Mmouse Enterprises Chairman’s Centre
July 9, 2021
(MM = Mickey Mouse J.R.)
*Chairman Mouse approaches the podium with a look of conviction as the press murmurs amongst themselves*
MM: Ladies and gentleman of the press, I welcome you here tonight – at this late hour – for some great announcements and for the opportunity to answer some of your questions; including those that we weren’t able to address last time around.
Firstly, I want to congratulate all of our new signees! MJF, Santana & Ortiz, The Usos, Toni Storm, Pete Dunne, Karrion Kross & Lady Scarlett, Dominik Dijakovic, and Mia Yim! These amazing additions to the PWI roster will carry us into our renewed prominence and I am absolutely confident in that fact. MJF, the Usos, and Ortiz have finalized their contracts with the PWI while the paperwork for the others is still in processing.
I am also announcing today that there have a few updates to the PWI Rules. Number one, disclosing the preseason schedule will be entirely up to my discretion, and I will disclose the cards for each episode of PWI Live for this year’s preseason. Moreover, I have added a set of rules to the Immunity Championship. One change comes out of my concern about the lack of foresight of the former and disgraced loser who preceded me in this position, Mr. Murrey. He established the so-called “cash-in rule” for the Immunity Title, and while that may seem fine on the surface you suddenly realize after thorough inspection that it made the Immunity Title – which was previously THE most unique title in the world – resemble the EWA’s “Money in the Bank” briefcase.
I changed this “cash-in rule” by adding a “three strikes rule” which permits the Immunity Champion to make three attempts to “cash-in” their title, but forcing them to abdicate the title if they fail on the third and final attempt. I feel that this will make the Immunity Champion more of a threat and the title itself even more prestigious.
Additionally, I added a “Immune World Champion Rule” which requires that if the Immunity Champion also holds the World or Women’s Titles they must defend both titles at every pay per view and special event. This prevents the Immunity Champion from just holding on to the Immunity Title and not defending it whilst exploiting its privileges unabated in perpetuity.
That brings me to the cards for our first two installments of PWI Live! in the preseason, which starts on Sunday, July 11th and will run every two weeks until Monday, September 6th. Each episode will transpire from the PWI Dome in Memphis, and the first four cards will feature superstars only from one division. The final episode for this year’s preseason will deviate from the mandated slate only for one year and will feature superstars from across the roster.
On July 11th, this Sunday, the women of PWI will kick things off with the following card:
- Tegan Nox versus Trish Stratus: we saw these women meet for the first time at Starrcade and they seemed to dare each other to go through the other on the way to the gold. I want to see who comes out on top in their first meeting ever!
- In a six woman tag, Dollhouse Members the Allure and Harley Quinn will take on PWI newcomers and EWA veterans, Natalya Neidhart, Beth Phoenix, and Mickie James!
- Brie Bella v. Gail Kim: Gail is technically under a limited contract to Alexa Bliss, but she has to answer to me as well. Gail took her frustrations out on Brie at Starrcade, insulting Brie for supposedly being a “disgrace” to women’s wrestling. Can Brie prove that she was worth the draft pick or will Gail stomp her out?
- The Main Event for the Women’s Championship: Alexa Bliss defends her title against the Number One Contender, Angelina Love! A bonafide pay per view-caliber showdown between the woman who established the PWI Women’s Divisions prestige in the Fifth Era, Miss Love, and the self-proclaimed Goddess, Alexa Bliss! Miss Love earned this shot at Starrcade and Miss Bliss effectively stole the title from one Io Shirai back at Motivation. This is going to be good!
Then, two weeks later, on July 25th, the men of PWI have their turn to shine with this card:
- The Newcomer Maxwell Jacob Friedman takes on the legend who just saved his career a month ago, Randy Savage!
- The Men’s Tag Team Championships will be on the line as American Alpha – almost a year into their reign – defend against the first EWA Tag Champions of this era, Yokozuna and Umaga, the Samoan Connection!!
- Next, we will see a rematch from Starrcade when Daniel Bryan tries to rectify the sting from his debut when he goes again against Jeff Hardy!
- Finally, in the Main Event, the PWI World Heavyweight Championship will be on the line as Kurt Angle defends against whoever is first to answer the open challenge!
