Investigates,” which this week is all about locating Mickey, who’s still reeling from his team’s loss at Fate’s Resurrection. (Mickey seems to be reeling from losses quite a bit these days, but that’s rather here nor there.) Crock promises to get to the bottom of things, at which he is a self-proclaimed expert.

We’re shown a brief video reminding us that there’s an ongoing global pandemic; damn guys, way to bring down the mood. Ross and Venom are at ringside and all titles are on the line tonight! They hype up the show, including a “main event” that features Mike O’Malley. 💩

The Women’s Immunity Champion Asuka makes her way to the ring with her plump little friend James E. Cornette, who sounds like a trans Southern Belle. Maria comes to the ring to answer the challenge, and we know how this match is going to end before it starts. Nothing against Maria, as she’s been an under looked talent for years now, but this is just not an even challenge. Maria puts up a better fight than expected, but ultimately this thing ends as it started: Me singing along to Asuka’s music, which is currently one of my favorite theme songs.

SEGMENT TWO:

In the back, Lance Storm says he trusts his boy; Robbie says greatness is in their blood and they’re going to take the titles and run with it. Lance says Robbie had him at “take this championship,” which was essentially the last thing he said. I admit, I’ve been critical of Robbie’s mega push in the last era, but this team – it’s working, and it’s working well. Good stuff.

Mason is standing by with the Immunity Champion Brock Lesnar, and like the announcers earlier in the evening, he’s hyping up Lesnar’s reign. Mason says Lesnar is expected to hold the title through the end of the season, which means that depending on his mystery opponent, he’s likely losing. (There’s foreshadowing, and then there’s treating the audience like we’re stupid.) Lesnar says he’s not the ‘next big thing’ and is now the BEAST. Mason says Lesnar’s the big thing, and I can’t help but picture Mason with a bathroom spy cam…

Ross says we’re looking in the women’s restroom… um… er… I think he means the women’s locker room, since there isn’t a toilet in sight. Bliss interrupts a bunch of women to continue her Goddess Appreciation Party, and Sasha Banks drops a Hard T-Bomb to Amazon after Bliss walks off. The women say someone needs to put Bliss in her place, which just so happens to be my lap.

Back at ringside, we’re set for the men’s Immunity Championship match. The champion makes his way out first, which strengthens my predictions that we’re about to witness a title change. The announcers continue to hype up Lesnar’s reign, until the modern day Terry Austin, AKA Petey Williams. He’s cashing in one of his Premier Athlete Tournament title matches, and the two have an above average match that sees William’s win the Immunity Championship. One has to wonder what’s next for Lesnar, I’d imagine he’ll transition into the world title scene sooner rather than later.

SEGMENT THREE:

Backstage, the YMCA are working out, hoping to achieve greatness with just a few more headstand pushups. “It burns, it burns!” Slave exclaims, and he’s talking about his muscles, not his gonnereaha. B-Rad sad he’ll always be Mr. Slave to him, and together they can do great things. They’re attacked by AOP, and we transition from a comedy segment to a horror show as AOP hit the Super Collider. Hey, a tag team side feud that doesn’t revolve around the title? I’m not bitching.

The tag champs are backstage. Eddie says they’re not worried about the Storms, because they’ve weathered plenty of storms… ha… Eddie says they’re going to put the Storms down just like the Hardyz, and Mason is left looking confused by the one Spanish word Eddie muttered to him.

Enforcecutioner is in the back, and the Crock is hot on his trail. Crock says the investigation is just heating up, and he encounters a pooping Matt Taven. Hey, take that paycheck where you can get it, right Taven?

The Storms and Latino Heat deliver arguably the most entertaining tag match of the era thus far, and the Storms manage to pull off a hell of an upset. I do wonder what happens to the ongoing rivalry between the Guerreros and the Hardy Boys, now that the titles are out of the equation. I wouldn’t be surprised if the belts are hot potatoed back to the Guerreros in the near future, but I’m going to enjoy the Storm’s run while it lasts.

