July 3rd, 2022
The following press release was issued by the Chairman of Mmouse Enterprises, Mickey M. Mouse Junior:
“At 5:04pm yesterday evening, a piss-ant named Camden took some shots at me that he thought I would ignore. Well, let’s assess and respond to his bit of propaganda piece by piece, shall we?
‘Hello wrestling fans,
First, a big thank you!’
First and foremost, this is a weird way to start a press release! I mean, why the hell are you thanking them when they have yet to look at what you have to offer? Don’t you think you should wait to see what your buyrates are? Sheesh. Amateur.
‘Remember that old Simpsons episode where Krusty the Clown stays on the air 24 hours a day, alone in the desert through public broadcasting? He was the only game in town. The audience didn’t have a choice. Did that make the show the best? Did it prove the best content? No. Not at all. This is what the wrestling world has received from Mmouse Enterprises.’
So…we are talking about the Simpsons now? I am far superior to what Krusty’s character ever could have dreamed of. I am the kind of guy that presidents call for donations and to see if I can help get the word out for them during a broadcast. I am a star-maker. Krusty the Clown? Bitch, please! I am fucking King Kong in this analogy!
‘Have you ever wondered why their roster throughout the years seemed to be related to famous people?’
Um…that’s because a lot of my talent often are, buddy.
‘I mean HBK doesn’t have fifty brothers.’
No shit, Sherlock. Truth is, if Camden actually paid attention he would have remembered that I NEVER claimed that HBP, HB, or HBB were related to HBK. They were related to each other, but not Shawn Michaels. This is, of course, ignoring the fact that the Heartbreak brothers – HBP and HB specifically – became far more famous in the USWA than what HBK in the WWF could have ever dreamed of. Next!
‘Every famous star like Kane doesn’t have a brother called Kane 2.’
This was also never claimed. Kane Two was actually Agramon – who debuted in the WWF in 1998 while Kane was under contract with the USWA – hiding his identity after disappearing in 1998. Agramon is, in fact, the youngest Callaway of the 4 brothers. This is common knowledge, my man!
‘Scott Nash and Kevin Hall are just not so cleverly reversed names.’
Scott is a bastard and I will not defend him here. He is only Kevin Nash’s half brother and should actually share the maiden name of Kevin Nash’s mom. I refuse to call him Scott Mouse. Kevin Hall suggested his own stage name because he saw that Scott Nash seemed like a clever twist of Scott Hall and Kevin Nash’s names from elsewhere at the time. I am not responsible for that one!
‘The CEO is a man dressed in a mouse costume. It is insane!’
This is a flat-out lie! I have to wear this fur 24/7! Want to check me in my birthday suit? I bet you would, you weirdo!
‘They have been degrading women since the 90’s.’
Um, no. The USWA – the promotion with which my company had its greatest commercial success – boasted the first ever major Women’s Division in the industry. It took almost a year for any other promotion to follow suit after our Women’s Division was launched. In fact, Amazon, the second ever Women’s Champion, went on to make history as the first woman to ever win a world heavyweight title in the UWA!
‘Bitches Ball…what is that?’
A great semi-regular broadcast featuring the baddest bitches in the industry. You should check it out!! See our events page for details!!
‘They claim to be reliable but what were they doing from 2014 to 2019?’
Um, I guess you were asleep. Mmouse Enterprises ended the Fifth Era as the only active wrestling promotion in late 2014 via PWI, under the leadership of my daughter, Catherine. From 2014 to 2019, Catherine led Mmouse Enterprises into a campaign of digitizing our library and helping to promote charities around the world whilst always pursuing various innovative projects in entertainment. 2014 was meant to be the end of my company’s involvement in the industry, until popular demand brought us back.
‘Don’t tell me to write storylines! They haven’t done that since they started as an organization.’
Another flat out lie mixed with a bit of confusion. We weren’t writing wrestling storylines in that period, because we were out of the industry. As for when we are involved, well, we are always developing top quality content for our loyal viewers.
‘I don’t say these things out of spite.’
Well, no, just out of ignorance, apparently. I would expect nothing more from a two-bit podcasting mark.
‘I just want to remind the wrestling community that the alternatives have always cared for the content and fans just a little bit more.’
I care about money. That’s it. There, you caught me.
‘Over saturation belongs in an asylum. Wait…isn’t that the name of one of their events?’
Yes, another semi-regular broadcast the details for which you can find on our events page! Over Saturation is in the eye of the beholder, and the only eyes I care about here are my own as I flip through my wads of cash.
‘They are keeping people imprisoned.’
Not since that lying son of a bitch Crock escaped…
‘Every main event is two out of three falls? Yeah, who would ever get tired of that?’
I get the feeling that Camden just skimmed through a bunch of stuff on the Mmouse Enterprises website and cherry-picked things to bitch about. Have you ever actually watched our product? The only matches that are guaranteed to be best of three falls are the World Title matches at PPVs that don’t have some special stipulation attached to it. We only have 6 PPVs a year and two of those are Ascendants PPVs. The other 4 have this stipulation unless multiple people are in contention or unless another stipulation has been proven. I really don’t think 4 times a year for this stipulation is all that bad. The ratings for these matches hasn’t actually reflected what Camden is claiming here.
‘I implore all of you this year to please change the channel.’
Yes, the moment you see “HLW” change that channel IMMEDIATELY!
‘Watch something that doesn’t have twenty seven tiers.’
What the? I know he isn’t talking about PWI. We only had 3 tiers, and now we only have two classes. Which, by the way, there’s nothing wrong with being in any of the two classes. We simply chose to be transparent about what every promotion has: a lower card, a midcard, and a main event scene. Our model actually ensures that no one will be stuck in the undercard or midcard in perpetuity, as it is designed for constant mobility. The superstars who don’t work out get demoted and eventually cycled out altogether. I am confident that this model works better than what you will find anywhere else.
‘Watch a product that has fresh names that don’t pretend to be related to established stars.’
Nonsense supported by baseless nonsense.
‘Mmouse Enterprises should start using the K.I.S.S. rule (not the rule Mickey uses when hiring talent) but the other one. Keep It Simple Stupid!’
Kiss my ass, bro. I will see you in the ratings war to come.
‘Lots of love,
‘LOL’ would have been appropriate here, because this was one big joke.
I will see you all on July 29th!
Owner and Chairman of Mmouse Enterprises,
Mickey Marcus Mouse Junior”
Respectfully submitted by:
Mmouse Enterprises Spokesman, Lawrence Mason