With that, I will now submit the floor to be opened for questions! *Nods to a reporter*
CNN: Reports from Mmouse Enterprises News earlier this week came out about two major items…
MM: One question…that’s all. Thank you.
CNN: …Yes, sorry, one of those items was that you apparently sent a warning to the talent to be on edge about something coming down the line maybe to offset the increase in the roster in the past few weeks. Can you comment or elaborate on this?
MM: Sure. I told the PWI talent to be prepared, because we will be putting a cap on the size of our roster. Furthermore, I am not going to let this cap inhibit my power to bring in new talent. Rather, others who prove less useful will have to do more to prove their worth as I prepare to cycle them out. That’s just how things work. There were over a dozen other superstars considered for signing, but we had to be more selective in this round, considering that this round topped about half a billion dollars in expenditures. The good news for remaining talent with whom we’ve been negotiating is that the hiring period doesn’t end until mid-to-late August, so they will still have a chance to get signed!
MSNBC: Isn’t that approach a tad cruel?
MM: Maybe, but I didn’t become the wealthiest promoter in any combat sport by being all nice and cuddly. I got here by doing whatever I had to do when I had to do it. Mmouse Enterprises is entering its next phase in this era for ensuring our dominance. Luckily for the EWA, they haven’t competed with us since Motivation 7, Night Two, and that was the closest we’ve had the ratings gap since this era kicked off on November 30th, 2019. One more point on this, and its to remind you fine reporters that the PWI was steadily closing that gap with each head to head match up from their so-called “Retro Revolution” through to when they narrowly eeked out a victory over Motivation last year. I welcome the direct competition, if they’ve got the stomach for it!
Daniel Crawford, WOW Site Editor: Mr. Mouse…
MM: Mr. Crawford, I don’t see your credentials, but I know who you are. What gives you the right to pose a question?
Crawford: Respectfully, I am the editor of the WOW Website which now hosts the EWA and the PWI websites. I am also the official reporter for the WOW…
MM: Nobody gives a shit…next questioner.
Sports Illustrated: I believe the other issue that CNN was alluding to was on your rumored reaction to the EWA early special Independence Day premiere. Any comments?
MM: Ok, ok. Did you guys all get together and plan this shit? Look, buster, I don’t know who came up with that ridiculous lie, but I couldn’t have cared less about what the Eternally Whimsical Absentees are doing. They hosted a three match show that Ascendants probably could have crushed. From what I know, BWM Inc. failed to get their checks cleared in time for the promised Wednesday publishing of the streaming replay of this broadcast. They postponed such until sometime today and I nearly pissed myself laughing so hard about this turn of events. Between the bounced checks and the releases, I can honestly assess that things are looking pretty rough over in the EWA as Benny’s health is on the rocks, Megan takes the wheel, and my bank account fattens. Hey, Megan, feel free to call me anytime. I am willing to buy your “Dad’s” company for a dollar.
ESPN: The last time you were here with us you asserted that there was an attempted coup against you and you promised to elaborate but never did. Care to do so now?
MM: Ahh, yes. I do apologize for the slip of the mind a few weeks ago. I was obviously alluding to the fact that my now-reorganized Board of Directors had conspired with my insolent daughter and my former bitch, Jeff Murrey, to depose me and reduce me to little more than a figurehead. They failed and I prevailed, because I ALWAYS PREVAIL!
HBO Sports: Are you not the least bit concerned about the possibility of EWA’s continued dominance in the ratings?
MM: Look, the EWA and the PWI have had LESS THAN 10 ratings battles. Less than ten. They have a winning streak that exists for a handful of reasons, and one of those reasons is that they have been largely absent throughout this era. I guarantee you that this playing field will be leveled the moment that the EWA stops jerking each other off and actually consistently produces some content for us to decimate in the competition! Enough about the EWA, do we have any other questions?
Hustler Magazine: Yes, Mr. Mouse…
MM: Eh…er…for the last time, I have never subscribed to you and never will. I don’t owe you any money, so stop badgering me!!
Hustler: …but…that’s not why…
MM: No, no more butt pics! I mean, SCRATCH THAT! I HAVE NEVER SOUGHT ASS PICS AND I DON’T WANT YOUR ASS PICS!! I’M OUT OF HERE!!
*Angrily leaves as the press shouts for more answers*