SEGMENT FOUR:

Backstage, Bray Wyatt says that his latest child to join the family was a lost soul, and that people started to doubt him. (Um, what? You lose one match and you’re broken?) Bray says FRED asked for a seat at the family table as the camera pans out to show Braun and Scarecrow. Wait, if he asked for the seat, why didn’t you let him sit at the table?! The promo goes on for about 40 seconds too long, as Bray says that terrible things await in the darkness. Follow the buzzards or become a firefly, Bray says, and I’ve officially lost track of what he’s talking about.

LayCool is in the back with Mason. Can I just say how proud I am of Layla and McCool? Both have stepped up their game in this new era, and McCool says she’s going to make Benny regret letting the PWI sign her. (Looking at the ratings chart for the fourth segments from both shows, I can’t help but notice that more than 350,000 fans switched over to watch 4:20 and Rousey/Jax, but yeah, I’m sure Benny’s really upset… I kid, I kid. They really do have some talent, and I’m glad they’re getting a chance to run with the proverbial ball.)

Fitz Riot is in the back with The Elite, the Miz and Morrison. I hate everything about this, and insider sources at PWI keep telling me to let it play out. Fitz says he’s booked The Elite for the Ascendants Extravaganza, but he doesn’t clarify for what. Again, these guys do not need a hype guy, and they’re more than capable of carrying a team on their own. Please, I’d take Terry Austin (may he RIP) over this midget. Miz and Morrison get goofy and Ross asks, “What in the actual hell?” My thoughts too, Jim.

It’s time for the Women’s Tag Team Championship and can I just say, I hate Taste of Heaven’s music? Beyonce aint getting me hyped, bro, she’s putting me to sleep. The announcers explain to us how title matches work on Mondays vs. PPVs, because, you know, it isn’t the PWI if it isn’t as difficult to follow as possible. The match was inoffensive, and the champions retain. Again, as I’ve stated earlier, I came down hard on this division, but it’s slowly but surely coming together. Layla wins the match with an homage to Terry Austin, and I swear, he’s more over in death than he ever was alive.

SEGEMENT FIVE:

We get a short teaser for Motivation VII before the Crock finally stumbles upon Enforcer and Mickey. He tells him he can help get Mickey’s story out, and that he’s insisting on social distancing. Crock says he needs answers, and Executioner steps aside and Crock enters a dark room. An agitated Mickey says he’s been underestimated for years, you know, as he’s only the most celebrated wrestling promoter of all time. Mickey says Dragonfly failed him, and he’s tired of failure. He starts talking about himself in the third person, and now I’m thinking we might want to send a team to check on Mickey because his mental breakdown, unlike Benny’s, is happening live on television. Mickey says he’s going to retake it all and he’s going to show the world what he’s made of. (It wasn’t enough that he showed Jane Mouse?) Mickey says everyone is a virus, and he goes off on a rant about Motivation. Oh man, this is starting to sound a lot like the Wyatt promo… we get a cool silhouette shot as Mickey cackles until the camera cuts.

Mason is backstage with Blayze as she sets to challenge for the Women’s Championship. Blayze says she’s seen a lot of challenges, and she’s trained a lot of the industry’s top stars. Blayze says tonight’s her night, and she’ll be leaving as champion.

In arguably the best match of the night, Living Dead Girl continues her championship reign with a decisive victory over A-Blayze. Watching this match made me realize how excited I am for the inevitable encounter between Living Dead Girl and Asuka, because at this point, she might be the only one who can stop the destruction.

SEGMENT SIX:

Teo is in the back with Mason, and he says that he predicted he’d be the first champion and his prediction came true. Teo laughs because not only did he defeat Attitude, he also beat Petey Williams. Teo congratulates Williams on winning the Immunity Championship, but says that’s about the best he can ever hope for. Teo says he’s the only one to lead this company, and I can’t say I disagree.

O’Malley is in the back for his pre-match interview, and I use the chance to take a much needed piss.

Teo makes easy work of O’Malley, as he should. Teo’s celebration is short lived, as Petey Williams comes out and says he’s cashing in a title match right now. Teo tells Petey he’s okay with that, but he should probably be more aware of his surroundings. El Gigante comes returns, coming to the aide of Teo. Teo defeats Williams again, and we learn Gigante is now Teo’s bodyguard, thanks to Mickey as the credits hit.

PWI’s Showcase Rebound
Mop Up

Because if one special-themed episode of Showcase wasn’t enough, the PWI’s back this week with Showcase Rebound. Showcase is looking to rebound alright, as last week’s ratings loss to Retro Revolution was emphatic and devastating. Will Showcase Rebound pull it off? (Spoiler Alert from the future: No, they won’t)

We kick things off with Dragonfly arriving, before we go right into the opening video package.

Ross and Venom are at ringside, and after the pyro they welcome us to another night of action. We’ve got six matches tonight, including a handicap match with FRED and the return of Rhyno. It’s ironic that following the show Chairman Murrey would go on to lament the EWA’s use of ‘legends’ and special attractions, all while we’re treated to teasers of the three top stars of the UWA. Oh well, hypocrisy in wrestling is nothing new, and Murrey’s not the only guilty party so I’m gonna let it slide.

Alexa Bliss is angry that the broadcasters said her Goddess Party last week was in the women’s bathroom. Personally, I think it’s a great place for a party. If you get thirsty, you can drink from a sink. You can wash your hands after eating cake and if you gotta poop, the party doesn’t have to stop! She says Amazon disrespected her, while calling her a fossil and saying that like the dinosaurs, she’s gonna be extinct. Man, remind me not to ruin this woman’s party in the future; she’s vicious. Sasha Bank’s music is enough for Amazon to get the victory off the distraction, and it looks like Bank’s rumored exit will feature a mini-feud with Bliss to presumably help put her over. I’m happy Amazon got a win; I’d hate to see her put to pasture or used solely as an enhancement talent. I know there are a lot of fresh faces, but the fans are practically begging for one last nostalgia run before the aforementioned happens.

LayCool are in the back, and they say the tag team titles are just the beginning. Because in the future they’re going to be super duper ultra tag team champions? Or even the men’s tag team champions?! Seriously, what more could a team want? (Spoiler Alert for 30 seconds from now: It’s the Women’s Championship and Immunity Championship they want…)

Matt and Jeff are having a moment backstage. Matt says he doesn’t know if this tag team should continue, as we’re reminded that we were teased a break up months ago before their feud started with the Guerreros. Jeff offers to be his emotional support because Matt’s feeling a little insane from the pressure. I like where this is going, and I’m totally fine with them breaking up, but please do not subject me to another brother vs. brother feud. We saw it in the HCW if I recall correctly, and if not, it feels like we did because this always happens with brother teams.

Jackie Mouse is trying to leave when she’s stopped by her mother Catherine. Jackie’s still upset that Catherine pushed her out and then, well, pushed her out… (See what I did there? It was a joke about Catherine being pregnant and then putting her up for adoption!) Catherine wants one more chance, Jackie’s not convinced. She takes off as Catherine yells, “Come on, Jackie!” and again, as always, I’d like to try that…

Next we’re treated to a women’s tag team ladder match for a contract to face the champions. We got the Comic Book Men, The Agency, and the Allure. Jokes about their names aside, Starfire and Thundra looked good, but anyone with eyes know that the Allure has this one in the bag. A month ago I could have foreseen a victory from The Agency, but they’ve lost a bit of steam here as of late whereas Gallows and Velvet Sky have picked some up. I got to admit, I’m a big fan of tag ladder matches, what can I say, I love the chaos. Oh yeah, did I mention Ivory and Molly Holly were in this match? If I didn’t it’s because their careers are going nowhere memorable, which is a huge shame for Holly.

After the match, the Rayne, on behalf of the Allure again confronts Angelina Love. We can barely see their heads for the first half of the segment, and Love says she’s “past the Allure.” Rayne has an issue with that, and says she can read her mind. She says Love use to be on top of the world, but now she can’t cut it. She needs them, arguably more than they need her. Rayne says Love will come around.

In the back, Bray Wyatt looks like he’s ready to swallow the camera when he starts rambling again. The time is now, he says, to make us choose the light in the darkness. He’s willing to show us the darkness, but it’s gotta be under his terms. I’ll take a pass. He continues his ominous warning to hype up the impending squash match…

…and FRED easily defeats Mr. Perfect and Jim Neidhart, as if there were ever any doubt. I do wonder why they chose to book him against two random jobbers rather than a low card tag team. At least create the illusion of a contest, ya know? (Also, how humorous is it to see the elderly Neidhart enter the ring to a gangsta theme behind him? He’s hip, he swears!)

After the match, Drakus no sells a sign that says “RUN.”

Mason is backstage with the Storms. The tag champs are in a good mood as Robbie Storms calls Lance “one of the best dads in the world.” He forgives his dad for making him a child star, and the two head to ringside.

The Business Man Harry Puddphucker; I just can’t with that name, for what it’s worth. Jackie says she can’t do it anymore. Catherine keeps trying to talk to her, and Jackie can’t keep ignoring her. (Remember earlier when she said she was leaving?) Business Man offers to let her help with paper work, because that’s the solution to all of life’s troubles…

Moxley continues to rage, presumably about the allegations involving his wife, as he attacks Mike O’Malley. Moxley deserves better than whatever this is.

Lance Storm and Robbie manage to retain their titles even after Robbie betrays his father. I must admit, I saw this coming a mile away – their breakup, that is – but I do question the timing. For the first time in his career, Robbie is getting over; more so than his extended feud with Dragonfly. He’s on the cusp of something, but if it’s rushed, it’s going to hurt him more than it helps him. Obviously we can’t put the genie back in the bottle here, but we can pump the brakes. We’ll see how it goes.

The next segment, Fitz Riot introduced “The Dirt Sheet Review,” where he rambles about the tag division for several minutes. I’m reminded of the Miz’s brief run during the ECW, where he feuded with Metal Head for a shot at the Undisputed Championship… all of my friends inside the creative team at PWI *promise* me that they payoff will be worth it, but all I can think of is how far the Miz has fallen, and how unfortunate it is that Morrison will slide with him…

Teo and Attitude bump into one another. Attitude wants another shot at Teo, but Teo isn’t just going to give it away for free. Attitude says if he loses, he will retire! Teo grants the match for Motivation 7; and the main event is presumably set. (Although the winner of Rhyno and McIntyre will also be in the equation, though that’s an obvious B plot that hasn’t happened yet.) El Gigante appears again, intimidating Attitude and protecting Teo. I like this pairing.

Taz and Samoa Joe continue their feud with a backstage brawl. I originally thought that Taz was preparing for one final singles run, but now I’m thinking he was momentarily built up so creative could feed him to Joe. And judging by the looks of Joe, he’ll take the snack, no questions asked. All jokes aside, Joe should come out shining a little brighter when this is through, and Taz will likely slip away into obscurity, where he’s spent the bulk of his career.

We get a nice shot of Drew McIntyre’s package before Executioner/Enforcer #2 interupts with a message from Mickey. He wants to thank McIntyre for his efforts a War Games, but he also needs him to stop Teo from ending Attitude’s career. McIntyre gladly accepts that his match is now a number one contender’s match, and he and Rhyno put on a long back and forth match that ends in a draw… because of course, we need Rhyno in the main event in 20fucking20. Sorry, I can’t stand this man, and unless he reinvents himself HCW style, that’s likely to continue.

Dragonfly sits down with Lenny Mouse. In a long interview that I could have watched for an hour, Dragonfly says that he was on the outs with Mickey after losing to Randy Orton at From Dusk Til Dawn. He said that it was obvious to him that he was replaced in Mickey’s eyes by Teo, and it never set well with him when Mickey called Teo the future. Dragonfly says the from here on out, he’s only looking out for number one. (He’s number one, by the by…) Great interview and great segment.

It’s main event time, and Living Dead Girl has issues an open challenge. Victoria accepts, and as soon as I get over my disappointment that we didn’t get a new star here (seemed like an opportune time) I realize how good it is to see Victoria again. I also want to take this time to compliment, again, the work the PWI has done with the women’s division. We’ve got five or six established main event talents; all of which would make a credible threat for the title. Ultimately, LDG gets herself disqualified and just like that, Victoria’s back in the picture!

Before the show closes, Murrey holds a rambling press conference; in which he takes no questions from the press. He announced that the seventh installment of Motivation will take place over two nights, because of course it will. I sigh as I realize I’m never going to get around to binging Tiger King on Netflix with all this wrestling, but I am curious to see how we fill a two-night PPV card without the addition of a bunch of filler.

BWM Inc. Home

Monday, 12 May 2008

Tuesday, 29 April 2008

· Money to be Made

Saturday, 26 April 2008

· More With Mickey

Thursday, 24 April 2008

· In Response to Mickey…

Wednesday, 23 April 2008

Wednesday, 23 April 2008

· PRESS RELEASE: BENNY MOUSE’S ANNOUNCEMENT

Wednesday, 30 January 2008

Monday, 05 November 2007

Monday, 29 October 2007

· Tales From the Turnbuckle

08.14.08

07.04.08

06.06.08

06.02.08

05.13.08

05.12.08

04.29.08

04.26.08

04.28.08

The Elite Wrestling Alliance

…this IS professional wrestling…

Official Theme Song for No Boundaries IV

Exclusive EWA.com Interview with Splinter

EWA Chairman Benny Mouse interview

Revolution Returns

Welcome to the new ewa.com

Breaking News: HCW Star Appears on Revolution

The 3 R’s of Wrestling

News, Scuttlebutt, and rumors

Bloodshot 2009 mop up

The 3 R’s of Wrestling – 2/9/09

The 3 R’s of Wrestling – 2/2/09

2009 Royal Rumble Mop Up

News, Scuttlebutt, and Rumors with Chris Hyatte

UWA Motivation 4 Mop Up

UWA Survivor Series 2008 Mop Up

USWA Bedlam Mop Up

Hyatte’s Bedlam Preview

In the aftermath…

Summerslam Mop Up

Summerslam Preview

Tumultuous Inequity Mop Up

Hyatte’s TI Predictions

SARS!

News, Scuttlebutt, and Rumors w/ Chris Hyatte

The Big Two Becomes The Big Four

This Week in Professional Wrestling…

Another Close Call

Why Revolution’s Win Feels Like a Loss

Getting The World Talking…

War Between Brothers Heating Up

Hyatte’s Early “Second Coming” Predictions

News, Scuttlebutt, and Rumors W/ Chris Hyatte

UWA, HCW Prepare for Battle

“Greatness Reborn” Preview

By CHRIS HYATTE | 11.3.19

“Greatness Reborn” Mop Up

Hyatte’s Asylum Preview

The Three R’s of wRestling

The Three R’s of wRestling (PWI’s The Spotlight 12.28.19)

The Three R’s of wRestling (PWI’s Asylum 1.6.20)

The Three R’s of wRestling (PWI Live! The Return Show)

PWI Live Champion’s Showcase Mop Up

PWI’s Showcase ReboundMop Up

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PWI Live Champion’s
Showcase Mop Up

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Mop Up